If We Talked About Men Like We Talk About Women

All of these statements about male celebrities, brought to you by no one.

Tommy Lee Jones

“Oh my god, Tommy Lee Jones is such a rude bitch. Why can’t he just smile? Is that so hard? When I see him, I just want to slap that smirk off of his face. And did you see his hair in Lincoln? Just atrocious. Who does Tommy Lee Jones think he is?”

Ashton Kutcher

“Did you hear that Ashton Kutcher cheated on his wife? What a slut. Why would he ever cheat on Demi Moore? He can never do better than her. Let’s make t-shirts that advertise what a whore he is. I wonder if he’ll ever get a job again or if this will hurt his career. Now that everyone knows he’s a tramp, who’s going to take him seriously?”

Jonah Hill

“Jonah Hill used to be a tractor-sized, obese humungous creep. Now he just looks ugly. How does he keep getting roles? He’s not hot and not that good of an actor. Maybe if he just got a nose job and went to the gym he’d be okay, but now I just can’t stand to look at him.”

Daniel Day-Lewis

“Something just bothers me about Daniel Day-Lewis. Maybe it’s his big teeth or his stupid face, but I just hate him. I can’t stand the way he hogs all the spotlights at awards shows and his pretentious, fake speeches. Everything about his persona seems like an act to me. We know you think you’re great, Day-Lewis. Stop pretending to be nice.”

Steve Buscemi

“UGH, he’s just soo boring.”

Christoph Waltz

“Look, I know he’s a great actor and all, but did you see that outfit he wore to the Oscars? What could he have been thinking? That tie with those shoes. Total disaster. Were there no mirrors in his house? Next time he should stay home and let Jennifer Lawrence accept all the awards for him. He’ll never be as good as she is. STOP TRYING, CHRISTOPH. NO ONE LIKES YOU.”

Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman

“Did you hear those horrible things that Hugh Jackman has been saying about Bradley Cooper? Jackman’s resentful of B-Coop for becoming such a big star, because Hugh Jackman, like, invented him. Hugh feels like B-Coop has been hogging the spotlight and being an ungrateful bitch to everyone around him. Bradley thinks it’s just because Hugh is jealous. Why can’t men get along with each other?”

Tim Cook

“A male CEO of a major corporation? How unusual!”

Chuck Lorre

“Wow, this showrunner’s representation of men on The Big Bang Theory is totally stereotypical and regressive, out of touch with the way that men actually act. Nerds don’t dress up in twee sweaters from the 70’s and make jokes about Boron. No one wants to see men as ugly and weird as these guys on TV, and Sheldon really needs to keep his clothes on. Who wants to see that? Just disgusting. I’m going to write a million think pieces about why this show is awful. Where are the black people, Chuck Lorre?”

Meat Loaf:

“Have you seen Meat Loaf’s man boobs? Meat Loaf needs to lose weight, for moral and health reasons. As a well-respected singer and a celebrity, he sends a bad message to men that it’s okay to be fat, when being fat is dangerous. Meat Loaf is a danger to himself and to American men.”

Philip Seymour Hoffman:

“Philip Seymour Hoffman is a little bit fat.”

Adam Sandler

“Why does Adam Sandler dress himself like that? He always looks so dowdy and his clothing just makes him look heavier. Boy needs a makeover, stat.”

Leonardo DiCaprio

“Leonardo DiCaprio is a psycho. He runs around with all of these women, just to splash pictures of the two of them in the tabloids, when everyone knows it’s not going to last. First it’s Gisele Bundchen, then Bar Rafaeli and what was the deal with Blake Lively? They were together for about two seconds. He’s dated just about every actress in town. Pathetic. And why is he always in movies where he pines over his dead wife? Move on, Leo. We’re sick of it.”