35 Things I Definitely Didn’t Think I’d Be Doing At 35
Bothering to weigh the disadvantages of waking up hungover against getting totally wasted before accepting that one last tequila shot. And (usually) making the responsible choice.
1. Relying on my 22-year-old coworker for tv watching tips.
2. And help decoding Internet acronyms.
3. Stalking my 22-year-old coworker’s Facebook page from bed every night like she’s Kim Kardashian or something.
4. Marveling at the fact that my 22-year-old coworker has so many parties to go to every single weekend.
5. Secretly pitying my 22-year-old coworker for socializing so much.
6. Actually bothering to weigh the disadvantages of waking up hungover against getting wasted before accepting that one last tequila shot.
7. And (usually) making the responsible choice.
8. Getting peer pressured into taking one last tequila shot but carefully swallowing only the tiniest sip before covertly dumping the rest right onto the floor.
9. Waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings at 7am like it’s nbd.
10. Not getting along with my mom. Still.
11. Eating healthy pretty much always because even one “cheat day” throws me off balance.
12. Weighing myself almost daily and being extremely bothered if I put on a pound or two—cause that shit sticks.
13. Exchanging recipes with friends instead of planning where and when to get drunk.
14. Proactively monitoring my skin like it could break out at any single moment.
15. Shelling out for expensive skincare products because that shit’s officially a priority.
16. Finally understanding why being a super tan teenager all summer long was a terrible idea.
17. Actually discussing the prospect of Botox with friends.
18. Learning that several of my friends have already been getting “preventative” Botox for years now.
19. Knowing several people who are divorced.
20. Or in terrible marriages that they hashtag beautifully regardless.
21. Saying things like “no phones at the dinner table!” to my bf like I’m a mom or something.
22. Eating leftovers. And liking it.
23. Handling lack of wifi with as much grace and composure as Donald Trump approaches a Twitter feud.
24. Taking superfluous selfies.
25. Getting nostalgic over episodes of Friends, SATC, and Gilmore Girls.
26. Feeling so much more mature and together than the characters on GIRLS. Sort of.
27. Wondering what the hell happened to James Van Der Beek (aka Dawson from Dawson’s Creek).
28. Being way too scared to watch American Horror Story.
29. Googling “how to send a giphy in Slack” every single time I want to send a giphy in a Slack because I’m too embarrassed to ask my 22-year-old coworker how to do it. Again.
30. Scheduling routine doctor’s appointments in a timely fashion—out of pure unadulterated fear.
31. Asking medical and dental professionals lots of questions instead of just going through the motions and getting the hell outta there.
32. Seriously pondering the prospect of dementia.
33. Formulating my personal stance on euthanasia.
34. Contemplating the reality that I might just be middle-aged already since I could totally die at 70.
35. Writing listicles for the Internet. And loving it. 