Captain Holt’s 9 Most Hilarious Lines In ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine,’ Ranked
"I have zero interest in food. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal."
Captain Raymond Holt (played by the late Andre Braugher, who sadly passed away in December 2023 at the age of 61) is truly one of the most well-written characters in television history. However, it was Braugher who made Captain Holt so believable. No other actor could have played him as perfectly as Braugher.
Captain Holt has some of the most hilarious lines in Brooklyn Nine-Nine precisely because of his robotic, deadpan delivery. The juxtaposition of what he says compared to the tone in which he says the lines make for peak comedy. It’s what makes Captain Holt so iconic in the first place.
Here are Captain Holt’s nine most hilarious lines in Brooklyn Nine-Nine, ranked. (Warning: Spoilers ahead!)
9. “I have zero interest in food. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.”
Season 2, Episode 9 “The Road Trip”
Like, sir??? WHAT?
8. “YOU TOOK THE WRONG FLUFFY BOY!”
Season 7, Episode 12 “Ransom”
When Cheddar is kidnapped, Captain Holt goes John “Wicks” and will not rest until he finds his and Kevin’s fluffy boy. When Jake releases Cheddar from the perp’s car, Jake is kidnapped as a result. When Captain Holt finally finds Jake, he gets his vengeance on the perp, screaming “YOU TOOK THE WRONG FLUFFY BOY!”
7. “I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.”
Season 4, Episode 5 “Halloween IV”
Every year on Halloween, the squad gets together to take on the Halloween Heist so someone can be delcared “An Amazing Human/Genius.” And every year, they go overboard betraying one another hoping to win. During the fourth iteration of the Halloween Heist, the usual smack talk ensues, with this incredibly odd, graphic and hilarious line from Holt.
6. “Yes, I wish it were tan.” Captain Holt, on the color of the sky.
Season 3, Episode 17 “Adrian Pimento”
When the precinct needs extra funding, Captain Holt applies for a grant to upgrade their office equipment. The application requires a video with the submission. Captain Holt enlists Gina to help him make the movie.
When Gina comments on Holt’s lack of camera presence, she encourages him to pizazz it up, inquiring as to whether he’s ask the sky to stop being so blue. As it turns out, he would:
Gina Linetti: Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain Holt: Yes I wish it were tan.
Gina: What?
Holt: It’s my favorite color. It’s no-nonsense.
5. “Peralta, Santiago, you will be happy to know that I did not erase the server. But sad to know that Knox caught on, and is now holding me at gunpoint.”
Season 6, Episode 14 “Ticking Clocks”
When the Nine-Nine is under threat of a hacker that could result in erasing the server and months and months of evidence, the squad hunts the building trying to find the hacker. As it turns out, the hacker was with them all along–Lieutenant Knox.
4.”Are you saying my life matters less because I don’t conform to society’s heteronormative, child-centric ideals?”
Season 5, Episode 1 “The Big House Pt. 1”
When Rosa and Jake are framed for a string of bank robberies and are sent to prison, the squad puts their heads together to figure out how to reveal their innocence.
Captain Holt and Terry also visit Rosa and she gives them a list of favors she needs to be done on the outside, one being that either Terry or Captain Holt take her motorcycle out once a day so it’s not sitting idle. The two argue over who will take on this task. Terry doesn’t want to because he has three kids and “isn’t risking it,” to which Holt responds playing the “gay card.” Yas, queen.
3. “Wuntch is dead! Bagels for everyone!”
Season 7, Episode 7 “Ding Dong”
When Captain Holt’s arch rival Madeline Wuntch (Kyra Sedgwick) passes away unexpectedly, to say he is thrilled would be an understatement. While his initial response is that of petty, psychotic glee, this episode actually ends on a poignant note as Captain Holt is forced to give the eulogy at Wuntch’s NYPD memorial. It is then he realizes the profound impact Wuntch had during his life and he admits that he is sad she is gone.
2. “Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So, thank you.”
Season 5, Episode 10 “Game Night”
Rosa comes out to the squad and her family as bisexual. While her friends accept her exactly as she is, her family does not. While her father eventually comes around at the end of the episode, Rosa’s mom still needed more time and Rosa is uninvited from their weekly family game night.
To support Rosa, Jake throws together a game night with the squad. As Captain Holt walks in, he says some of the most moving lines in the series, affirming who she is and comforting her.
1. “BONE!”
Season 4, Episode 8 “Skyfire Cycle”
Obviously this is the best Captain Holt quote ever. When the night shift begins to interfere with the squad’s personal lives, Captain Holt too becomes grumpy with the new schedule. In season 4, episode 8, he and his husband Kevin become enraged with one another over the Monty Hall math problem. They cannot agree on who is right (it’s Kevin).
While Amy desperately tries to explain the math to Captain Holt to cheer him up and fix his problems with Kevin, Rosa states that it’s not about the math. It’s that the night shift is getting in the way of their relationship and that Captain Holt and Kevin “just need to bone.” When she tells this to Holt…well. It does not go well in the most hilarious way possible.
