Not even the least sexually inhibited are immune to awkward moments between the sheets. The reason for this, I believe, is twofold.
First, we’re all susceptible to the involuntary nature of bodily functions. Second, since a lot of us tend to engage in sexual play early on in the dating process—sometimes outside any semblance of a relationship, with a hookup buddy or a one-night-stand—we often end up stark naked with relative strangers. Even if you possess the self-restraint to wait until the designated third dinner date to give it up, there’s only so much knowledge you can garner over the course of a few (probably boozy) shared meals. Since we’re all guilty of curating our online personas into Herculean versions of our true selves, whatever’s gathered through cyberstalking in between obviously needs to be discounted [http://thoughtcatalog.com/melanie-berliet/2013/10/in-defense-of-cyberstalking-your-boyfriends-ex/].
Let’s face it: We barely know a lot of the people we bed. And while a fart in front of a long-term partner is just the routine expulsion of gas, flatulence between acquaintances can cause serious distress. (There’s a reason it takes many of us several months to drum up the courage to poop in front of our mates.)
While there may be risks to experimenting with someone you don’t know well enough to trust, even if you take the proper safety precautions, there’s something indisputably titillating about it, too. Does part of the thrill rest in making ourselves vulnerable to mutual embarrassment? Probably.
So rather than bury the uncomfortable moments we’re all bound to face during sex now and again, why not embrace them in all of their entertaining glory? In this vein, I present four sexy situations ripe for some degree of reciprocal humiliation, and I encourage you to share related experiences in the comments.
1. The Panty Problem & Other Undressing Mishaps
When my good friend’s boyfriend first caught her in full body Spanx, he stared in disbelief before retreating from the bathroom. Later, he said, “Please warn me next time.” (Today they’re married, and my friend still keeps the Spanx to herself).
The dreadful irony about undergarments is that the ones designed to make us look good clothed are generally unattractive when viewed on their own. Bridget Jones pointed this out in her struggle to choose between tummy tucking grandma panties and a lacier pair on the night of a big date. Wearing the former might make getting laid more likely, but it can also make the process of disrobing insanely intimidating. Shimmying out of less than sexy skivvies as quickly as possible and kicking them to the corner (you’ll collect them before daylight!) might seem like a sensible option—until you fall on your face trying to execute a shimmy-and-kick that’s at least somewhat graceful.
Beyond the panty problem, undressing in the heat of the moment causes frequent fumbling. Buttons, belts, zippers, clasps, and tight fitting garments are all benign assistants in completing your look—until they’re accomplices in making you look like a fool. The truth is that a perfect striptease is way more calculated than any of us would like to admit.
2. The Unannounced Finger In The Butt
In the beginning relationship phase, or during a hookup, we tend to learn about our partner’s body gradually, by trial and error. But while it’s easy to construe certain sensual preferences, such as desired pacing, and adapt accordingly, other aspects of sex are more divisive. On the issue of anal play, for instance, urges vary dramatically from my experience; some love it, others loathe it. And while I’ve read that BDSM practitioners are especially communicative in bed (safe words are wonderful, and essential), I would venture that most people aren’t in the habit of discussing every move they intend to make before carrying it out. Can I stick my finger in your butt? isn’t a question I’ve ever been asked aloud.
For these reasons, a digit in the rear can arrive quite unexpectedly. In the best-case scenario, the sudden introduction of finger to anus triggers relief (yay, we both like butt stuff!). However, it can also lead to an embarrassing moment in which one party either has to feign satisfaction or explain that they’re not into ass play, which is invariably disappointing to any anal enthusiast.
3. Oral Sex Induced Gagging
For many adolescents and young adults, there’s a memorable day upon which one learns—by doing, gossiping, or watching online porn—that the term blowjob is a complete misnomer. To state the obvious: The task involves a lot more sucking than blowing. Furthermore, if executed correctly, pleasuring someone orally isn’t anything like data entry. (If you subscribe to the philosophy that “there’s a reason they call it a job,” I implore you to do some research and reevaluate your approach. There are lots of tricks involving the tongue and hands and even the vocal cords that can help make performing fellatio more fun than onerous. But I digress.)
No matter how blowjob proficient you become, when sucking something in between shoving it deep inside your throat, the chance of gagging always looms. The reflex might present as a mere cough and cause only a brief interruption. But it also might make you to vomit. As for cunnilingus, I imagine uncontrollable sneezing can prove equally problematic.
4. The Reliably Mystifying Queef
Urban Dictionary defines a queef as “an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.” Unlike its cousin of anal origin, a queef doesn’t involve the release of gas. But it’s accompanied by a similar trumpet-like noise that never seems to sound at the right time.
For heterosexual women, queefing mid-romp can be especially mortifying when discharged air is met with awe. Unlike farts and the accidental melodies composed by smacking flesh, a queef can’t be produced by anyone lacking a vagina, so it’s understandable for men to be fascinated by them. Still, nothing kills the mood quite like a series of blush inducing follow-up questions: Does it feel good? Does it hurt? Can you do it on command? We women can only hope that queef replication requests are reserved for after the deed is done.