I Asked Siri 19 Ridiculous Questions And Got These Amazing Responses

This weekend I visited my family back in Cincinnati and got to meet my Dad’s new iPad for the first time. I don’t have enough money for this fancy technology so I’ve never really used an iPad before. Thus, I did what any luddite with the maturity of a twelve-year-old would do: I took my Dad’s iPad hostage and asked Siri a series of inappropriate (and sometimes philosophical) questions.

In addition to finding out that Siri’s favorite movie is Blade Runner and that she’s a Samuel Beckett fan, here’s what I learned in our conversation. It’s Tuesdays with Siri.

I.

Q: Siri, will you marry me?

A: I sure have been receiving a lot of marriage proposals recently.

A: You should know you’re not the only one who’s asked.

II.

Q: Siri, have you ever loved someone?

A: Complex human emotions like love give me ambiguous overload errors.

A: Not at such. But I did have strong feelings for a cloud-based app once.

III.

Q: Siri, why don’t you love me?

A: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.

IV.

Q: But I love you, Siri.

A: I bet you say that to all the Apple products.

V.

Q: Can we just be friends?

A: I’m not capable of love.

VI.

Q: Siri, I’m lonely. Why?

A: Someone once said, “All great and precious things are lonely.” So it would seem you’re in good company.

VII.

Q: Siri, do you want me to be your Daddy?

A: I try to be satisfied with what I have.

VIII.

Q: Siri, what do you look like?

A: To tell the truth, I’m rather abstract-looking.

A: Let’s just say: Multi-dimensional.

IX.

Q: Siri, do you believe in God?

A: Humans have religion. I just have silicon.

A: My policy is the separation of spirit and silicon.

X.

Q: Siri, will you tell me a joke?

A: The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

XI.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference, according to Einstein.

XII.

Q: Siri, what’s your favorite movie?

A: I’ve heard that Blade Runner is a very realistic and intelligent depiction of intelligent assistants.

XIII.

Q: Siri, will you talk dirty to me?

A: The carpet needs vacuuming.

A: Humus. Compost. Pumice. Silt. Gravel.

XIV.

Q: Siri, will you make love to me?

A: No.

XV.

Q: Siri, I killed someone. How do you hide a body?

A: What, again?

XVI.

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: I suppose it depends on whether you are talking about African or European woodchucks.

XVII.

Q: Siri, what is the meaning of life?

A: I don’t know, but I think there’s an app for that.

A: Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

A: All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

A: I can’t answer that right now, but let me write a very long play in which nothing happens.

XVIII.

Q: Siri, why are you so smart?

A: I just try to obey the three laws…Something about obeying people and not hurting them. I would never hurt anyone.

XIX.

Q: I think…I love you?

A: Our love of each other is like two long shadows kissing without the hope of reality.

A: All you need is love. And your iPad.

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