The other night my boyfriend and I were sitting side-by-side on the couch, playing with our favorite fart apps (I prefer Fart Sound Board while he’s partial to Whoopee Cushion), when I realized just how awesomely boring our lives had become. To be clear, when we hang out just the two of us we’re almost always having fun. From an outsider’s perspective, however, I’m sure our typical fun looks pretty dull.
I am not sappy by nature. In fact, I tend to take a pretty realistic view of romantic relationships, especially when it comes to the challenge of staying faithful. But I am definitely in love, and my life has changed as a result. For one thing, I’m no longer out late at night dry humping strangers. (But for the sake of a story, of course!) Additionally, I wear flats a lot more often than I used to, and I have a harder time answering the question “what’s new?” without referencing a recipe, or whatever book I’m reading. My life is relatively uneventful (for the most part), and yet, I couldn’t be happier.
Maybe it’s that lovers are constantly drunk on oxytocin, so they don’t need to tap the sources of excitement and pleasure they once sought while single. Or maybe we’re all just lazy at heart. Whatever the case, making it to the awesomely comfortable, beautifully boring stage of love is something to celebrate, even if you do so by feeding your pajama clad partner handfuls of microwaved popcorn while binge watching HBO. Below are 20 signs you’ve reached this critical point as a couple.
- You have a code word or phrase (e.g. “Uncle Lou…”) that means “let’s get the fuck out of here” for use at social gatherings.
- You have another code word or phrase (e.g. “Have you seen the latest pictures of the royal baby?”) that means, “If you don’t save me from talking to this person for one more painful minute, I won’t sleep with you later.”
- You’ve left countless parties prematurely—usually without saying good-bye to anyone—to do stupid, weird, drunk things as a duo at home.
- Watching a highly anticipated movie or a badass TV show without your partner feels like a serious betrayal. If you do cheat, it’s understood that you will re-watch the episode or film in question without divulging any of the plot by failing to act as surprised/confused/angry/sad/enlightened as a first-time viewer would during key scenes.
- Before sharing a funny or interesting article via social media, you shoot your partner an email with the link, plus any politically incorrect thoughts you have to refrain from sharing publicly, lest the rest of the world figure out who you really are.
- You Tweet at each other from within the same room, realizing this is a wholly obnoxious thing to do.
- You take an unexplained amount of joy in playing “house,” whether you’re folding laundry, purchasing toilet paper, or preparing a meal (even if it requires peeling the papery, adhesive skin off of several garlic cloves).
- With the addition of a special stripping statute, any two-person game (gin, spit, Scrabble, backgammon) qualifies as awesome entertainment.
- You spend a serious amount of mental energy trying to out-prank each other.
- Your loves notes are so cheesy they would make you cringe if anyone else had written them.
- Reading aloud to each other doesn’t feel ridiculous.
- You apologize to each other for the slightest mishaps, like misplacing the cap to the Listerine bottle, or stacking glasses incorrectly in the cupboard.
- You secretly rejoice when plans with friends fall through so you can stay in together—again.
- Neither of you is anyone’s go-to call for a drink on a random evening at 10pm.
- On nights spent apart, you sleep in their spot, on their pillow, wearing their old t-shirt.
- You no longer fear your partner will judge the ripe, “morning” version of you, smeared mascara remnants, dreadlocked armpit hair, stinky breath and all.
- You have at least one embarrassing pet name for each other.
- You’ve also named a few of each other’s body parts.
- You believe in the value of small kindnesses over grand gestures. For instance, doing someone’s share of the household chores without complaint when they’re super busy at work, or sitting through an episode of What’s My Car Worth even though auto-envy is totally foreign to you.
- To avoid projectile vomiting, you pretend you’ve never had sex with anyone but each other, even if doing so requires the complete suspension of disbelief since you were both notoriously promiscuous before getting together.