When You Need To Just Have Sex With Someone, Already

If you Instagram every cocktail and basket of fries you order with this person, you need to have sex. No one Instagrams food they eat with people they don’t want to have sex with. In fact, if you tag each other on Facebook consistently when you’re out doing things together, even things as pointless as going to the post office, you’re basically wearing a massive I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW sign. It’s the ultimate declaration of modern romance.

If you keep poking each other on Facebook knowing full well that a) no one does that anymore, and b) everyone knows what that means, you need to have sex. Similarly, if they’re the only person you ever want to talk to on Facebook chat, which no one ever willingly uses, you need to have sex. If they post hilarious and timely memes on your wall, by all means have sex, but under no circumstances should you have sex with them if they keep writing “miss u” or “<3 <3 <3 <3” because it’s clear they obviously have some attachment issues. There’s a delicate balance.

If they favorite everything you tweet, you need to have sex. People only retweet things when they’re particularly funny or interesting, basically being like “This is cool enough to belong on my Twitter feed too, so why not,” but favoriting someone’s tweet is like saying “I love this thing you said, but it’d be kind of weird and too personal to put it out there for everyone to see so I’ll just save it here to read fifty times more later.” This doesn’t apply all the time, but favoriting is like internet pheromones: you just know. 

If you interact in any way on Tumblr, you obviously need to have sex. But then again everyone on Tumblr just needs to have sex with each other. Just a massive internet orgy of political correctness and hipbones and love.

If they know about random nerdy things you’re obsessed with, that’s also a clear indicator that you need to have sex. For example, if a light starts flickering and they make a reference to Kant, you need to have sex. If you’re going to the store for flowers and they quote Mrs. Dalloway, you need to have sex (or not, if you hated that book, but probably have sex anyway just for the sharp pickup). If you blow out a candle and they start quoting Macbeth, have sex right then and there, they’ve earned it. You get the idea.

Also, if they’re the only person you consistently drunk text that is not your ex (but it’s possible that they could be your ex; if the English language hadn’t intended that sort of thing, those words wouldn’t rhyme, duh), you need to have sex. That’s just how it goes. Plus, if over half of your text messages contain various combinations of <3 and ;), stop technologically masturbating and have sex already. No one sends that many winky faces for no reason, unless they’re not from this country and just think it’s cute. But even then you can’t be too sure.

If they give you backrubs without complaining it’s because they want to have sex with you. Seriously — if you’re ever curious if someone wants to have sex, ask for a backrub. There’s a point at which even your significant other stops giving you backrubs. No one ever wants to give anyone a backrub unless they’re doing it for money or they want to have sex. And if the backrub lasts more than five minutes, that means they also deeply care for you as a person.

And if they go out of their way to bring you snacks, you absolutely need to have sex. Bonus if they bring you snacks when you’re hungover. Double bonus if you’re hungover together and they actually volunteer to get out of bed and get the snacks — forget the sex, it’s true love. Also, if they know your Starbucks order by heart without having to ask you, you need to have sex. If they know it changes by season, extra sex. And if they know the difference between a cappuccino and a macchiato, that’s a marriage situation. TC Mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • rachel

    this was very factual.

  • Gee

    haha! funniest article I’ve read in a while. and accurate!

  • Sebastian

    Damn. We do need to have sex. Calling her now. Thanks you for this post!

    • mike_strizic@hotmail.com

      Thanks YOU for making me read your comment in the voice of Swisgar from Metalocalypse!

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/when-you-need-to-just-have-sex-with-someone-already-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • http://tjasonham.wordpress.com Jason Ham

    So no one likes facebook chat? Feel bad for bothering all my friends on fbchat now lol. :(

    • Juliet

      My first thought when I read that line too :(

  • http://www.andrewest.tumblr.com Andrew West

    I opened tumblr and this page at the same time….I need to have sex.

  • sarah

    soooo fuckin funny

  • http://slacktory.com/2012/06/have-sex-already/ Slacktory | This seems legit.

    […] When You Need to Just Have Sex With Someone, Already by Mila Jaroniec [Thought […]

  • Guest

    Hey, I just met you
    And this is crazy
    So here’s my number
    We need to have sex

    • SJR

      potential pick up line of the year?

  • Amanda

    Where are all these guys that bring you snacks? And juice? Does he bring you juice.

    • http://twitter.com/JessLK721 Jess K (@JessLK721)

      Forget juice. Coffee.

  • Greg

    I wish there were an article advocating for delaying sex until marriage. There are still many of us out here who have those old fashioned values.

    • Steph


    • jam

      why tho

    • Ethel

      I agree. Thoughtcatalog is full of articles advocating liberalism and openness and having sex with whoever-you-want-whenever-you-want. I can’t wait to read one that actually talks about waiting for true love and the right one.

      • Alex

        You’d be waiting forever, that’s why.

      • Ellie

        Ten points for Alex!

      • Jeff

        You guys should exchange number already

  • Anonymous

    spot on

  • Peter

    Great idea, it was well constructed and full of facts. I have done many of these same things when I want to bone the shit out of a girl!

    I have one gripe. This sentence:

    Also, if they’re the only person you consistently drunk text that is not your ex (but it’s possible that they could be your ex; if the English language hadn’t intended that sort of thing, those words wouldn’t rhyme, duh), you need to have sex.

    This was a hard sentence to read. You sound like a stereotypical dumb girl when you write like that.

    • http://gravatar.com/milajaroniec milajaroniec

      Kinda like saying you want to “bone the shit out of a girl” makes you sound like a stereotypical dumb boy?

      • bananabear

        ^ Boom.

      • Peter

        Exactly! Glad you get the point!

    • H

      You like…literally want a girl to shit all over you when you’re having sex with her? There’s places you can go for that type of thing.

  • Ana

    Haha! Hilarious!

    ” If you blow out a candle and they start quoting Macbeth, have sex right then and there, they’ve earned it.”

  • J

    Why didn’t you post this one day sooner? Seriously.

  • laura

    I love this article and everything about it, such a good read and super accurate, it’s probably the best TC article this week. (I’m an intern with little to do so yes I have read nearly all of them)

  • http://frixylene.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/hahahahaaaahhhh/ hahahahaaaahhhh « He's like a handsome shark!

    […] funny. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]

  • http://alicedanslalune.tumblr.com alice

    I need to have sex

  • http://www.twitter.com/jollygreen303 Darren


  • http://ilovetotakeyouout.wordpress.com finch

    you should submit this funneh article to collegehumor.com :D

  • guiltyascharged

    I rolled out of bed and drove what felt like an hour to tend your hangover with a smoothie miss mila but nooOoo. Was never good enough for you. Lol

  • Sam

    I use tumblr as a portfolio for my work. It’s on my CV (although I use a custom domain). There’s a billion great artists, designers, photographers etc on there. There might be a bunch of morons with folders full of One Direction GIFs posting lame blogs, but people do that all over the internet.

    There’s no point tarring the whole platform with the same brush just to make the same joke that every other Thought Catalog writer has already made. People actually work for tumblr, and if you keep perpetuating this stereotype for the sake of a joke that, deep down, you know no one will really care for then you’re killing a pretty stand-up company for doing exactly what you’re trying to do – trying to make a bit of money providing a service on the internet.

    • jon

      wow sam. chill. have some sex.

  • http://twitter.com/CSHildenbrandt Caleb Hildenbrandt (@CSHildenbrandt)

    “A massive internet orgy of political correctness and hipbones and love” was the best and truest line in this piece.

  • Ajao rasheed

    Some real need it.

blog comments powered by Disqus