What Would Your Facebook Look Like If Everyone’s Status Updates Were Honest?


My Facebook newsfeed has become quite the melting pot of stupidity, misguidedness, self-praise and ignorance.  From the paranoid conservative whackjobs to the trashy people who haven’t found purpose in life yet, these folks make sure I’ll either be blissfully entertained or at a loss for hope.

I decided to take it upon myself to make some statuses in the fashion of many folks on my Facebook friends list.  This may hit close to home for a lot of you and your late-night Facebook scrolling adventures.

Here’s an inspirational quote.  I deliver pizza and abuse narcotics but what this guy said might galvanize you.


Dis bitch trippin.  I took da ho to Applebee’s and even got her da mozz sticks as a appetizer, but she ain’t even let me get sum head.  I was raised in a wealthy suburban home but I make da conscious decision to speak like dis online.


Going to the bar!  Yes I did in fact go there the past 4 nights and post about it.  Admittedly, I haven’t really found any meaning in life so I go out and get drunk a lot!


Who hirin’?  I’m aware I have access to the internet which is the ultimate tool to find employment, but I feel as though inquiring on Facebook could definitely be the route to landing my dream job. 


Here’s another daily selfie of me!  Ignore my cleavage, I mean don’t please!  Give me some of that attention stuff I love so much.  Where are the white guys with goatees at? 


Gonna pop out another baby.  My boo unloads boxes at a warehouse and I don’t have a job.  I can’t financially support yet another human life but I HATE prophylactics! 


Hookah bar swag!!!  I don’t have myself or this life thing figured out yet.


I have a cellphone which can be used to contact the specific people I spend time with but WHO WANTS TO HANGOUT! 


Everything sucks!  All things are terrible.  I find reason to complain about anything.  I’m a negative and toxic dirtball here to bring you all down.


Wassup it’s the suburban-raised whiteboy again.  Here are some Chief Keef lyrics that totally relate to my life. 


I’m middle-aged and trying to stay current with the social networking scene.  Here’s an article from my local news about a child dying for all of you to enjoy. 


My new diet and workout plan is awesome.  You guys might already know this considering I talk about it via all social networking apps on a daily basis. 


Just got this fuckin’ job, THIS fuckin’ award and a nice ass pair of shoes.  How badly do you pieces of shit envy me? 


SPORTS.  They make up my entire personality.  Sports.


Ugh, why can’t I find someone to love me?!  Could it possibly be because I force my desperation and off-putting demeanor onto the general public?  


I may not be a famous athlete, musical artist or celebrity but FUCK my haters!!!  Keep hating because it motivates me to continue mentally living in high school. 


Going to raves is my lifestyle.  I love getting drugged out and twitching to EDM.  It has literally become the most important thing about me. 


I’m BORED.  Hopefully posting this doesn’t make the busy people doing meaningful things with their lives feel stressed and shitty.


I’m living lavishly.  Look at these material things and all the exotic shit I partake in.  You too can live this way if you give me your money!!!  Stop hating and saying this is all a pyramid scheme.  Would my horrific Gucci loafers and rented BMW lie to you? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Michael Gursky

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