1. They can detect the difference between the scent of cleanliness and that of filth masked by Febreze within seconds, so don’t try to fool them with a few quick squirts of some over-the-counter air freshener.
2. You’ll probably receive more than one over-priced scented candle as a gift for no special occasion.
3. They’d rather stab their eyes with sharp pins than hook up with someone who lets grime accumulate beneath the tips of their fingernails. In their view, owning a proper manicure kit is absolutely necessary for both men and women
4. Showering regularly is non-negotiable.
5. Those old sweats you just love to lounge around in might be kind of cute and borderline tolerable, but they definitely won’t get you laid later.
6. They will happily volunteer to load the dishwasher or wash the dishes after every meal—not because they’re feeling generous, but because the sight of a pile of dirty dishes makes them want to vomit their last meal.
7. Consider the day they start sponging the goo off your ketchup, mustard, or hot sauce a sign of serious progress. If they feel comfortable enough cleaning condiment bottles in front of you, things are heating up.
8. Once they start showering at your place, your bathroom will transform into a far better organized space. The products in your medicine cabinet will suddenly be categorized (meds, lotions, hair products, miscellaneous, etc.) and there will ALWAYS be a backup of key toiletries tucked away somewhere convenient.
9. If they pass on the opportunity to bathe at your place without explanation, it’s probably because there’s too much residue on your shower curtain or soap scum between your tiles for them to lather up without experiencing serious anxiety.
10. They’ll offer to take out your garbage and recycling regularly because they’d much rather deal with the dirty bags for a few minutes than fall asleep in proximity to a tiny landfill.
11. They do NOT take cockroaches or any species of rodent lightly. And neither should you.
12. They’ll be unable to sit down and watch a movie until everything is in order in the surrounding area.
13. They believe every object has “a home” where it belongs, naturally, and feels happiest.
14. They really don’t understand the point of keeping outdated magazines and newspapers around. Why invite additional clutter?
15. They’ll gently suggest a day of purging old stuff because they secretly consider you a hoarder and they’re desperate to help you get rid of at least 25 percent of your belongings.
16. If you don’t make your bed every single morning, you’re definitely not in the running for serious life partner but you might do for a casual fling.
17. Telling them to “relax a little” and let a mess be is perhaps the most offensive thing you can say to them.
18. Their closet is probably color coordinated, shelves and racks reminiscent of a luxury boutique. Soon, yours might be too.
19. If they like you enough, they’ll start refolding your t-shirts on the sly, then tackle the entire organizational structure of your wardrobe if it’s not up to their neatness standards.
20. Breakfast in bed is a cute idea, but no thank you.
21. Owning a pet usually counts against you, unless it’s contained within an aquarium and doesn’t poop or shed.
22. They don’t need to be praised constantly for their efforts because they know very well that they tidy up mostly for themselves, but a little thank you once in a while would be nice.
23. You’ll never have any idea how much cleaning goes on behind the scenes.