Depression Is

woman standing in shadows
God & Man

Depression is constantly feeling like you’ve lost something but can’t remember where you left it, or what it even was that went missing in the first place. Depression is feeling as though there’s a piece of you missing somewhere in the world and knowing you’ll never be able to get it back.

Depression is dirty, crumpled bed sheets and laugh-crying through the same episodes of New Girl over and over again because at least it’s familiar and at least it makes you feel a little less alone.

Depression is seeing hope and drawing your shades shut anyway. Depression is hearing faith and turning up your music louder to drown it all out. Depression is believing those things were never meant for you at all.

Depression is looking in the mirror at your tearstained face that has mascara hugging your cheeks and wondering how you’re on the verge of 26 and still falling apart in tears so easily and so often. Depression is hating yourself for feeling like you’re unable to grow up.

Depression is wondering how and when you got so fucked up. Depression is wishing you were different, praying that one day you’ll wake up as someone else.

Depression is guilt. Depression is your worried and frustrated family who want to help but just don’t know how. Depression is desperately trying to explain what’s going on in your mind when you don’t even really understand it yourself.

Depression is slowly drowning, over years and years. Every now and then you’re able to come up for air, but you’re still being dragged down by a current that’s out to get you and you don’t know what you did to deserve it at all. 

Depression is doctors appointments and little blue pills. Depression is explaining the darkest pieces of yourself to total strangers and hoping that one of them can save you from all the hell that has hijacked your mind and taken over your life.

Depression is being scared to date or get into a relationship because you’re convinced you’re unlovable. Depression is pushing everyone away because you don’t want to get them involved. Depression is being afraid to let anyone close because you’re convinced they’re going to leave.

Depression is not your fault. Depression is a chemical imbalance. Depression is an illness. Depression is something that can happen to anyone and nothing you’ve done has brought this on yourself.

Depression is many things, but it is not you. Depression is not me. TC mark

Molly Burford

Writer. Editor. Hufflepuff. Dog person.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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