Thought Catalog

10 Things That Happen In A Lesbian Relationship

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If you’re a veteran lesbian, chances are you’ve been in at least one long term relationship with a girl. You may have noticed that it was scary and difficult. However, if you are new to the scene and curious about the future, here is a list of things you can expect to find yourself experiencing once you trap the lady love of your life.

Olympic drinking

Prepare to be constantly tipsy. In your new relationship, you will feel joyously carefree and adopt a devil-may-care attitude, which will make every day with your girlfriend seem like a mini celebration. Going on an autumn walk? Wine in a traveling cup. She just got out of her linguistics final? Shots! You got off work at midnight instead of 2:00 a.m.? A house call with cheap vodka and champagne is in order. You’re so excited to be together you make every day a party, even if it’s a Tuesday afternoon and you have papers to write.

Olympic crying

Get ready for an onslaught of feelings, girls! You will find new and interesting reasons to be emotional, and therefore take crying to new levels. Cry because she’s the one. Cry because you’re not sure she’s the one. Cry because you’re drunk and her smile is so beautiful. Cry because she’s the only person who understands you. Cry because even after four months, she still doesn’t fully understand you. Cry because she’s fucking you too hard but you don’t want to ruin the moment. Cry because she’s crying. Really, the possibilities are endless.

Severe REM loss

Face it – once you get into a serious lesbian relationship, you will never sleep again. The hours you used to spend sleeping will suddenly be filled with one or more of these: passionate sex, mechanical sex, drunk sex, half-assed sex, angry sex, or a screaming fight about not having sex, followed by pity sex and a faked orgasm (which you don’t normally do, but damn it, you’re really tired).

Expansion

Of the horizontal variety. In a relationship, it is almost guaranteed that you will get fat and happy. You will lie contentedly in her arms on your plush couch among your eclectic throw pillows and reflect on how lucky you are. You will order in and eat out. In a spirit of domestic goddess-osity, you will attempt to cook dinner from scratch, which will of course result in half the kitchen on fire and subsequent takeout from the Chinese bistro down the street. You won’t mind. You’re in love.

BBS (Broke Bitch Syndrome)

Enjoy your savings now, because once you get a girlfriend, they will disappear. Bar tabs, vacations, birthday/Christmas/anniversary/Fourth of July presents, decadent seven-course dinners, her car payment, that $245 pair of jeans you impulsively bought because they looked cute on her and she needed cheering up, etc. will chew up and spit out your bank account. You will need to apply for a new credit card just to be able to afford Valentine’s Day.

DSAS (Different-Sized Arms Syndrome)

Look, at some point you are going to have to finger-bang your girlfriend. And unless you’re perfectly ambidextrous (or at least ambi-competent), you’re going to be using your dominant hand. Hours of finger-banging will cause your tendons to become extremely flexible and your forearm to exhibit muscle tone you never thought possible. Plus, if she likes it rough, you’ll also develop quite an impressive bicep. Of course, after you break up you’ll start lifting regularly to even out your two different arms, but one will always be slightly larger. Damn it.

Mobile phone aerodynamics

It is also likely that, at some point, you will get out-of-proportion upset over a passive-aggressive text or short, stroppy phone call, and in a flash of rage you’ll decide you’re done with her shit and hurl the phone across the room, at the ceiling, or into moving traffic. You will later send her a Facebook message telling her that you lost your phone, you’re sorry for ignoring her calls, and you’ll be home for dinner.

Chronic worrying

Your laid-back nature will suddenly give way to irrational paranoia and gnawing self-doubt. You will begin to worry constantly, about everything: what she’s doing when she doesn’t answer your texts (even though you know she’s in for the night), what she meant when she said “I really need to concentrate on my work right now,” and why it’s 2:30 a.m. and she isn’t back from that “talk” with her ex yet. You will question everything – yourself, your relationship, your life choices, whether you’re even gay – and freak out accordingly

Chronic apologizing

In addition to worrying about everything, you will start apologizing for everything. Or, alternately, you will never apologize, and be the one to stomp off in a huff in the middle of an argument even when you’re wrong.

