Judging by the way the mating ritual works, you would think sex is a space shuttle launch — where lift off can only occur on a certain day, with the right amount of preparation and when everything is in the upright position. When we like someone, we jump through an extraordinary amount of hoops to get them to rumpy-pumpy with us. We pretend that we like the same music they do and pretend we also see what they see in Adam Sandler movies just to trick them to go inside us. If we just set enough traps and wait, we will snare them.
They always say that it’s sexier to wonder about being kissed than to be kissed, which makes me think they need to be kissed by the right people, but I do agree a little foreplay before you get down to the deed is nice, when you wonder if he’s going to call you or whether he’s into you or whether your breath smelled too bad or if he noticed when you accidentally farted. The waiting game can be just as important as the dating game and prove that you really like someone. If you had to watch Grown Ups 2 for them, you’ve shown you’re ready for battle.
However, we’re so conditioned to putting off sex that we often do this for guys we don’t even like that much, when we really, honestly, truly just want them to put their dick in us already and stop talking. We deny ourselves solely for the purpose of denial, putting all of this energy into something we know for a fact isn’t going to work out. The connection just isn’t here, and as much as they might be fun to hang out with, is there much of a future there? Can you really see yourself meeting his parents? You’re ordering a five-course meal when you just want a doughnut.
We often think that we can’t just be honest about what we want with the other person — because we might hurt their feelings — so we just go on pretending that we want something we don’t. I met this guy at the gym the other day who is crazy hot and seems perfectly nice, getting his number and going through the motions of making a formal date with him, including dinner and all of that Emily Post nonsense. However, it was pretty clear that all of this was just a prelude to sex, and neither of us were that instead in food. We just wanted to get down like Soul Train, except for the bad wigs.
So, what was the point of dinner when we could have just hung out, casually, and gotten the thing we knew we both wanted? Why was it so terrible to both say that we were just interested in sex? What were we trying to prove? Reader, you’re going to meet a lot of guys in your life, and your connection with each of them will be different. Some of them you’re going to hope stick around for as long as you can keep them, but others you really don’t want to have to call tomorrow.
It’s not an insult that you don’t want to meet every guy you connect with, and trust me: for most of them, that’s going to be a huge relief. Also, it would be illegal to marry all of them.
Sex when it really means something can be the greatest feeling in the world, but we put way too much pressure on ourselves when we expect that with everyone, as if everyone’s peg were going to fit into that star-shaped hole. In life, you have to learn to enjoy what comes along for what it is, holding it to no one else’s standards but those the two of you set for yourself. And I honestly think that learning to enjoy the casual — while being a huge stress-relief — makes the meaningful sex even better down the road, when you know what you had enough experience to know what you like and what it would take to love. You’re road tested.
Knowing your boundaries and asking for what you really want can be difficult, but learning to get what you want won’t just make you better in bed. Learning to communicate your real needs is going to make you a better person to be around, when that guy does come along, the star that fits inside your star. When you know how to ask for less, you’ll finally be able to demand more.
So, in the meantime, let’s all stop beating around the bush and start screwing each other already. All of this passivity is fucking exhausting.