I don’t have a lot of dating dealbreakers, except that I think we should both agree that I’m awesome and that we should have sex. Without that base to go from, everything else seems a bit pointless. However, I don’t know if I could date someone who doesn’t like Gilmore Girls, because I feel like they wouldn’t like me very much. I live, breathe and speak Gilmore — and frankly, they came first. We’ve got history, baby.
In particular, Lorelai Gilmore deserves special recognition, for being the woman who made me who I am. Most people have parents or relatives to thank. I was raised by a fictional TV character. However, the consolation is that she’s one of the greatest TV characters of all-time — wise and loving with the fastest wit this side of the Algonquin.
In paying tribute to Ms. Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, it’s difficult not to just quote everything she’s ever said, because it’s all pretty perfect, but 69 seemed a good place to start. It’s dirty. She would like that. Here’s just a small smattering of Lorelai’s best quips, comebacks, one-liners and exchanges.
1. Rory: He’s going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo.
Lorelai: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.
2. Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy?
Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.
3. Lorelai: I managed to find Uno and Checkers, and Battleship and most of the pieces of Candyland. Which I figure, we can mix together to create a fabulous new game, Candyship Battleland. War never tasted so good!
4. Lorelai: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that.
Sherry: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.
Lorelai: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
5. Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which by the way was the first draft of “you had me at hello”.
Lorelai: I see we’ve entered the no humor zone.
6. Lorelai: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she’s always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.
7. Emily: What are you doing?
Lorelai: I’m taking out the avocado.
Emily: Since when don’t you like avocado?
Lorelai: Since I said “Gross, what’s that?” and you said “Avocado.”
8. Rory: You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: Pot roast!
9. Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let’s look into each other’s eyes and say “I wish I were you” at exactly the same time — maybe we’ll pull a “Freaky Friday.”
10. Rory: Grandma’s still hitting you with the postcards, huh?
Lorelai: As if nothing even remotely unpleasant happened between us. How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that. It’s weird. She’s the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny “Seinfeld” he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man-flesh sandwich.
Lorelai: [Reading postcard from Temple of Apollo] Let’s see how her trip has been since her last card. “Dear Lorelai, kicked a dog, then punched a gypsy in the groin.” Oh, that’s nice.
11. Luke: Okay, I’m going to take these [spiders] outside. Any particular place you want them?
Lorelai: Someplace shady. Sheltered from the elements. And close to a talking pig.
12. Lorelai: If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.
13. Lorelai: In the movie, only boy hobbits travel to Mount Doom, but that’s only because the girls went to do something even more dangerous.
Lorelai: Have you ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?
14. Lorelai: Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I’m looking for heroes.
15. Lorelai: Why are you nervous?
Emily: I’m getting married!
Lorelai: For the second time. Mom, it’s a pretend wedding. J.Lo has them all the time!
16. Emily: As a child, your mother had an unusually large head.
Lorelai: The best thing about it was that she would tell me — constantly. My first complete sentence was, “Big Head want dolly.”
17. Lorelai: My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.
18. Rory: You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
Lorelai: I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
Rory: Which are?
Lorelai: My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.
19. Lorelai: My mother is fast asleep in my bed, clutching my Hello Kitty pillow, and yes, I have pictures.
20. Lorelai: Rory is here!
Luke: She is?
Lorelai: Yeah, she’s outside bouncing around with Lane.
Luke: How come she came home?
Lorelai: I don’t know. Bouncing lessons?
21. Lorelai: This is a misogynistic truck.
Lorelai: It’s anti-woman, it’s gender-selective, it’s “Oh, let’s drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up.”
22. Richard: I like that boy.
Lorelai: Prove it. Drop your pants!
23. Lorelai: When I have made one zillion dollars from my rocket gum invention you will eat those words! Or rather you will chew those words and blow a bubble with them.
24. Lorelai: But, hey, don’t worry about me. Things are starting to look up. (shows Rory a flier) They think I’m a student!
Rory: And they also think you’re Polynesian and potentially sexually undecided.
Lorelai: Yeah. Well, still an improvement.
25. Lorelai: So, Davey, beautiful day, huh? What would you like to discuss? Middle East peace, the space program? I’m sorry, what’s that? Oh, my God. He said, “the answer to the problems in the mideast is, ‘I have to poop.'”
Sookie: He got distracted.
26. Lorelai: Why bother even calling it “Final Destination 3.” At that point just call it now you’re really really really dead!
27. Lorelai: I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it.
28. Luke: I’ll let you get back to taking five years off your life.
Lorelai: Meh. They were the five where I would’ve been wearing fuchsia lipstick way beyond my lip line, so I wouldn’t want ’em anyhow.
29. Lorelai: Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere’s penis. Enjoy your celery.
30. Emily: Do you know that every night at dinner the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun. They would quiz each other about current events, historical events and intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and wordly as the Kennedy’s so come on someone say something.
Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes $10,000 a day?
31. Lorelai: Marzipan’s not candy! It’s a unique substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium.
32. Emily: Plus I think he had a gun in his pocket.
Lorelai: Maybe he was just happy to see you.
