I’m Slowly Learning How To Miss You Without Reaching Out

I’m slowly learning how to miss you without reaching out.  

I’m coming to realize that missing you isn’t a good enough reason to reopen the wound, to try and rekindle the flame. I know now there are better ways to keep warm than staying close to the embers of something that once was, no matter how beautiful it may have been.  

I didn’t initially understand how much holding back can be involved in letting go. I didn’t predict how many times I’d want to text you and let you know that I heard a new song you’d love. Or call you and tell you about my day. But I get it now. I know now that when my fingers hover above your name, it’s best to put my phone down and walk away.  

If I’m being honest with myself, I am longing for a version of you who no longer exists, at least not to me. I miss the person who always knew what to say and what I needed. Now I’m not sure you’d pick up the phone if I did reach out. I don’t even know if you still have my number saved.  

I’m slowly learning that in order to move on, you must know when to say when. When enough is finally and resoundingly enough. So, this is me calling it what it is instead of calling you. This is me saying when.

And while I will let you go, I will never forget you. I will never forget us. Because we deserve to be remembered for all that we were. Our messiness, our joy, our mismatched fates. Our relationship wasn’t particularly exciting or unique. But it was something.

It was ours.

I know we won’t be a love story that gets a page in the history books or that others remember, but I know I will remember us.

I’ll always think of you when I hear the Arctic Monkeys. Or when I walk by the coffee shop where we had our first date. I’ll remember you when I see the red wine stain on the couch. Sometimes I’ll remember you for no reason at all.

There may be times I take the memories as a sign that I need to say something to you. To open the door. But then I will remember that memories aren’t a key. No, memories are a gift we get to share with someone else, even if they are no longer here to reminiscence with us.

So even though I miss you, I won’t reach out. Thank you for giving me something so wonderful to remember and so difficult to let go.