10 Signs You’ve Found The Ideal Boyfriend

Everyone and their diabetic grandmother has a “how to identify the ideal boyfriend” guide.  Disregard all of them.  What I’m about to provide you is the go-to list for locating the best boyfriend-material qualities in a fella.  If a man has most of these qualities, you better make him hubby this instant, girl!

1.  He wears sneakers, but not ALL the time.  Sneakers are solid ass footwear.  They let you know a guy walks places; maybe even runs!  Mobility is sexy.  Sneakers at all times, though?  No thanks bud.  Switch it up to a boot or dressier shoe every now and then.  Nobody wants to date a little league coach.

2.  He treats you with respect.  Do you want to be referred to as a “hole” or “pleasure palace?”  Probably not.  I bet you don’t wanna get choked out over poorly prepared lasagna either.  Guys who don’t treat you like sexual toys and punching bags are alluring.

3.  He bathes.  You ever been with a guy who doesn’t shower?  Gross, right?!  No girl deserves to be with a guy who smells like the dumpster behind Denny’s after closing.  Hair with enough grease to fix a rickety gate is absolutely not boyfriend quality!

4.  He doesn’t have sex with a lot of sluts.  Quite a few concerns here.  A guy who pipes down a large quantity of “thots” could be a womanizer, or possibly have a bumpy, green dick!  Yikes!  Gentlemen who don’t pork a laundry list of slutbags are good.

5.  He has a job.  Poor guys?  Yuck!  You deserve to be treated like a princess, and some broke ass government leech can’t provide for you.  Haven’t you ever listened to the musical stylings of TLC?

6.  He’s not a gangbanger, Klan member or part of a similar hate group.  This one brings back hurtful memories of falling for a skinhead Neo-Nazi.  They don’t make good boyfriends, straight up.  Boys who aren’t gang-affiliated or members of hate groups are generally always nice.

7.  He hasn’t murdered before.  There’s something seductive about a bad boy, but former serial killer?  Little too much baggage.

8.  He has a big thing and knows how to use it.  Amen to this one.  If you don’t follow me, I’m referring to men’s penises!!!   No lady wants to be with a one-pump chump who’s hung like a silverback gorilla, Randy.

9.  He doesn’t hide dead rodents under his bed.  Big red flag.  Men who don’t practice this disturbing hobby are golden.  I wish I had been aware of this before that sick fucker Randy swept me off my feet somehow.

10. He doesn’t refer to your mother as “fat bitch” or try to beat up your dad. Screw you Randy!!! You ruined Arbor Day for all of us! It’s a good thing you’re locked up otherwise I’d kill your unemployed skinhead ass! I hope you’re at least bathing in the pen because nobody in their right mind would rape you and your strange cock. I’m NOT a pleasure palace. I’m a beautiful lady who deserves to be treated like one! I can only hope they bring back the chair for you and your horrendous Sketchers Shape-Ups!! Also my lasagna is delicious, you shitbag.