1. “I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.”

2. “I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

3. “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

4. “I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.”

5. “I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.”

6. “Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.”

7. “I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.”

8. “Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”

9. “Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.”

10. “If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn’t know who I was, she would run away.”

11. “I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.”

12. “Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.”

13. “My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.”

14. “I’m still driving a Prius, yeah.”

15. “I can’t stand reading anything that I’ve said.”

16. “I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.”

17. “The only change I can really see is that I don’t have to shop for pants in stores anymore.”