Hi. How are you? I really hope that you’re doing fine. Although honestly, the selfish part of my soul hopes that you somehow, even in a small, fleeting way, feel the misery of missing me too.
I am writing this letter as an aftermath of seeing your face in my dreams—a happy one—but then waking up to the cold realization that it was just what it was: a dream. I realized that I still hurt, yet I was never sure why. Maybe because we ended, or maybe because I am alone, or maybe because there is still a part of me that goes back to the reason why we fell apart and how we could have actually made it work, if only you fought a little harder.
Nevertheless, this letter is for all the words I want to say, and for the all questions I wish I had asked.
For all the obvious reasons, I’d like to tell you first that I miss you. I miss you with all my heart, with all the bones inside me, and with my soul that once connected with yours. I miss your hazel eyes and your crooked smile, and God knows how much I miss your smell too that used to linger in my nose even hours after we part. I miss your gentle touch and your warm embrace, and how safe and sound I felt when I was buried in your neck. I miss you and the last time I’ve seen your face, you taking that cab, and that cab driving away from me. I miss all that you are, all that you are not, and I even miss—for I couldn’t help but wonder—all that you will ever be.
Secondly, this is the first time I’m telling you this but I hate you. I know it’s ill, I know it’s not right, but let’s face it: at one point you have to realize that a shattered piece of my heart hates you. I hate that you left me, and I hate that you threw all the memories we shared together. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to make that decision, but nonetheless I still hate you for not including me—not including us—in your choice. I hate you for leaving me during the time in my life when I was weakest, when I needed you the most. I hate you because you are weak; because you were not strong enough to fight for us and all our dreams and aspirations. I hate that you gave up. Just. Like. That. But above all these, I hate you because no matter how much I do hate you, my love for you has always been greater and stronger than any other feeling that I have for you.
And lastly, this is for all the questions that up to this day haunt me, questions that were left unanswered, questions I wish you had the courage to face. Were you lying when you told me the reason for your leaving? Was it because you just got tired of me? Did you no longer want me? Did I become too much? Have I been too clingy, too demanding, too loving? Or did you simply have to let go of the thing that weighs you down the most which, sadly, ends up to be me?
I wish we had the time to talk about all these. I wish we had the time, not even to talk but to end things properly. Actually, I simply just wish we had more time. As simple as that. Because if only we had, maybe I would’ve been a little more prepared. Maybe I could’ve whispered my heart to be ready for that sudden wave of emotions just so I didn’t drown. Maybe it would’ve hurt less.
Nevertheless, I don’t blame you for leaving, and I never will. Perhaps it’s true that love is just never enough but this should not mean that our love story was less than other stories. I still hold on to the thought that there is a greater meaning, a grander reason, behind the closing of our book. Maybe you were my reason, my lesson, or maybe I was yours. Maybe we were each other’s reasons. And maybe our lesson is understanding when to let go and to forgive.
It’s been quite a long time since we broke up, and by this point, no matter many maybes I have had, and how difficult our breakup has been, I sincerely wish you well. I hope, even realizing how much it hurts, that you’re doing just fine without me.
In case you wonder too, I am okay. There’s still a lot of fixing, but I’m breathing. And although the sun does not shine as bright as it used to when you were around, and the rainy nights now make me feel cold without your warmth, I’ll continue to be okay, I’ll continue to breathe. The stars in the universe may not have conspired for our love story to reach its happy ending but at least, once in this lifetime, they have led me to you.
You’re still my greatest memory.