Over the course of eight months, I constantly tried to figure out how to get this one guy to see me as someone he genuinely wanted. It wasn’t like I was going after him from afar. After all, we’re pretty close friends for that matter but that’s as good as it gets. Before I start blabbering about how great of a guy he is (because trust me, he really is), let me just say that I believed he was enough for me.
As I think back to all the chances I had taken just to spend time with him, I realized that I don’t long for those moments anymore. Something significant hit me one day as I was reading a book one afternoon, and that was:
I was settling.
Yes, he was (almost) everything I wanted in a guy, but I had chosen him for the sole reason that he was the only one I thought was in sight. I didn’t exactly shut everyone out who showed interest, I just focused on pursuing the wrong things. I didn’t explore other options and I didn’t think of all the other people I would meet along the way. I would ask myself, “why are you investing time in someone who doesn’t think you’re good enough?”
I’m thankful that it took his lack of interest (it’s not as bad as it sounds) for me to know what I deserve.
After months of anticipating texts, messages, and even mere notifications from him, after trying to impress him day after day by putting on the best clothes I had and making time to groom myself extra early in the morning, after grabbing every opportunity to talk to him and spend time with him even though she’s all he talks about, after trying to decipher all the actions and mixed signals he sent my way, and after trying my absolute hardest to push all the impossible scenarios and thoughts out of my head, I realized I got tired.
I was stubborn when people told me I deserved better because I still had hope, but I guess I learned the hard way.
They say it takes time to move on, and I never really believed in that. I always thought that the only way to get over someone was to get under someone else, leaving no time to recover and all the time to start anew. But now, I completely understand how time is such a vital component in getting on with our lives.
Let me tell you that it isn’t easy. One day you’ll think your feelings have gone, but time and time again they will resurface and that’s perfectly normal.
I still have a long way to go in terms of discovering myself and knowing what I want in life. I realized that the standards I set are something I shouldn’t cast aside. I know my worth, I know what I deserve, and I won’t settle for anything less. I learned to accept that and take everything in stride. I am more than enough. I just need the right pair of eyes to see that.