1. Throw darts at (a printout of) their face.
Printing giant posters is relatively inexpensive and easy to do these days. The idea of throwing darts at your ex’s face might seem very 1980s, but it will prove beautifully therapeutic in an analog way.
2. Punch something really hard.
Maybe you didn’t have the forethought to order a printout of your ex’s face in anticipation of the moment you’d want to throw sharp objects at it, and you don’t live close to a Kinkos nor have the patience to wait for a printout to arrive by mail. The next best thing is to use your imagination. Envision your ex’s face on the surface of your pillow and punch the fuck out of
3. Get drunk with someone you trust enough to stop you from doing something stupid.
Invite a good friend over and drink your faces off together. Getting wasted can be a great way to forget about all the pressing issues clouding your mind, like what your ex is up to RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. Just be sure to get drunk with a friend whose sensible and stern enough to prevent you from scratching the drunken itch to reach out to your ex, which would be even worse than cyberstalking them.
4. Text your best friend to say anything.
Tell them a terrible joke or compile a series of random emojis or admit that you’re texting them just to stop yourself from cyberstalking your ex. Your number one pal should respect and appreciate the reality that you blatantly use them on occasion.
5. Call your mom or dad.
Your parents love you unconditionally, and nothing sates the thirst for information about your ex like a vocal reminder that you are loved regardless of whom you date, and that you absolutely do not need that other person in your life to feel fulfilled.
6. Play a game on your phone or computer.
Games are fun, even the solitary kind and the kind played against borderline creepy Internet acquaintances. By the time you’re done challenging yourself in a spirited round of Candy Crush, online Chess, or good old fashioned solitaire, you won’t even remember your initial reason for logging onto your electronic device.
7. Distract your fingers and hands.
If you can’t seem to redirect your thoughts, the next best thing is to occupy your digits in hopes that your brain will soon follow their lead. Luckily, there are a lot of ways to do this. You can squeeze stress balls, cook something that requires getting your hands all sticky, or teach yourself how to do origami or knit through an online tutorial.
8. Power pose your heart out.
When Harvard University’s Amy Cuddy set out to explore the science of power posing, her intent was definitely not to help people tackle the post breakup blues. She was more concerned with empowering people professionally through mastery of body language cues, but whatever. The beauty of power posing is that it actually works. So stand tall, punch the air a few times like a boxing champion, spread your wings as wide as possible, place your arms on your hips with determination, or kick your legs up a la Obama while leaning back in your desk chair. You’ll be feeling awesomer and in control in no time.
9. Watch a revenge themed movie.
Sometimes, vicarious revenge is just as good as the real thing. Plus, a good film is a great form of escapism. So stream Kill Bill, The Girl With The Dragoon Tattoo, Memento, or Inglorious Bastards stat to get your mind off your old boyfriend. The urge to stalk him online will fade fast.
10. Take a walk—without your phone.
It’s tough, I know. But leaving your phone behind will free you from the urge to cyberstalk entirely. Actually, it will just rob you of the ability to cyberstalk. Sometimes, drastic measures are necessary. An added benefit of going phoneless is that doing so will force you to tackle the world without leaning on technology for guidance, which will make you feel super resourceful and boost your self-confidence. Go you!
11. Work out really hard.
When you’re struggling to quiet your Google flexer, pushing your body’s limits at the gym is a good idea for several reasons. Sprinting on the treadmill as fast as possible and lifting more weight than usual are both forms of physical venting, which allows you to heal without articulating your frustrations. Plus, exercising leads to the release of happy making endorphins. As you work out, you’re also bound to remember that you’re a hot piece of ass who will soon land a new partner (assuming you haven’t already) and start having way better sex than you ever did with the old guy.
12. Vent anonymously in an online forum.
If you’re friends are busy and/or bored of your sob story and you don’t feel like writing in your journal because you crave at least an emoji in response to your big questions and totally valid complaints, you might as well tap the Internet for support. Sure, it’s a bit risky to put yourself in the position to open a new tab in your browser and let your inner stalker go wild simultaneously, but with a dose of discipline you can get what you need and keep yourself busy trash talking your ex (anonymously of course) by joining or starting a chat thread entitled something like “Why My Ex Needs To Eat Shit And Die.”