1. You haven’t just eaten there more than once a week. You’ve eaten there more than once a day.
2. You’re the type of person to order extra rice and beans (and double wrap the tortilla) just to have some for breakfast tomorrow.
3. You know that leftover Chipotle is the world’s best chip dip.
4. You constantly obsess over how to get the best bang for your buck at Chipotle — the magic combination of meats and sauces that will crack the code. When you find your “hacks,” you dare not share them.
5. You believe the world could be divided into “Carnitas” people and “Barbacoa” people.
6. You know the correct pronunciation of both “Barbacoa” and “Chipotle” (which is “shee-poht-lay,” for the record).
7. You flirt with ordering something new, but you always know what you’re going to get. You know what you like and you don’t apologize.
8. When you’re feeling like doing something “wild and crazy” today, you get Pinto beans instead of Black beans. You animal you!
9. You look down on people who fill their cup of water with soda — because the workers know what you’re doing. You’re not fooling anyone or sticking to the man. You’re being a cheapskate.
10. You have a favorite worker at your local Chipotle (usually whichever server is the hottest) and always secretly hope you’ll get them helping you. Also, you would totally date someone for their Chipotle discount.
11. You are on a first-name basis with most of the employees.
12. You know where the closest Chipotle is at all times and can magically tell when there is a Chipotle near. You have burrito sense.
13. When a new Chipotle opens in your neighborhood, it’s a big fucking deal.
14. You spend so much money on Chipotle that you have to have a monthly burrito budget.
15. You have dreamt about Chipotle and just the thought of a delicious burrito bowl makes your mouth water.
16. You do not accept the existence of other fast food Mexican restaurants.
17. You will wait in line for that magic tinfoil hunk of wonderment — no matter how ridiculously long the line may be. Halfway down the block? Estimated half hour wait? You’ve got the time. You always have the time for Chipotle.
18. When a Chipotle worker gets Scroogey with the portions, it ruins your whole day.
19. There’s nothing more beautiful in the world to you than a perfectly wrapped burrito, and you know that anyone able to master the craft is a true artist, a legend in our time. You must abide.
20. You will not accept a burrito that isn’t fully closed or one that — gasp! — splits open. Go back and double wrap that shit. This isn’t amateur hour. This is The Hunger Games.
21. Treating yourself means getting that extra side of guacamole. And when they forget to charge you for it, it’s like a gift from heaven.
22. You don’t think that size matters in the bedroom — because it really all depends on how you use it. But at Chipotle, you are a proud size queen. The bigger, the better.
23. Some people obsess over getting the burnt french fry at the bottom of the McDonalds container. You know that the Magna Carta and the Holy Grail is that one tortilla chip just that’s covered in lime, all nice and smothered with salty deliciousness. That’s what Jay-Z is signing about, right?
24. You cannot stand it when the person in front of you can’t decide what they want — because they are keeping you away from your burrito. Inside you feel like Chandler Bing, “Could you be going any slower?”
25. While others savor their burrito in silence, you attack it with your face. That burrito never stood a chance.
26. You are proud of the food belly you leave with and as you walk bow-legged down the street, you can’t help but strut a little bit. #swag
27. No matter how much you complain about eating too much, you always want to go back for more. This is what love is.