50 Signs You’re A Coffee Addict

  1. You pregame coffee with coffee or other forms of caffeine.
  2. You were once seen shotgunning a Diet Coke outside of a café to prepare for drinking more coffee inside.
  3. You make it a rule to have coffee before any important coffee meeting, because you want to already be alert and perky in advance.
  4. You leave some of the coffee you drank before bed on your nightstand, just so you have coffee ready at the moment you wake up.
  5. You prefer to date other coffee drinkers because their mouth tastes like coffee.
  6. You have strongly considered hooking yourself up to an IV filled with coffee and carrying it around with you at all times.
  7. Your formula for making your own coffee is two bags of coffee per cup of water.
  8. You make your coffee so strong no one else will drink it and other people will actually beg you not to make coffee.
  9. You work at a soup kitchen not just because you want to help people but also because it’s an endless hook up for free coffee.
  10. You look at your expenses for the month and see that you spend more on coffee than clothing or food.
  11. You sneak coffee into bars, movie theaters and sometimes sex.
  12. You’ve ever taken a break during sex to “caff up.”
  13. You know what “caff up” means and can say it without laughing.
  14. You sometimes color coordinate your coffee thermos with what you are wearing that day.
  15. You openly judge others on their coffee orders and are vehemently anti-Frappucino.
  16. You drink Frappucinos anyway, when life gets desperate and you really need any caffeine.
  17. You like your coffee like you like your men. In any form you can get it.
  18. You have recurring sexual fantasies or sexual daydreams that involve coffee.
  19. You would marry coffee, if coffee were a person.
  20. You go to pick up coffee beans at the store to grind and a large number of them don’t make it back to your home, because you ate them.
  21. You learned how to brew your own coffee before you learned how to cook.
  22. You sing Harry Nilsson’s “Without You” at karaoke and mentally dedicate it to coffee.
  23. You have dated numerous baristas because of their proximity to free coffee.
  24. You would get turned on when your ex came home from work smelling of the brew.
  25. You have gotten a number of your friends addicted to coffee, because people who are around you always end up drinking it more often than they ever would elsewhere.
  26. You don’t believe in wasting coffee and have actually stopped others from pouring it out by shouting, “No coffee left behind!”
  27. You always tell waiters they can just “leave the pot.”
  28. You will probably put on your tombstone: “Keep it coming.”
  29. You plan to be buried with a to-go cup in your hand.
  30. You spend more time at the café closest to your house than you do at your apartment.
  31. You are on a first-name basis with most of the people that work at said café, their immediate family members, their children and their friends.
  32. You have your family, your chosen family and your “coffee family.”
  33. You don’t take cream in your coffee because it leaves less room for the coffee.
  34. You don’t believe in Americano because you would just prefer a cup full of espresso and started ordering red eyes so there will be no superfluous water in your cup.
  35. You don’t believe in Santa Claus; you believe in Juan Valdez.
  36. You can order a tall blonde with a red eye and know nothing bad is happening.
  37. You have named your mugs.
  38. You don’t remember what life before coffee was like.
  39. You plan on — if you ever win an Oscar — thanking coffee in your acceptance speech.
  40. You secretly don’t see the point of tea.
  41. You once tried to give up coffee and replaced caffeine with crying spontaneously.
  42. You once asked if you could order your coffee “by the barrel.” (They said no.)
  43. You know who the CEOs of Starbucks, Caribou Coffee and Intelligentsia are without looking.
  44. You are known to be a regular at multiple cafes.
  45. You know all of the banks in a ten-mile radius that leave out free coffee for their guests.
  46. You have strongly considered asking a barista to just pour the coffee directly in your mouth.
  47. You can’t get that addicted to smoking or alcohol, because you only have room for one addiction in your life.
  48. Your body is 80% coffee, 20% thinking about how to get more coffee.
  49. Your blood pressure is probably through the roof.
  50. You might have a problem. TC mark
image – Jennifer Balaco


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/alalalex alex

    I read this while drinking my second cup of coffee and am now considering brewing another pot.

  • Jessica

    51. you drink nescafé because it’s your only option…

    • guest

      This is so depressing because I think at least 40 of these apply to me. Including knowing which banks close by serve free coffee (not enough, unfortunately). 

      • guest

        Wooops sorry that wasn’t supposed to be a reply to Jessica :P

    • Eric

      ugh, just as bad as the flavia in my office!

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I used to drink so much coffee as an undergrad (>8 cups/day) in an attempt to stay up to study, that I’d puke the most acidic vomit ever.  I felt like that spitting dinosaur in Jurassic Park.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/NX7KFVY2YTEHJCBPEJUISWU23E AshleyH

      Oh God, so glad this happens to someone else.    I knew that the acid vomit was possibly a bad sign from all the coffee but would never tell anyone or break my relationship with coffee over it.

  • Dottedlinedolores

    Read this this morning when I got to work, ended up drinking more coffee than I normally would. (oh hey, cup #4!)

  • Ale

    Cracked up at #35. I love coffee, I gave it up for lent once and it was a really difficult time :/ I can’t quit!

    • http://refrainfromthemundane.tumblr.com/ Cris Ambrose

      I tried doing the same… broke it the 2nd day.. impossible .___.

  • http://twitter.com/meganmvo Megan Vo

    You use the word “brewru” unironically.

  • 12 step program?

    Numbers that pretty accurately describe my best friend and me: 6, 7, 10, 15, 16, 19, 21, 25, 28, 31, 35, 39, 44, 48 and obvs 50.

    When I get to the level where I know the banks that offer free coffee…time for rehab

  • Guest

    Number 15 for sure. Frappucino is a deal breaker.

  • A-W

    How I once explained my caffeinated,  uncontrollably shaky hands: “it’s a tic, I have Tourette’s.”

    So much shame.

  • http://refrainfromthemundane.tumblr.com/ Cris Ambrose

    Read this while drinking out of my mug, “Clark” — I am at peace.
    Coffee lovers unite.

  • Jhoffman60

    i will be drinking coffee on my death bed. piping hot no cream no sugar!

  • hummingbird

    51. You are able to come up with 50 signs you’re a coffee addict.

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    Reblogged this on and commented:
    47. You can’t get that addicted to smoking or alcohol, because you only have room for one addiction in your life.

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