Thought Catalog

7 Types Of Lesbians You’ll Find In A Gay Bar

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A relatively small sampling of the many different types of girls who like girls you can expect to encounter in gay bars nationwide. If you don’t come across any of these, you are clearly not at a gay bar.

The Plastic Dyke

The Plastic Dyke never has a hair out of place, most likely because it is frozen in time with the help of five different kinds of hairspray and pomade. You’ll know her when you see her: shiny combat boots, tight pants sagged low enough to show off three pairs of designer boxers, several studded belts, and a multitude of shirts color-coordinated with a vest, a blazer and a bomber jacket. There is doubtlessly a bandana in the mix. Her self-consciously assembled yet irreverently edgy outfit sends the dual message of “I layer like a pro” and “No really, I’m gay,” somehow girls mistake this for originality and genuine sex appeal. You can actually catch this one posing.

Can also be found at: 7-Eleven buying Four Loko with pocket change

The Constantly-Pegged-As-Straight Ultra-Femme

This girl shows up at the bar in 6-inch heels, a skintight mini, a pound of makeup and two feet of cleavage, but nine times out of ten ends up boozy, dejected, and in a cab to Taco Bell by the end of the night. Even though she wants nothing more than to get piledrived by an aggressive butch, everyone just assumes she’s too pretty to be gay and leaves her alone. After she gets ignored by the bartender for at least fifteen minutes, she will post up at the bar, pop her hip, sip her cocktail, flip her hair, and check her phone every three minutes, all the while shooting off “come bang me” vibes toward the herd of masculine girls hanging around obliviously.

Can also be found at: Starbucks, the MAC counter

The Under-Rager

Deliberately wears long sleeves to hide the obnoxious black X’s on her hands. Before she gets kicked out for doing shots under a table, she will have successfully banged a 28-year-old peroxide blonde in a bathroom stall. She will feel a swell of pride and accomplishment for this but make sure to act like it’s NBD.

Can also be found at: School

The Deceptively Sexy Faux-Butch

This is the girl femmes cream over. She is, for lack of a better word, smoking hot–she puts the short hair, tattoos, great arms, and genuine swagger on display as far as the eye can see, and she’s not sorry. Unfortunately, she is also the embodiment of the “butch in the streets, femme in the sheets” archetype. She can fix your car, kill a spider, shotgun two beers at once and grill out with your dad, but you’ve got a better chance at getting a compass to point South than getting this one to give you good top. She’s aggressive and dominating in all other areas of life, but get her in bed and she’s the one throwing her legs up. This behavior usually elicits a suppressed “WTF?” reaction from the unsuspecting femme who took her home under the false assumption that she scored herself a daddy.

Can also be found at: Home Depot, roller derby

The Frat Boy Prototype

As the title suggests, this one is essentially a frat boy in girlie form. She burps loudly and unapologetically, still plays Edward Forty-Hands with her housemates, and is able to quote Fight Club and Family Guy in her sleep. She may or may not actually be in college. Trappings of the Frat Boy Prototype include cargo shorts, a crew cut, plaid boxers, and the requisite Live Strong bracelet. On the dance floor, she will soulfully lip sync to Lil Wayne and prematurely grab your ass. She actually enjoys missionary.

Can also be found at: The beer pong table

The Starry-Eyed New Girl

Fresh off the boat from the straight side, this girl has absolutely no idea what she’s getting herself into. Though she has “experimented” with girls in the past, she has always envisioned herself ending up with a guy–until now. Excited about no longer having to S anyone’s D or panic about late periods, she embraces the lesbian life with hopeful enthusiasm. She has no idea how to approach women and can often be seen missing her mouth with the bottle of Blue Moon she’s attempting to swig from while checking them out. She is also under the strange, naïve impression that dating women exclusively will make for deep, fulfilling relationships marked by partnership and mutual understanding.

Can also be found at: J.Crew, brunch

The Lesbian Who Hates the Gay Bar

This girl just wants to go home. The only reason she is at the bar is because her friends dragged her there, and all the drunken idiots around her only serve to reinforce the newly-formed conviction that she is never going out again. She can be seen sipping a whiskey soda through pursed lips, adjusting her cardigan, and sighing/rolling her eyes/scoffing at all the debauchery going on. It’s times like these she wishes she were straight – until she realizes that means she would have to be straight, which is too much of a cliché and therefore not worth it. Someone will inevitably spill a drink on her before the night is over.

