Almost is such a painfully poetic word; we were almost perfect, we were almost lovers, we almost made it. And like the word, almost relationships are arguably the hardest type of relationships to move on from. Despite having spent shorter time with each other, couples with these types of relationships also have fewer memories to cling onto and sadly, some of them have invested even more feelings than those in ‘real’ ones. Being in an almost relationship is like walking on a thin rope. It’s like tiptoeing at 3 a.m. It’s not knowing where you stand, questioning whether you have the right to be mad or to be jealous, and not having a voice because speaking might only scare him away.
This is how you deal with almost relationships: you stop wondering why it had to end. Even if the most you held was hands, when you didn’t even get to spend an out-of-town trip or when he didn’t even tell you that he was in love with you. Yes, being in an almost, non-labeled relationship still matters but this doesn’t mean that you have to settle for less. Because you deserve better. You deserve a love that is certain. You deserve someone who doesn’t keep you up at night, wondering whether you are single or not, whether you should admit to your friends how you’re falling for someone who seems to be not ready for commitment. You have to realize that someone who is truly interested in you not only gives you love and attention but assurance. He will remind you that you are what he wants and because of this, he will not treat you as an option but as an answer. He will not make you wonder whether or not he is happy because you will know through his actions that you are his happiness. He will never make you feel less because he will give you a love that’s full.
Nevertheless, regardless of the type of relationship you had, being left still hurts. But more than being left, being left with no explanation is a much harder battle to face. Because the truth is that we always need a reason. Why did it happen all of a sudden? Is there someone else? Were the times we spent together meant nothing at all? Was I not enough? Does he no longer love me?
This is how you deal with no closure breakups: you just have to accept that sometimes, having no closure is closure. Because whether or not he gave you an explanation, a change of heart has happened and that alone means something. That alone meant everything. Having no closure hurts simply because feelings have already been invested. Because you have loved. And loving then losing inflicts pain. Your pain becomes such a powerful thing that it makes you question a lot of things and makes you doubt even your own worth. So instead of being content with one answer, this fear of not knowing where it all went wrong makes you search for more questions. This fear of not accepting only makes you weaker because over and over again, while you focus on giving the love you have for the person who has left, you unconsciously deprive yourself the love that you so deserve. This fear only stops you from understanding that sometimes, there could really be no closure; you just walk on.
Almost relationships. Having no closure. Both tell a tale of someone with a “one that got away” in their lives. And as much as you’d like to forget these people, at times they‘re stuck on you, like a gum on your shoe, like a tattoo, like the handwritten letter he gave you which you can’t even dare crumple. There are nights when you remember them as if it all happened yesterday and you begin to wonder: could we have worked if I did this or would he have not left if I did that? This is exactly what we do wrong: we often think of things that could have or would have happened that we fail to realize the reasons why they didn’t happen in the first place.
This is how you deal with the ones who got away: look back. Sometimes, looking back can also be a good thing. Instead of imagining a future with the ones who got away, go back to the times you spent with them and think about when and why did the fire begin to lose its flame. Pick up the pieces of the unfinished puzzle. Gather the fallen petals that lay dry on the floor. Remember that it’s okay to feel the pain all over again. Embrace it and cry if you must. But once you find your answers, start walking towards the present. There’s a reason why the past is called the past.
And just in case you can’t find the answers, there is one solution that applies to any kind of a relationship’s ending: give up. Just give up the fight and let go. Realize that maybe you’re the only one left fighting or you simply had different battles to face. Understand that he got away and let go of all the hope that he is coming back because whether or not he is, what matters now is that you heal. If pain is left, use it to make yourself stronger. If hate remains, don’t let it consume you and find your light. If sadness takes over, let it enter but never wallow in it. Just wait. Wait for someone who is not just your home but your haven. Someone who will walk with you, hand in hand, and who will never lose his pace when the road gets rough. Someone who gets tired but never gives up. It’s our duty to love ourselves and even if sometimes, that means giving up the love we once thought was ours to keep for a lifetime.