It’s no secret that I’ve dabbled in the black market to research stories about Adderall and Percocet. From the perspective of a journalist, drug dealers can be fantastic sources since they’re in contact with people from all socioeconomic brackets (drugs don’t discriminate!), and they’re out and about almost nightly. In other words, they’re in the mix. So whenever I’m in the position to collect a new number from “a guy,” I log it in my phone immediately under a ridiculous pseudonym such as “The Reliable Locksmith” or “Party Favors.”
What I never expected was that one of these guys would become a constant source of entertainment. But one of my contacts stands out among the rest for his hilarious, proactive approach to marketing his products. See for yourself by combing through this list of mass texts he’s sent out since the beginning of the year, which are peppered with wit, charm, sports references, pop culture commentary, political statements, and, of course, copious Internet acronyms. (N.B. In the name of clarity and avoiding [sic] throughout, I’ve added in many of the apostrophes my “friend” omitted, and corrected for spelling and grammar in some places.)
A Just-In-Case Index
Girls: ecstasy/Molly and cocaine
Snow/C/Coca Cola/White Girl: Cocaine
Party: Do drugs
January 4, 2013
It’s the first Friday of the New Year and we need to party so let me know if you need!
January 11, 2013
Come on people we all know New Year’s resolutions never last so let’s live a lil. Both girls are around and looking lovely so let me know what’s up.
January 16, 2013
So even a great American hero like Lance Armstrong admits he did a little doping. Why the hell can’t we? LOL. It’s hump day, lets enjoy.
January 23, 2013
American Idol is on tonight and if that isn’t one of the most hilarious shows ever than I’m crazy. LOL. Let’s enjoy it the right way. I’m around.
January 30, 2013
My 2 girls needed some salad and I got some for you and them to enjoy but it’s going fast so tell if you need asap.
February 15, 2013
You guys must have had a great Valentine’s cause you sure didn’t show me any love! Anyways let’s make up for it today and party. LOL.
February 22, 2013
So Oscar Pistorius is out on bail and even as a handicap I can’t out run him. Makes me kinda nervous. LOL. I know I’m wrong but oh well let’s party.
March 1, 2013
So Ms. Molly is here and she is in the best shape I’ve ever seen. Of course the other girl is beautiful as always so let’s have some fun.
March 8, 2013
Chances are prices will go up due to Chavez so get it while it’s still discounted. LOL. I’m around all weekend.
March 15, 2013
Ms. Molly wants to hang out for March Madness so let’s make sure she has a good time!
March 22, 2013
It’s March Madness and so far my bracket is perfect! I’m looking to make millions. LOL. Molly is here and the other girl also, let’s ball!
March 29, 2013
It’s Good Friday and the best way to make it a good Friday is to party! The help are here so don’t keep them waiting.
April 9, 2013
Ok ladies and gents from now on do not contact “Jamie” directly. If you want my products or services you must go thru me first or risk getting something else. Thanks.
April 12, 2013
Like the Postal Service I deliver thru rain sleet hail and snow. LOL. Molly is here and great snow. Also remember contact me for your needs. I’m around all day.
April 19, 2013
My prayers go out to the families affected in Boston and those in Texas. We have to spread love not hate! Anyway Molly is around let’s enjoy responsibly.
April 23, 2013
Support your NY Knicks and enjoy the game. I’m around with the c and the molly.
April 26, 2013
So Molly has gone to fit camp and I have her at her best right now so check her out! Also great Coca Cola as always. Let’s go NY Knicks.
May 3, 2013
Sorry for the confusion but the original Molly is back! For those of you who liked the crystal m I’m giving her out at a discount so let me know.
May 4, 2013
Sorry for the confusion. I have never sold crystal meth! What I was saying yesterday is I have Molly in crystalized form so stop panicking. LOL.
May 10, 2013
It’s great having something good to write about! I’m so happy those kidnap victims are home safe after so long! Ok now let’s party, great m and c around!
May 24, 2013
It’s a cold rainy start to this Memorial weekend but we still have to party. Let’s enjoy!
May 31, 2013
You guys might not know this but I graduated summa cum laude from the school of hardknocks. It’s that time again and I want to celebrate with you all. Let’s party!
June 6, 2013
For all u people fooling urself into thinking you’re getting anything better anywhere else ur just wasting your $. LOL. Grade-A white girl and Molly is here if u need.
June 14, 2013
I’ll be brief since the government is monitoring all calls and texts. LOL. I’m around. Great stuff so get it early.
June 18, 2013
Even though it’s a rainy day it might be the last official basketball game we see for a while so let’s have some fun.
June 21, 2013
I have to congratulate the Miami Heat and Lebron James on winning the NBA Championship. Hopefully we will see Melo there next year. Anyways, great m and c around.
June 28, 2013
IDK who is more stupid: Alex Hernandez or Zimmerman. Either way let’s enjoy our free normal middle- to lower- class lives and freedom. LOL. Great m and c around.
July 5, 2013
Happy 5th of July. LOL. All of you who partied yesterday are cool but the true cool people know today is the day. Let’s enjoy to the fullest.
July 13, 2013
Got a little of that orange m some of you guys like but only a limited amount so let me know asap. In other news I hope Zimmerman fries! Enjoy the weekend.
July 19, 2013
Trayvon Martin was a teenager carrying Skittles. White dude from Glee OD’d on heroin and it’s a tragedy. I hate the media. Anyways, let’s all party as one!
July 26, 2013
So I’m off to see Beyonce but I got people running around to take care of you guys so let me know if you’re in need.
August 3, 2013
Gonna be some changes soon so be on the lookout for that.
August 30, 2013
Even though I’ll be doing a lot of labor this weekend it’s starting off beautifully. Also, Electric Zoo is going to be epic so make sure you’re fully stocked! #Landofthefree