33. Lorelai: Well, I know how mad you get when I bring the Insane Clown Posse with me.
34. Lorelai: What’s that?
Sookie: That is a vat of boiling oil.
Lorelai: Really? Where’s Quasimodo?
Sookie: This is not a joking matter.
Rory: What is the oil for?
Lorelai: For pouring on Visigoths.
Lorelai: When else am I gonna get to use my Visigoth material?
35. Lorelai: Well, we like our Internet slow, okay? We can turn it on, walk around, dance, make a sandwich. With DSL, there’s no dancing, no walking, and we’d starve. It’d be all work and no play. Have you not seen “The Shining,” Mom?
36. Taylor: Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!
37. Christopher: That was a memorable evening.
Lorelai: Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.
38. Rory: You wanna run cross country?
Lorelai: Not across the whole country. Maybe just Michigan.
39. Lorelai: Oh, it’s heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You’re like Willy Wonka, but hotter.
Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you’re close.
40. Lorelai: Voices in my head…totally normal, right?
Lorelai: There’s only two. That speak English.
41. Lorelai: (to the woman working coat check) Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.
Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Lorelai: Thank you. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
42. Lorelai: I’m going to go make out in the coat room. Don’t eat my chicken.
43. Emily: Oh, don’t act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
Lorelai: Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we’re calling it?
Emily: Well, what would you call it?
Lorelai: Oh, I don’t know. How about “Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes.”
44. Lorelai: Hey, guys, go on over to the diner and have breakfast with your families, and then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you. And if he says no, just ask him louder. It’s part of the game!
45. Kirk: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.
Lorelai: I’ll give you two because you scare me.
46. Lorelai: Why is she taking our coats and pouring us drinks? Did you win her in a poker game?
47. Rory: How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?
Lorelai: I don’t know honey. Maybe you’ll have to give up your dream of majoring in Logging.
48. Lorelai: You do know, honey, that garbage doesn’t actually talk at all unless it’s on Sesame Street.
49. Lorelai: Independence Inn!
Emily: I need the hat rack.
Lorelai: (whispers) The fish flies at night!
Lorelai: I don’t know. Who is this?
50. Lorelai: I would like a cheeseburger, with a side of cheeseburger, and see if they can make me a cheeseburger smoothie.
51. Emily: You’re crude and unprofessional.
Lorelai: I’d like that on my tombstone please.
52. Lorelai: A movie should not just be its title. Driving Miss Daisy didn’t all take place in the car! Dances with Wolves wasn’t one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes! Snakes! Snakes! Snakes on a plane! Relentless snakes on a plane!
53. Lorelai: I’ll be in in a minute.
Luke: Who are you talking to?
Lorelai: My other two personalities.
54. Lorelai: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don’t make any sudden movements, he’s a fear biter.
55. Sookie: I will give it a 9.
Sookie: What will make it a 10?
Lorelai: Another half point.
56. Emily: You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you’re available?
Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It’s been years since I did this and I don’t remember the proper procedure. Now take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say?
Emily: Is that too forward?
Lorelai: No, it’s the appropriate way to indicate you’re open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
57. Richard: This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.
Lorelai: Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.
Emily: Richard, at least let Pena serve it.
Lorelai: No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we’ve come.
58. Lorelai: Now what’s on the agenda for today? I hear there’s a shipment of plutonium coming in on the docks. And I thought we could dress up as nuns and you could fake a stigmata and you could put the plutonium under your habit.
59. Lorelai: Hey, so where are you right now?
Luke: Uh, about 10 minutes out of “If I lived here I would shoot my brains out.”
Lorelai: Oh, well I hear its nice this time of year.
60. Luke: Early morning chores?
Lorelai: You know. Milking Cows. Feeding Chickens. Slopping Pigs.
Luke: Slopping pigs?
Lorelai: Well, they’re certainly not going to slop themselves.
61. Lorelai: Hey, how important do you think it is to be able to say, “Help, I’m bleeding from the head?”
62. Lorelai: “Why should we date?”
Max: “Because we’re attracted to each other.”
Lorelai: “I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.”
63. Lorelai: You’re watching a Wednesday matinee of “Deuce Bigalow” you can yell fire all you want. Hell you can set fire to the movie theatre. No one will complain.
64. Lorelai: The only draw back is the name. Coco. Too cutesy. But he’s a rescue so I don’t wanna freak him out by giving him a new name right away, so I’m going to get to the name I want in baby steps. So for the first week I’ll call him Coco to get him acclimated, then Coci, 3rd week Kooky, 4th week Tooky.
Luke: So, you’re going to name him…Tooky?
Lorelai: No, I’m going to name him Paul Anka, but it’s going to take awhile to get to Paul Anka.
65. Emily: What can we do in a bathroom?
Lorelai: Meet George Michael.
66. Lorelai: Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.
67. Emily: I bought a panic room.
Rory: Like Jodie Foster?
Emily: What does Jodie Foster have to do with anything?
68. Lorelai: Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama…or something.
69. Emily: A bad storm is heading your way. It’s already hitting us here.
Lorelai: Well, don’t panic. I’ll get the ark, you get the animals.
Note: I tried to stay away from her exchanges with Rory, because that post was already a thing.