Things Lesbians Say, And What They Really Mean

Not exclusive to lesbians, but common among them.

What they say: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”

What they mean: You’re not who I see myself adopting three cats and moving into a cold-water walk-up in Greenpoint with. Sorry.

Alternate meaning: I like you but under no circumstances will I be known as your girlfriend. I’m just not ready for that type of commitment. I still expect you to hang out with me/ text me/ hold my hand/ buy me shots, though.

What they say: “What? Nothing’s wrong.”

What they mean: You just f-cked up. Bad. Don’t talk to me.

Alternate meaning: Absolutely everything in my life is wrong! Try and get it out of me. Come on, you’re not trying. God, do you even care? Try harder. Ask more questions!

What they say: “Do you think she’s hot? I mean, it’s cool if you do…”

What they mean: Omg, you are mentally banging her right now. I can just see it. Just try to lie to me and say no, I dare you. Don’t think I won’t remember this when we go home tonight.

Alternate meaning: How do you think she would feel about a threesome?

What they say: “What are you talking about, I love your friends!”

What they mean: I would rather drink a pint of antifreeze than be forced to fake-laugh at any more of those corduroy-wearing d-bags’ lame stories.

Alternate meaning: I wish you would hang out with them more.

What they say: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

What they mean: If you even think about bringing this up again, we are over. I’m not kidding.

Alternate meaning: We need to talk about it. Extensively. You start.

What they say: “Why are you being distant?”

What they mean: Who are you thinking about right now?

Alternate meaning: If you’re going to break up with me just do it already! I’m not going to sit here patiently while you choose what words you’re going to break my heart with!

What they say: “What do you mean, what do I mean?!”

What they mean: Are you even listening to me? I just told you everything that’s wrong with my life in under two minutes and you ask me what I mean?? You really don’t get it? Ugh, I’m not telling you again. Why are we even together.

Alternate meaning: I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore, I was kind of hoping you did.

What they say: “Babe, we need to talk. About us.”

What they mean: I hope you don’t have anything important to do within the next fourteen hours, because that’s how long it will take to get through everything.

Alternate meaning: I don’t know how to say this without admitting I went through your phone, but you’re in trouble.

What they say: “I was basically sober all night, I only had three beers!”

What they mean: I got completely sh-thoused and may or may not have groped the DJ, the bouncer and your best friend.

Alternate meaning: I got completely sh-thoused and may or may not have groped the DJ, the bouncer and your best friend. And I accidentally hit your credit limit. Oops. TC mark

image – christopher simon

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  • Hollie Coates

    I can’t stop laughing! That was hilarious! 

  • aggle

    well with the Alternative Meanings included…I can’t even argue hah
    spot on

  • Emily

    How is this specific to just lesbians?

    • Mila Jaroniec

      “Not exclusive to lesbians, but common among them.”

      • SaraH

        Uh, no, only common among select few who have a specific culture that would cause anyone (not just lesbians) to say these things. However, there do exist lesbians in other cultures that would not only never say these things, but if they did they would certainly not mean what it says they mean. Generalizing and excluding the existence of other cultures is not okay.

      • Brandon h

        Oh please grow The fuck up. It’s self deprecating satire. Get off the cross.

      • NoSexCity

        And a hat tip to you, sir.

  • Anonymous

  • Lesbian

    Mila, I appreciate the fact that you write about lesbians, although I wish it felt more all-inclusive. I’m a lesbian and I can’t find myself relating to your articles very often. Maybe it’s because I’m a Santa Cruz lesbian, and we’re a different breed.

    • Mila Jaroniec

      That’s what I keep hearing! Don’t worry, I’ll be visiting the West Coast shortly. Strictly for research purposes……..

      • ex-cruz

        I think you find that they, like most in Santa Cruz, believe that they are different (better?) than everyone else.

      • Lesbian

        I totally agree with you to an extent. There are a lot of people here who are full of themselves in a way that is completely detestable. I hate it sometimes. However, there is a large community of lesbians here that aren’t from Santa Cruz (I’m originally from LA) and it’s interesting to contrast the city lesbians vs. the suburban lesbians. 

      • Lesbian

        If you’re ever in Santa Cruz I recommend going to the Farmer’s Market that happens on Wednesdays. You will find all the lesbians there.


    When will we stop attributing personality traits to someone’s sexual desires?  This article is slowing down progress.

  • Spencer Niemetz

    I visualized about 6 of the 7 lesbians in my life throughout this article and it fit them perfectly.

  • Laura Arayata

    Was this written about me?

  • Anonymous Hippo

    omg.. i think i’m a lesbian

  • Anonymous

    “I hope you don’t have anything important to do within the next fourteen
    hours, because that’s how long it will take to get through everything.”

    Oh lord, yes. (Although, I have known dudes to do this too.)

  • Anonymous

  • Katie

    mila is a lesbian, she is writing from a lesbian’s perspective, so why does everyone keep commenting about it? it’s her experience. when someone on this site writes about a heterosexual relationship, no one criticizes the article for excluding or omitting gay experience.

    you are being heteronormative. stop it! it’s irritating in any context, especially when it manifests in anonymous internet comments from people who fancy themselves to be progressive and not mere reflections of ‘lamestream’ (i.e. oppressive) culture.

  • Guest

    As a lesbian, I can attest that this is essentially all true. 

  • Tanya Barrios

    I’m a lesbian too and as much as I love women, this is the shit that freaks me the fuck out about them. haha

  • Heather Mckown

    My girlfriend and i read this together and we laughed so hard…i think i’ve basically said all of these things at one time…maybe not the first and the last.

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