This Is Why Loving An Introvert Is Complicated

Amy Humphries

Mysterious has always been one of the many characteristics of the many types of introverts. And while this trait may be considered attractive to some, dating an introvert is usually misconstrued as a hard task to many—especially for the extroverts, of course. But as an introvert, maybe that’s okay.

Maybe what we need is someone who takes an effort to get to know us, in spite of being complicated. Maybe what we need is someone who’s willing to know the mystery behind our shy demeanor. Someone willing not to break but to be inside our own little bubbles. Someone who’s willing to listen. Or maybe just someone who’s willing.

We appreciate the beauty of silence.

Instead of Friday nights in a bar, we love getting home with the person we value the most and spending the entire night with them. We love eating with them while watching our favorite movies and talking about even the things that don’t matter. We appreciate the stillness of rainy days, the idea of a date in a bookstore or a museum or walking a dog in a park, and we crave for the connection to be felt in a crowded train with the person we love. We love these mundane little things as much as we love the silence.

But don’t get us wrong; it’s not that we hate talking to people. In fact, given the chance, we’d also like some of our stories to be heard. It’s just that we don’t like talking to a bunch of strangers, let alone sit and spend time with them. And perhaps this is where another quality of being an introvert gets in the equation. We carefully choose the people we spend time with. Sometimes, there are certain people that we just can’t handle and more often than not, we simply get tired of socializing with almost everyone.

Most of us introverts are listeners more than speakers so conversations for us can be nerve wracking: it’s either we don’t know how to start one, we run out of appropriate responses or we’re simply uncomfortable sharing our private lives with strangers. What we want is to create a sense of connection only with certain people we sincerely like to get to know. And once we do, once we finally open up to them, we cling onto them with our hearts and share everything with them with our silent but genuine souls.

We need our own alone time.

Inasmuch as we’d like to include our partners during these private times, there are simply moments when we have to isolate ourselves from the world. We need space to breathe, and to reconnect with our inner selves. While others need to drink, travel or work, this is how we recharge. During these times, we need people to know that we are not selfish. However, when it comes to our partners, we need you to know that we do not intend to hurt you by thinking that we are losing passion and interest towards you.

Believe that once we love you, we devote ourselves to you as much as we can. Once we love you, we really do, yet we also need these moments alone with our souls as much as we need our moments with you. Because you and our alone times are the things that push us forward—our strength suffice it to say—that make us love and appreciate our lives a little better.

We need to be understood more than normal people.

And by saying this, we agree that we are not normal—only in the sense that we do not function well with the majority. We are what the society call loners, socially awkward, geeks, nerds, and even weirdos. And while these words may affect us in the smallest of ways, we actually accept them for the pinch of truth they actually hold. More than being accepted, we need to be understood that our world is more complicated; we overthink, we become pessimists, and the voices in our heads are probably much louder than the voice we let people hear.

We have tendencies to feel sad for no apparent reason. And because we do, we need the people we chose to be in our lives to really be in it. We need to hear your voice because this is how we find comfort. We need your touch because this is our security blanket. During times like these, we simply need you to be here. We need your patience. Because we have mood swings, we often forget the idea of time. We could spend hours, days or weeks drowning in our own emotions.

We forget how to express and just keep all the things in our mind inside us, like a pent up volcano. But once we erupt, we need your patience as much as we need your trust in our capacity to tell you what we’re feeling, using our own unique methods. When we do, like when we attend social events, we need someone to reach out to us. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak up, to question what happened—maybe just someone who could lend a hand or who could gently tap our backs that says “It’s okay. You can breathe now.”

We are idealistic.

Because most of us spend our time reading or watching, our aspirations are wider and these include our hopes in terms of our love life. We want someone who’s almost as the same as us. We want someone whom we would feel comfortable with, whether it’s in a crowded bar or, preferably, in a quiet room cuddled in warm sheets. We don’t want superficial conversations. We want someone who’s passionate about something, about anything. We want someone who asks us not questions like “What’s your favorite color?” but instead “What do you think about the color blue?”

Someone who doesn’t ask where we live but instead whether or not we like the place we live in. Someone who doesn’t ask what we’re doing during rainy days but instead ask what we feel when it rains. We don’t like simple his and hellos. We want someone who’s deep and curious and smart. But we don’t demand that we have the same tastes; we just want someone who has the capacity to make us understand how we could love the things he loves. Someone who’s patient. Someone who sincerely tries.

Yet even if we are all these complicated things, all we need is someone who is willing to understand us in the best way that they can because even us introverts sometimes don’t understand ourselves.

We want to know that they appreciate what they find in us, including the messy, unlovable details. We want to be sure that you are sure of us. Because introverts only enter into a relationship once they find someone they see potential of spending forever with, we want you to be serious about us as much as we are about you. We want you to let us see it all: your mind, your heart, your soul. We don’t like settling for less because more than knowing what we want, we know what we deserve.

And this is not introverts thinking highly of ourselves; this is us simply knowing one of the prerequisites of being in a relationship—loving ourselves first. Because once we share the love we so tried to keep, we give it all. We don’t hold back. We will find tranquility in you and because of this, we will trust you and we will be ourselves around you. We will never take you for granted because once an introvert loves, he will be willing to give you what could probably his most important possession: his own bubble.

He will not only let you in this bubble he tried so hard to protect but he will give it to you because he trusts you. After all, when an introvert loves, he will not need this bubble that often because he will find love, comfort, and silence somewhere else: with you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

MJ Mariano

It’s what we ache for that matters.

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