1. Watching every episode of Arrested Development a hundred times takes up a lot of your free time.
2. You already have three husbands you are very devoted to. Their names are Aaron Sorkin, Jay Gatsby and Binge Eating.
3. Often food finds its way back out of the garbage and into your mouth. How did that get there?
4. You don’t remember the last time you did laundry.
5. Sometimes you’d rather just fall asleep while watching Felicity or Joseph Campbell documentaries than even attempt to have intercourse with someone.
6. Your Snuggie isn’t built for two.
7. The only pitter-patter of little feet you want in your apartment right now is from the cockroaches in the kitchen, who at least feed themselves and presumably change all their own diapers.
8. Your parents haven’t gotten up the nerve to directly have you married off, but sometimes at Christmas, you see a strange glaze come over your mother’s eyes and you know she’s thinking it.
9. The only blind date you ever liked was the time you and an ex got drunk and watched The Miracle Worker on DVD.
10. In late fall and winter, you like to not shave your legs or your back or your chest or anything for a solid four months and not have to have to worry about anyone looking at it.
11. When you get home, you just want to put on the sweatpants and not give any fucks.
12. You don’t want anyone to know just how often you watch Toddlers and Tiaras. No one goes near your TiVo.
13. Hogging the whole bed and just rolling around in it comfortably is often just as good as having someone in it with you.
14. You watched Fatal Attraction for the first time and never want to go back in that water again.
15. To quote the immortal Cher Horowitz — sage guide of all mankind — you know how picky you are about your shoes, and they only go on your feet.
16. You plan on actually reading Infinite Jest or Finnegan’s Wake this summer, meaning you are clearing your schedule of any other commitments ever.
17. Meg Ryan set you up to fail.
18. You fart way more often than you would like to be accountable for.
19. You are terrified of turning into your mother/father and even more than that, anyone ever bringing that up to you.
20. You are equally nervous that you’ve already romantically peaked. How dare your ex for being such a good partner and setting the bar so high?
21. You only ever see the same 15 people on OkCupid and one of them is your cousin.
22. Fiona Apple just won’t let you be happy.
23. You had to read The Awakening in high school, and you never really got over it. Because that’s what happens when you are in love, and it’s the worst thing ever. You give up your children and then drown in a lake.
24. You, unfortunately, probably won’t marry Ryan Gosling or Christina Hendricks, because they won’t return any of your calls, and definitely can’t marry Doctor Who, because he isn’t real. And Anderson Cooper is gay now (or if you are gay, already taken), so you are even more doomed.
25. You leave the bathroom door open, a lot. You sometimes forget the bathroom even has a door, and you’re all like, “Wait, we don’t pee in a barn?”
26. Your mother won’t stop pulling out your baby photos and your dad probably still has that shotgun for potential mates.
27. You can’t stop drunk dialing people, even though you barely know how to work the smart phone that the people at the door swore you were smart enough to figure out. Drunk dialing, that you can do.
28. You never cook ever, and one time, you seriously considered using the oven to hold excess pairs of shoes because Lorelai Gilmore told you it was a good idea. Who are you to argue with a Gilmore?
29. Your kitchen sink could be certified as a disaster area some days, especially if those days fall during finals week or thesis deadlines.
30. You tend to fall in love with everyone you meet, and you can’t legally marry all of them. Also, Big Love proves that if you did marry all of them, it would be exhausting and one of them would be played by Chloe Sevigny. So, no, thank you.
31. Your imaginary girlfriend or boyfriend dumped you when you were 12, and you are still pining for them.
32. Your cat can’t sign a marriage license or write wedding vows because of a lack of opposable thumbs, but if she could, you would make her so happy, just like a Rihanna song.
33. When you add up your best friends, they are like having a spouse already, and they are just as needy as one. And usually, when you are out with any of them, people think you are either dating, married or conjoined twins.
34. You don’t get bars that aren’t dive bars. How the hell can you be expected to hear anyone when the blaring techno beats won’t leave your ears alone? PISS OFF, KE$HA. Instead, you would rather go to a place where all the patrons remind you of Tom Waits songs and typical conversation involves Reaganomics and Vietnam flashbacks.
35. You know that society expects you to go out and look like a Nicki Minaj video on Friday nights, but most of the time you would secretly rather stay in, have about five glasses of wine and watch reruns of Nova on PBS. Because you are internally a 50-year-old woman.
36. Your life model is Liz Lemon, which is great for most things but a very bad idea when it comes to relationships.
37. The pizza delivery guy doesn’t sell future husbands, just future sadness when you see the five pizza boxes lying near the trash and you know that no one else ate pizza in your apartment last night.
38. Every time you tell your therapist that you are ready to start dating again, they chuckle. Not an outright laugh that would overtly acknowledge the ludicrousness of your idea, but just something to make you nervous about it. You are thinking of getting a therapist to help you deal with being in therapy.
39. You have a bad habit of running into things when you check someone out, like you are the lead in a 90s romantic comedy.
40. You really like being single and being your own person, and not just because the Spice Girls told you to. You know you could be just as empowered in a relationship, but right now, you are just cool doing you. Got a problem with that, Mom, Grandma, and that guy at the grocery store checkout who is weirdly insistent upon the fact that you should be “settled down?” Tough.
41. Settling is for pilgrims. You’d rather be with someone when it doesn’t feel like settling, it just feels right.