Invincibility

When you’re in love, you’re invincible. Nothing can touch you. The world can go to hell in a hand basket; you share a heartbeat and that’s all that matters. There’s nothing to worry about anymore – you’re safe. You’re warm. Protected. You’ve made a home in each other’s arms and hearts and you’re facing the future fearlessly, together, head-on. That is, of course, until she finds an unread message with one too many smiley faces in your inbox from some hot girl. Suddenly, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do. TC mark

image – Made Underground
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  • Julia Kath

    hahaha DSAS

  • Megan Do

    Oh… well, yeah this was pretty spot on. 

  • Captain Obvious

    Yep x 10. Finally some more lesbian representation on TC! 

  • Merr

    so…lesbian relationships are the same as heterosexual relationships…?

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Sounds like it to me!

  • Pinkiztha_xoxo@yahoo.com

    I hope TC produce more lesbian thingy articles.

    Thumbs up for this :) smiley face

    • Diana

      agreed!

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Even as a straight chick I can appreciate this piece. Really, hysterically well-done.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    “Mobile phone aerodynamics”
    i died.

  • Brandon h

    I love the DSAS, although as a gay man I have no idea what you mean by finger banging. 

    No idea whatsoever, lalalalala, not listening, lalalala

    Seriously though, great article, much of it pretty universal. 

  • Lesbian

    I really do appreciate the fact that this is an article about lesbians, but I just wish this was better. All of these aspects could very well happen in any relationship–gay or straight. Personally, I think someone needs to write an article on lesbian sex–because that shit is the best/strictly pertains to lesbians.

    • Mila Jaroniec

      Don’t worry, that one’s coming up!

      • Lesbian

        The lesbian race is counting on you, Mila Jaroniec. Thank you.

    • ravi

      i want to love, fuck ur pussy drar

  • Non-Angry, Maybe Lesbian

    I hate/love how true this is…as I appreciate how my right forearm flexes infinitely more than my left as I type this.

  • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier

    oh man…the severe REM loss….so many mornings falling asleep in meetings.

  • Kaagers

    “You will order in and eat out”This.

  • Mars

    Great job, miss ex-girlfriendo ;P
    The way you put shit is still priceless

  • http://heyweeqender.com/ Weeqender

    Hilarious and accurate!

  • http://heyweeqender.com/ Weeqender

    Hilarious and accurate!

  • irishlightning

    The a good part of this is untrue (like two sections are). Completely stereotypical and gives lesbian relationships a bad name. Not all lesbians are drunk, sex-driven, robots?

    • Atoosaa

      I agree with you. This article doesn´t do any good to lesbians .  Reading things like this make me kind of sad.

  • Elle

    *died* This article could not be any more accurate. Btw, I recently got a new phone…LOL.

  • Reallove1478

    The real sad part is that it’s too true… But they left out a lot because this sounds like some fairytales…

  • Ramesh K, Sujanani

    What happens if you meet a lady, you are attracted to, and you find that she has a lesbian relationship, something you could not know before.
    Can you recover her from her present entanglements, slowly of course.

  • shy one

    I’m a straight woman and lately I have been attracted to woman I have never been with one but i
    It seems exciting

  • Java

    How is this accurate? All the relationships I’ve had don’t even come close to this (and my long term one is very fulfilling without all this needless drama.) It makes us sound like we’re drunk 24/7. Grow up. This sounds like a high-schooler’s ideal college life. It’s more 18 year old boy than dedicated lesbian.

  • Marina

    Wow so true ..good job u have me thinking now lol

  • Aria

    this is high-larious.. yes i do know a lot of fat lesbos..

  • MO the lesbian

    hahhahahha thefinger bunging bit so rill…am experiencing

  • http://yahoo.com amor

    sometimes some of that is true but what is more important there is your love for one another. as long as you respect each other.the loyalty and the contentment is there.no relationship is perfect it only last long because you both work hard for it to work.but what is most important is you love your partner like you love yourself…

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