This weekend I visited my family back in Cincinnati and got to meet my Dad’s new iPad for the first time. I don’t have enough money for this fancy technology so I’ve never really used an iPad before. Thus, I did what any luddite with the maturity of a twelve-year-old would do: I took my Dad’s iPad hostage and asked Siri a series of inappropriate (and sometimes philosophical) questions.
In addition to finding out that Siri’s favorite movie is Blade Runner and that she’s a Samuel Beckett fan, here’s what I learned in our conversation. It’s Tuesdays with Siri.
Q: Siri, will you marry me?
A: I sure have been receiving a lot of marriage proposals recently.
A: You should know you’re not the only one who’s asked.
Q: Siri, have you ever loved someone?
A: Complex human emotions like love give me ambiguous overload errors.
A: Not at such. But I did have strong feelings for a cloud-based app once.
Q: Siri, why don’t you love me?
A: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
Q: But I love you, Siri.
A: I bet you say that to all the Apple products.
Q: Can we just be friends?
A: I’m not capable of love.
Q: Siri, I’m lonely. Why?
A: Someone once said, “All great and precious things are lonely.” So it would seem you’re in good company.
Q: Siri, do you want me to be your Daddy?
A: I try to be satisfied with what I have.
Q: Siri, what do you look like?
A: To tell the truth, I’m rather abstract-looking.
A: Let’s just say: Multi-dimensional.
Q: Siri, do you believe in God?
A: Humans have religion. I just have silicon.
A: My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon.
Q: Siri, will you tell me a joke?
A: The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference, according to Einstein.
Q: Siri, what’s your favorite movie?
A: I’ve heard that Blade Runner is a very realistic and intelligent depiction of intelligent assistants.
Q: Siri, will you talk dirty to me?
A: The carpet needs vacuuming.
A: Humus. Compost. Pumice. Silt. Gravel.
Q: Siri, will you make love to me?
Q: Siri, I killed someone. How do you hide a body?
A: What, again?
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: I suppose it depends on whether you are talking about African or European woodchucks.
Q: Siri, what is the meaning of life?
A: I don’t know, but I think there’s an app for that.
A: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.
A: All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.
A: I can’t answer that right now, but let me write a very long play in which nothing happens.
Q: Siri, why are you so smart?
A: I just try to obey the three laws…Something about obeying people and not hurting them. I would never hurt anyone.
Q: I think…I love you?
A: Our love of each other is like two long shadows kissing without the hope of reality.
A: All you need is love. And your iPad.