1. You save money on haircuts and shampoo.
When your hairline is receding, you’ll visit the barber more frequently than you would like to keep that “swiss cheese-like” hairline in check, which is unsurprisingly expensive. In addition to helping out your wallet, you also get the benefit of a) not having to discern that the difference is between 100 nearly identical bottles of shampoo and b) cutting your own hair at home. That electric razor will become the best friend you’ve ever had.
2. You don’t have to do your hair when you wake up in the morning.
Girls aren’t the only ones who obsess about getting their hair perfect. Guys primp, too, because it takes a lot of work to look like you’re not trying. When you’re bald, you get to look like you’re not trying naturally.
3. You look older.
I can’t remember the last time I was carded for alcohol. Even if you have a face like Michael Cera, being bald gives you a distinguished look, as if you lost all that hair from thinking or watching reruns of Golden Girls.
4. No weird hairline tanlines in the summer.
Surely you remember those long, lazy days of going to the beach, relaxing in the sun with a book and a beach chair or partying it up with friends, only to find yourself with a creepy pink mask on your face. When you’re bald, your whole head gets to join the tan party.
5. You don’t have to go grey.
Although that’s not really so bad. Who doesn’t love a little silver daddy action? Anderson Silver has been a silver fox since the dawn of time, and he appears to be doing just fine.
6. You never have to worry about having a bad hair day.
Remember those days of checking yourself in the mirror or looking like crap after a rainstorm? Those dog days are over. Now you get to walk through the rain in style, except that you still have to be wet. There’s that. You can solve receding hairlines, but you can’t solve mother nature.
7. You get to put that effort into facial hair.
Have you ever noticed that bald dudes have the best beards and mustaches? That’s because bald people get to put their extra time into something else (and not having a beard isn’t an option if you, like me, have no chin). You get to grow out a Hercule Poirot handlebar or go full Fu Manchu. When you’re bald, no one will question. You’re just a badass.
8. You have hat sense.
Men with hair do not know how to wear hats, but the balding among us have learned the style — mostly out of necessity. Without a wide selection of hats, winters suck when you’re bald. Because of this, bald people know the importance of a full head-to-toe look, paying attention to the little details and accessories. Besides, everyone looks better in a newsboys cap. It’s just science.
9. Your eyes look amazing.
One of the best things about being bald is that your eyes always instantly stand out. They don’t have competition anymore and there’s nothing to distract from your darling baby blues. However, it does enhance the importance of finding a great pair of glasses. So choose wisely and stay away from the circular styles. They give you egghead.
10. You’re the first to know when it’s raining or snowing.
That head of yours is an instant crier of precipitation. Whereas most people have hair to protect them from the first drop, you know right away what’s about to happen and can hide accordingly. It’s not quite a superpower, but it’s pretty goddamn close. Thus, bald people are basically superheroes.
11. You’ll never have a ridiculous haircut in old photos.
Most people have to look back on themselves twenty or thirty years from now — at whatever versions of photos we will be using in the mid-century — and be vaguely embarrassed about what’s on the top of their head. You’ll never have to apologize for a Skrillex cut or a mullet. You can just think back on all the other bad life decisions you were making instead.
12. You now take the quickest showers ever.
You used to have to spend your precious bathroom time washing your hair and then drying it — which if you’re female, takes fucking forever. But now, you can spend it doing other things, like masturbating. Trust me: Anything that adds more masturbation time to your schedule is a very special thing indeed.
13. You have awesome bald heroes.
Although Natalie Portman briefly flirted with being bald before defecting back to the world of hair people, you have other awesome bald people to admire — from Patrick Stewart to Michael Jordan. You also have Larry David, but I don’t know if I’d necessarily emulate that. If you’ve seen Curb, you know why that’s a bad idea.
14. You are the benefactor of “bald code.”
It’s a rule of balddom that bald people have to stick together, or the Bald Crusaders will take them out. When you see that other bald guy in line at the grocery, you instantly have solidarity, and you can share the “We Are Family” head nod. Welcome to bald code. You must respect it — or else. We’re watching you.
15. You always stand out.
This is especially true for bald women. I know a lot of girls who have always wanted to shave their head, but simply don’t have the ovaries — because partiarchy and gender programming. But when you’re a bald woman, you’ve broken the code. You’re different. You’re a rebel, and you always command the attention of the room. Some of them might be staring for the wrong reasons — because they are douches — but hey, at least they’re looking.
And let’s be honest: They wish they were as cool as you. It’s fine. Not all of us can be superheroes.