When you hear about men who objectify women, you think of obvious scumbags such as Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, and Chris Brown. But the womanizers of the world seem to be getting trickier, with slicker moves and smoother compliments, because now they come in handsome and charming forms such as John Mayer.
What does it mean to be objectified? It means this person does not see you as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but instead as an object that caters to his or her desires.
Imagine your favorite pair of shoes. You like how they look as well as how they make you look, so you strap them on whenever you feel like it. You don’t ever look at the shoes and wonder how they feel about you putting them on and dancing at the dirty club all night, because shoes are just objects that cater to your needs.
When you are being objectified, you are those shoes.
With that being said, here are five traits I observed in a man that objectified me:
1. He will be charming, but not genuine.
This kind of man is very enchanting, so he will charm you into believing he actually has feelings for you. He will make sure to compliment you all the time, and not in a slimy way that makes it obvious how bad he wants to sleep with you. No, his compliments will be endearing and flattering as all hell. And you won’t mind until you realize they are always based purely on your looks.
In my experience, this man would tell me I was beautiful and looked good in whatever I was wearing. Don’t get me wrong, I liked hearing those things (because who doesn’t like hearing how hot they are?), but after a while I wanted more. I wanted him to hear what I was saying and compliment me on my thoughts, not my body. Sometimes, he would even get tricky and actually just compliment himself. I noticed this when he looked at me and said, “How did I get so lucky?,” which was not a compliment to me, but just a pat on the back to himself for landing such a hot item.
2. The entire relationship will be based on him.
This womanizer sees you for how to react to him, which makes everything in the relationship actually about him. Your conversations will center on his friends, his family, and his future goals until you eventually realize that he knows nothing about you. This man does not care about your personal life. He may ask you questions about yourself, but every conversation will ultimately relate back to him. You are not a person to him, remember?
When I was dating such a man, I knew everything about his family. I could tell you every little thing he did for his job, and more. Meanwhile he knew diddlysquat about me. The only subjects we spoke about that had to do with me were things that somehow affected him, such as me moving into a new apartment. That was a common conversation between us, because he was interested in exploring a new city. However, when I sent him a long text venting about the struggle of finding a new bed, his only response was, “Just make sure it’s big enough for me.”
3. The bedroom will revolve around him.
You will never hear this man ask you what you like in bed. Since you are an object, you are in bed with him to make him feel good. He does not care what you like because he just needs to get where he needs to go. Foreplay is minimal, unless it involves you pleasuring him, in which case it will go on all night with no reciprocity.
In my experience, I honestly do not know why I continued to get in bed with a man that did not care about my needs. He was controlling with no sense of my body and no intention of learning it. When you are your only focus and women are there to just make you feel good, pleasing anyone but yourself is not a thought that crosses your mind.
4. Conversations will be one-sided and not stimulating.
When you are in a relationship with someone, you want to connect with them over mutual interests, hobbies, and thoughts. But since everything is so one-sided in this relationship, it is hard to build real conversations together. Most things you say will not actually be heard, especially if he cannot relate them to himself.
When I was with such a man, his lack of interest in my world made me feel small and insignificant. I knew whatever I said would somehow relate back to his world or, if it did not relate to him, he would have no reaction. Near the end, I would just nod, smile, and shake my head as he talked about himself and his life and whatever he found interesting. And afterward, he would give me a great big hug and tell me he had a great time.
5. He is probably treating a lot of other women the same way.
Maybe you are exclusively together or maybe you are not, but I can assure you that a man who objectifies you is not just doing it to one woman.
This man sees women as objects, and objects don’t have feelings. Understand this: You are replaceable to someone that is objectifying you. Nothing about your relationship is unique, because he treats all women the same. Therefore, he will find other pretty girls that he can give vapid compliments to and have selfish sex with. Hurting your feelings has no effect on him.
Foolishly, I did not think about this aspect. Since he was so charming, it was hard to see the scumbag of a man he really was. Instead, I learned the hard way that I was just another item in his collection of, to quote him, “young and dumb women.”
A man who objectifies a woman is a small person who is three parts narcissist and one part sociopath. If my experience sounds eerily familiar, know that you deserve so much better. You are a human being with feelings and a genuine personality and you deserve to be treated as such. Stand up for yourself and do not let such a person take advantage of your kind heart. You cannot change him, so don’t even try. Your best bet is to let him go, move on, and find someone that treats you right.
Or you could wait until he pushes you to the edge and you kick him out of your house in the middle of the night with no way of getting home. That was my approach, and I have to say it was pretty satisfying.