Can also be found at: Home on her couch with her girlfriend and cats TC mark

image – Chen Zhao

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    • imm

      Oh my God, I want to cry.

      • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

        Me too. Mostly because I fit so perfectly into the Ultra Femme box. Screw. 

    • http://twitter.com/tbarrios47 Tanya Barrios

      loved it!!

    • Menotyou

      I like how it has the pro’s and con’s hahaha

    • MBF

      Frat Boys wouldn’t be caught dead in cargo shorts…. or plaid boxers.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        HA!

    • http://www.facebook.com/katie.n.reed Katie Reed

      So incredibly called out on the “starry-eyed new girl” category ha.

    • Hdjsk

      Frat boy lesbians?? LESBIANSWHOLOOKLIKEJUSTINBIEBER.COM! Actual site.

    • http://twitter.com/c_loan c_loan

      oh this nailed it so hard

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

        “nailed it so hard”

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

        “nailed it so hard”

    • nice girl

      ooh, I want to pile drive the ultra-femme or the lesbian who hates the gay bar.  That sounds fun.

    • Hunter

      Haha. Can be found at: J.Crew, brunch. Looove it!

    • Mgd5017

      what about femmes who like femmes?? there’s such a thing as femme on femme swag.  she’s generally the ‘top of industry, power femme lesbian’…and the only chance for survival for the grown up ‘starry-eyed new girl’.  eat or be eaten. 

      also, the frat boy prototypes really need to be partitioned into ‘hipsters’ and ‘actual athletes’ as they are two very different breeds that mysteriously despise eachother despite their often similar outward appearances. 

    • Mgd5017

      what about femmes who like femmes?? there’s such a thing as femme on femme swag.  she’s generally the ‘top of industry, power femme lesbian’…and the only chance for survival for the grown up ‘starry-eyed new girl’.  eat or be eaten. 

      also, the frat boy prototypes really need to be partitioned into ‘hipsters’ and ‘actual athletes’ as they are two very different breeds that mysteriously despise eachother despite their often similar outward appearances. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/jessi.smith1 Jessi Smith

      My God, “Lesbian Who Hates the Gay Bar” fits me to a T. I actually had “Gay Man Who Hates the Gay Bar” friend who would sit with me at the bar whenever we got dragged out. We would sip our whiskey and Cokes through equally pursed lips and refer to each other as “Jane” and “Diane” (as in Fossey and Goodall).

      • R

        SO funny. Can’t even deal. :D

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      this makes me wanna get my lady makeout on. sigh.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000622984581 Kelsey Holmes

        me too :(

    • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

      this makes me wanna get my lady makeout on. sigh.

    • Alex

      Fun to read, but it’s worrying to realise some people still think swagger=butch=top is a rule rather than an option. 

      • Mila Jaroniec

        It is an option! But if you’re drunk and she’s hot, you sometimes kind of want it to be a rule :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=201002708 Alyssa Johnston

      I… wait what? As an LA lesbian, I have to say these descriptions don’t even properly encompass that scene. Where is this “gay bars nationwide” you speak of?

    • Anonymous
    • Anonymous 1

      1) Blatantly stealing one-liners from people you used to be friends with and irresponsibly summarizing people’s lives into a paragraph doesn’t make someone a good writer.  MAYBE if this were original it would be worth reading.  I see this more as a clever way of summing up the friendships that you have ruthlessly destroyed in an online setting.

      • Mila Jaroniec

        Maybe if you weren’t so uptight, you’d see that it’s supposed to be whimsical. At least I put a name to my thoughts and observations. Who are you, even?

        • Guest

          Sorry …posted on the wrong article.

    • Anonymous
    • Anon

      I’m in college and annoy my housemates by quoting Family Guy. :/

    • Ajames

      This is brilliant and hilarious…I live north of the border in Toronto and I have met all (and maybe been one of) these girls on a Friday night in the Village!!…I got tears in my eyes..from laughing ;)

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