A critical and commercial sleeper hit, Easy A was one of Fall 2010’s most welcome surprises, a teen movie that didn’t talk down to its audience, trusting them to be as smart as it’s motor-mouthed heroine. Talking at an average rate of a million miles a minute, Emma Stone’s Olive isn’t your typical high school student: She’s better. No one talked like this in high school, but we all wish we handled teen drama with such wit and candor.
From the movie’s incredibly sharp script, here are 35 of the best one-liners and exchanges from Easy A. Real talk: If you don’t want to be Emma Stone or be with her, there’s something fucking wrong with you.
Olive (Emma Stone): Ironically, we were studying “The Scarlet Letter,” but isn’t that always the way? The books you read in class always seems to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. Except for “Huckleberry Finn,” because I don’t know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy.
Mr. Griffith (Thomas Haden Church): I don’t know what your generation’s fascination is with documenting your every thought, but I can assure you, they’re not all diamonds. “Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof.” Who gives a rat’s ass?
Olive: He got a Coke Zero a-gain. Ah, that Roman. Incorrigible!
Rosemary (Patricia Clarkson): I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.
Rosemary: Because I slept with a whole bunch of people. Mostly guys.
Olive: (while undressing) Relax. Jesus. What is with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?
Olive: If he’s so smart, why is your boyfriend 22 years old and still in high school?
Marianne (Amanda Bynes): Because, Olive, it’s His choice!
Olive: Oh, really? His choice? He just wants to be repeating his senior year for, like, the fourth time ’cause he can’t pass a single test?
Marianne: No, silly. (points to the sky) His. His, with a capital H. If the Good Lord had wanted Micah to graduate, he would have given him the right answers.
Olive: (erupts with laughter) I’m sorry, but, I mean, really? You gotta be sh*ttin’ me, sister.
Rhiannon (Aly Michalka): You’re being pretty cavalier about this. Aren’t you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit?
Olive: Yes, I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants.
Olive: Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by “magic” I mean “nothing.”
Olive: Due to his “condition,” Micah was sent on an extended visit to his grandparents’ in Palatka, Florida. And if there’s one thing worse than chlamydia, it’s Florida.
Marianne: There’s a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.
Olive: Tom Cruise?
Principal Gibbons (Malcolm McDowell): This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
Rosemary: Olive! There’s a young man here to see you. (now with a Southern accent) He said something about asking for your hand in marriage!
Olive: (Responds in Southern accent) Oh, happy day, Mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller, hooray!
Rosemary: You know, I dated a homosexual once. Actually I dated him for a long time.
Olive: Oh god, please don’t tell me you married and had two kids with him.
Mrs. Griffith (Lisa Kudrow): I’m the guidance counselor; I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.
Marianne: I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection.
Olive: Why? Your parents didn’t.
Woodchuck Todd (Penn Badgley): (with his Woodchuck mascot head off) Hey Olive.
Olive: Oh my God! The illusion is shattered! This is exactly why they put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World.
Woodchuck Todd: Actually I think they just, you know, they fire you. You’re thinking of Disneyland. Disney World is much more liberal.
Olive: Oh yeah! I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election.
Rosemary: Not to mention how have you been dressing this past few day. No judgement, but you kind of look like striper
Dill (Stanley Tucci): (interjects) A high-end stripper! For governors…or athletes.
Rhiannon: George is not a sexy name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax.
Olive: I want a one hundred dollar gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow. Preferably to The Gap, but I’d also take Amazon.com, or OfficeMax. Actually make it OfficeMax; I have my eye on a label maker. We did not have sex. I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you. Unmatched by anything you have heretofore experienced — including cake.
Olive: I told everyone! Well, actually I told one person, but you know how these things work. It’s like wildfire.
Dill: Is everything alright? It sounds like you’re having sex in here; which I know can’t be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
Marianne: I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor.
Olive: Oh, I have sixteen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does.
Rhiannon: I want every detail!
Rhiannon: Now, bitch.
Olive: You know, you call me “bitch” a lot okay. It’s not really a term of endearment.
Rhiannon: I want every detail, now shit face.
Olive: You’re not really heading the right direction.
Mr. Griffith: I’m hearing things.
Olive: The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist.
Marianne: Jesus tells us to love everyone, even the whores and the homosexuals. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard because they keep doing it, over and over again.
Rosemary: Any friend of Olive’s is a friend of my daughter.
Brandon (Dan Byrd): Do you want to go out with me?
Olive: Brandon, just a couple of hours ago you told me you were gay.
Brandon: You said I should pretend to be straight.
Olive: I didn’t mean with me!
Olive: Hi, I’m looking for the Bible.
Bookstore Clerk: Oh, that’s in the best sellers…right next to Twilight.
Olive: We’ve had nine classes together since Kindergarten — ten if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn’t because you called it science fiction and refused to go.
Rhiannon: Now you’re a super slut like me.
Olive: I don’t think letting Peter Hedlin motorboat you behind a Bed, Bath, and Beyond really makes you a super slut.
Rhiannon: There were a lot of people walking past, okay, someone could have easily seen.
Olive: I just have something in my eye. Like a twig, or a branch.
Rosemary: We’re a family of late bloomers. I didn’t until I was 14 and nor did Olive.
Chip (Olive’s Younger Brother): Why does that matter? I’m adopted!
Dill: What! Oh my god! Who told you? Guys we were going to do this at the right time!
Rosemary: What’s going on, honey? Why do you want us to “take a bullet” if anyone asks if you were here all weekend?
Olive: Oh, it’s nothing. Just the rumor mill.
Rosemary: What’s the rumor mill churning out these days? Anything interesting?
Olive: You know, not really. Not really. Its a little low on grist.
Dill: Oh, clever wordplay. I like it very much. You must be related to me.
Olive: Only by marriage.
Olive: That’s the one thing that trumps religion: capitalism.
Olive: Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80’s movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, John Hughes did not direct my life.
Girl: Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon ran away from home? Yeah. Totally. He left his parents a note that said: ‘Eff you, I’m gay.’And then he skipped town with a big, hulking black guy!
Olive: (aside) My apologies to Mark Twain.
Thought Catalog-ers and Easy A lovers, it’s your turn. What are your favorite lines? Any I left out? Drop them in the comments.