There’s a space that exists between in love and not, a sink or swim moment where you know you’re on the brink of completely tumbling into love and you have to decide whether or not you should take that leap. I’m not sure how much control we really have over whether or not we jump, but somewhere at some point, we let our walls fall and accept and embrace how we feel, even if there’s no guarantee the other person feels the same way. We know we’re in love and there’s no going back.
And to be honest, I don’t think I remember how to get to that place. I don’t think I remember how to fall in love.
I don’t remember how to get to the part where you’re excited over someone else, the part where you’re looking forward to the weekend because it means you might get to see them. I don’t remember how to get butterflies when their name pops up on your phone. I don’t remember how to gush to my friends about someone and I don’t remember what it’s like to not be able to sleep because all you can think about is someone else.
I guess part of this is my fault. I have no dating apps on my phone and I’ve stopped trying to talk to guys at parties. I avoid eye contact with men on the street and tend to politely cut small talk short when I’m waiting in line for coffee or a drink at the bar.
Because all I can think is, What is the point?
To be clear, it’s not that I’m bitter. I’d like to think it could still happen for me some day. I’m happy for my friends who have found love. But for right now, I just can’t let anyone in. I push any and every chance away.
I’ve completely lost my taste for what ifs and could bes. I’m only interested in what is.
I don’t really know how I got here. Friends discuss new love interests and dates and people they’ve been seriously dating for some time, and I never have anything to contribute. I never have anything to say. I feel a little left out, but I still can’t seem to put myself out there. I just can’t get myself to take a shot.
Because every time I come close to saying hello, all I can remember is the aftertaste of our goodbye and I can’t seem to wash the feeling down.