There are choices we make every day. Whether they are the right choices or wrong ones we can’t possibly know. We live with the choices we make; we walk around like we didn’t choose these lives for ourselves. But we did.
I don’t know if I made the right choice. I don’t know if he made the right choice.
But we are where we are and the question isn’t anymore about right or wrong, – it is about life.
Life we have yet to lead. Life we have yet to unravel. Life we have yet to discover and untangle. Life we have to choose for ourselves. Once again.
And this is how it goes from now on:
You’re going to stop blaming yourself for his decisions.
You are going to stop blaming him for not apologizing enough for not doing what you wanted him to do.
You can’t force him to undo everything he had done and believe me you wouldn’t want to, however your ribcage crushed under mere words from his mouth: “Just be happy.”
You can’t force love to be fair and you can’t make him go back in time and un-break your heart.
You can’t force yourself and your life on him.
From now on you are going to stop thinking of his eyes and his perfect crooked smile.
You will always remember the way he looked at you, but you will have to find better things to do with your time than glorify the past.
You ended up in different corners and that is alright, because that is how God meant it to go.
And I believe you’d want someone in your life who would never waver. Someone who will be 100% sure you are the one and only. Someone who’d love you to the moon and back. You’d want that person to be on your side no matter what, even when you’re a complicated mess. When you cry for no apparent reason and when you scream at the full capacity of your slightly damaged lungs and even when you can’t get out of bed because the weight of the world invaded your sleep and you need a day to pull the sadness out of you.
I know that deep in your heart you still have faith, that you still have love to give.
So maybe give yourself time.
Don’t stop the tears. Don’t try to swallow every little bit of your expression because it is inconvenient and seems weak to the outside world. Live with it. Bear with it. Write some shitty poetry. Go to the bookstore. Smell whole worlds created by the extraordinary minds. Open them. Read the lines. Live in the story. Find peace in the invented universe. Smile and don’t force someone’s timeline on your own.
There will come a time when those timelines will align with someone as extraordinary as you and it will be kismet.