Let’s Rank These 10 Fascist Dictators By Hotness

Recently Miley Cyrus ranked #1 on Maxim’s annual Hot 100 list, beating out the likes of Beyonce, Sofia Vergara, Mila Kunis and Hoda Kotb, who placed all the way down at #79. Poor Hoda.

Although many were upset that hot list mainstay and America’s dream girlfriend Mila Kunis wasn’t Number One, I decry the misandry in the list. What about teh menz? Why do women get to have all the fun? This is an issue Men’s Rights activists must take up, pronto.

In the meantime, here are some suggestions for a Maxim List: The 10 Sexiest Dictators. There’s not a phallus in their name because they’re not virile and good to go. Sure, they were responsible for some of the most violent and deadly atrocities and history, but as Maxim shows, it doesn’t matter who you are so long as you’re willing to take your clothes off.

Glass ceiling broken, MRAs. You’ve done it.

1. Josef Stalin

Number one by a landslide, Stalin mixed a take-charge attitude with a beautifully coiffed head of hair, forever in a perfect bedhead. He won Russia’s hearts as their dream hipster boyfriend, sensitive but with a take-charge spirit. There’s a bit of the bad boy in this one.

Flickr/Jayel Aheram
Flickr/Jayel Aheram

2. Muammar Gaddafi

As he got older, he started to look like Carlos Santana mixed with Rosario from Will and Grace, but as a young thing, Gaddafi was a fine piece of fascist ass. His matinee idol cheekbones were the envy of every man in Libya. Women wanted him and men wanted to be him. JFK could never compete with this North African heat. Cause DAT ASS.

Flickr/RubyGoes
Flickr/RubyGoes

3. Mohammad Reza Pahlavi

The former ruler of Iran, Pahlavi fought for control of the country with butterface Mohammed Mosaddegh during the oil nationalization of the 1950s and was later overthrown in the revolution by dumpy hag (and notorious bonerkill) Ayatollah Komenini. However, the extra time allowed Pahlavi to work on his music and his art. A skilled nude painter, ladies out there should know Pahlavi is now single…and dead.

Flickr/Grand Canyon NPS
Flickr/Grand Canyon NPS

4. Fidel Castro

A passionate baseball fanatic, Castro is a man of the people who is also easy on the eyes. With a striking resemblance to Liam Neeson, he combines Neeson’s violent passion (those Latins!) with a South of the Border flavor all his own. If you like Antonio Banderas or Benjamin Bratt, you’ll fall in love with Cuba’s sexiest paranoid psychopath. My theoretical hymen just broke talking about him.

Flickr/JBrazito
Flickr/JBrazito

5. Benito Mussolini

He’s not much in the face, but as we all know, it’s about the bod at the end of the day. You don’t need to look into someone’s eyes to grossly objectify them, and with that shirt always off, Benito is asking for it. Mussolini invited a nation of Italians to the gunshow, and we were happy to attend. If you got it, flaunt it, Benito.

Flickr/weeklydig
Flickr/weeklydig

6. George W. Bush

America’s favorite dictator-lite was easy on the hips, while rampantly violating our civil liberties, ruining our economy into the ground and destroying our international public image. He couldn’t even eat a pretzel correctly, but young George W. Bush could choke on me whenever he wants. There’s a reason Americans voted for him twice: He can’t get the pronunciation of anything right, but he can get it whenever he wants.

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7. Kaiser Wilhelm II

Wilhelm never had the raw sex appeal of a Mussolini or a Gaddafi, but with a stache like the Kaiser’s, who cares? When it comes to 18th century facial accessories, size is everything. The Kaiser was pure swag.

Flickr/lemoutan
Flickr/lemoutan

8. Vladmir Putin

From Russia with love, Putin has the sexiest fish-lips in all of Eurasia, a coy but expressive pout that proclaims he is six feet of pure hunk. A real man’s man, Putin isn’t afraid to ride bears or take candidly shirtless photo ops in the wilderness, a real Burt Reynolds type. Bringing sexy back for twenty years, Vladmir is Putin the dick back in dictator.

Flickr/ASRainman
Flickr/ASRainman

9. Saddam Hussein

With the smile to break a million hearts, young Saddam Hussein was a real looker, quietly aging into a silver fox. Why do you think he had so many dopplegangers created? Just so he could look at that ladykilling face all day. Like Aaron Samuels, Saddam’s hair looks sexy pushed back. Evil dictators are so fetch.

Flickr/Roller Coaster Philosophy
Flickr/Roller Coaster Philosophy

10. Kim Jong Il

Although his son made The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive, Kim Jong Il got to sexy first. He invented it. Literally. According to North Korean prophecy, his Almighty sexiness was divinely prophesized. Kim Jong Il also claimed to control the weather and that he doesn’t “produce urine or feces.” A hot guy who won’t stink up the bathroom? Total pantydropper.

What do you think? Which dictators would rank on your Maxim list? Twi-hards, are you Team Stalin or Team Gaddafi? Objectify away in the comments.

Flickr/John Pavelka
Flickr/John Pavelka
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