Waiting, that is all I am doing, is waiting for that text message that always comes. Give it three months of not talking; it will happen. It never fails.
What’s going to happen when your name flashes across my screen? Well one, I am going to read it. I always do. I always will.
But this time, this time I will not respond. I have no reason to. I know if I do I will get sucked back into that abyss of pain and heartbreak. I will not let you pull me back into that one thing that destroyed me, your love. If that is what you want to call it.
Love isn’t supposed to destroy the very being you are. It is supposed to cherish, nurture, and support you.
Not cut at your skin a little at a time until there is nothing but this light pink layer barley keeping your blood where it belongs. I won’t be that person anymore. I have fallen enough times when it comes to you. Don’t get me wrong. I will always care about you in some sort of fashion. However, I need to care more about myself.
I have to start taking care of who I am without you keeping your finger in the place where I tie the knot.
That hold you think you have over me because I have let you come back before is nonexistent. Granted I did have to force that door shut with a crowbar and weld it closed so I know I can’t open that part of myself again. In order for you to finally realize I am no longer your go to when life seems to be slipping downhill…again. It had to happen. I can’t, no I won’t be that person for you anymore. As much as I have given to you in the past of who I am, I have nothing left to give. You took all I had to offer and used it for a dirt rug.
Now you have to live with the reality that you may have well possibly lost the one true thing in your life. The mistake was yours and not mine. At least I can say I tried. I am perfectly content not trying anymore.
I can honestly say that when I think of you I no longer get that sharp pain in my chest. It’s gone. When your name crosses my mind and your face behind my eyes I am starting to see nothing but a distant memory of what we were. Soon enough it will be so far away that I have forgotten the things we use to do together that meant the world to me. I honestly cannot wait for that day to come. Because on that day I can say I am finally free of all that I have bottled up until it was my breaking point.
I still wish you the best in what you are searching for and I hope you do find it. But I am at that point in time to where I no longer really care if you get what you have been going after all these years, and I will no longer be hear waiting for you to find yourself in all the things that don’t really matter to me anymore.
My focus is me and me alone.