Thought Catalog

10 Things I’ve Learned Losing Someone I Never Really Had

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Jon Canellis

How does it feel to lose someone you never had as compared to losing someone you really had? It’s the same.

1. It was a breakup.

I’ll be honest, we never really dated, we were never together, we just hang out with each other and our friends. But for reasons, I do not know why we talked to each other 24/7. We fell asleep and woke up to each other’s text messages, every single day. We told each other what’s happening with our lives–in detail. We felt entitled to each other. I was the key person our friends would ask about him–where he was if he was awake or asleep, and vice versa. But we weren’t in a relationship. But even so, when we went separate ways, it hurt like a breakup–because it was a breakup.

Break ups don’t just happen with boyfriends or girlfriends, it happens with two people in a relationship. Maybe we weren’t really in a relationship physically but emotionally, mentally and socially.

2. Blaming myself was not at all helpful.

When we lose someone, we tend to self-pity and ask “what have I done wrong?”, “what is wrong with me?”, etc.

Why? Because it’s the easiest thing for us to do.

I blamed myself too much but in the end, I realized it didn’t help me. I just pitied myself and got lost in sad thoughts that were not supposed to be there in the first place. Sure, I could’ve done things differently but that didn’t mean the outcome wouldn’t be different.

3. It was hard to start all over again–again.

I was in a two-year relationship with someone and we broke up after our college graduation. It was hard to start over because I was used to his everyday presence. But I somehow managed to easily move on because I already focused on my career.

But this time, it is different.

Because I needed to start over again, AGAIN. I needed to go back and follow the steps I followed when I was moving on with my ex-boyfriend, or maybe not. Maybe the steps were different.

A real relationship wasn’t built, but the attachment was affection was, feelings were. It’s hard to say goodbye to things you used to do or receive. And even harder to say hello to things anew.

4. The best thing about life is that it goes on.

Shit really happens and we make mistakes. In the end, life just goes on. We need to pick up our broken pieces together and start moving forward.

5. The 5 Stages of Grief (although I call it 5 stages of moving on) which means Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

These usually happen chronologically. But not to me, one moment I was angry, the next moment I’m again in denial, the next moment I break down and drown myself to my depression. It was only now that I realized that Acceptance, of course, comes last, but what happens before it can vary, or even go back and forth. Sometimes I thought I was already okay, the next day I will deny to myself again that it’s actually over.

6. It is wrong to think that you will never fall in love again.

Yes, you were hurt, but that doesn’t mean that the next relationship you will have will hurt you again. If you ever think about that then keep this in mind:

Do. Not. Be. Afraid. To. Fall. In. Love. Once. Again.

Why? Because love always comes with risk. How will you ever know if you’ll end up with someone if you won’t at least try to take a step?

7. No amount of my time was actually wasted.

You meet a person in your life and invest so much time in them that when they left, you felt that you wasted too much time. But guess what? It’s not always that way. Yes, I may have given him a lot of my time but that I do not regret any minute of it because it taught me a lot of things in the end. Who else can teach us better other than our own experiences, whether good or bad, right?

8. I am never alone.

Breakups, heartbreak, it happens to everyone, not just to me, nor to you. But one thing I realized is that I am not alone in this battle. I have my family and friends beside me to give comfort. If you’re going through this sad moment in your life, remember that this is the best way for you to keep in touch with your circle. If you became distant with your parents, this is the best time to reconnect with them.

9. Enjoyment is not always partying.

In the process of moving on, we sometimes think it is okay to drink and waste yourself because you are just enjoying life. Many times I was tempted to go to parties and waste the night. But I realize that enjoyment is not just found in alcoholic drinks, it is also found in books, in music, in movies, in deep conversations, and in other things that we are taking for granted.

10. Only God can heal broken heart.

True acceptance is finally realizing that you can’t do it on your own, but with the help of the Healer of all hearts. It was when I surrendered to Him all the burden I was carrying that I finally had peace in my heart. I no longer fear what tomorrow holds. TC mark

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