A knit-fucking sweater.
Dude, go buy one of these apparel items sent from the heavens if you do not own one already. A knit-sweater will always be there for you when you’re cold. It will wrap its arms of fabric around your fantastic physique and make you feel like you’re winning at life on this particularly chilly day. A knit-sweater will comfort you when you see your ex out with someone with great hair. A knit-sweater will sing All of Me by John Legend to you. Sort of.
Apple-picking. At the supermarket.
Sure, apple-picking with your friends can be loads of fun. You pack up the car, drive for an hour if you live in the city, spend the day on a hill in some town that you can’t pronounce, and throw the rotten apples at your coupled friends while attempting to collect a decent amount of Reds to make that apple pie that you know you’ll be eating alone. You also spend approximately 13 minutes searching for ticks before getting back into the car to go make said lonely pie, all while toting your bag of apples that cost $39 for the “experience of it all.”
Fuck that. Go buy yourself a pretty lil’ bag of motherfucking fuji’s at Whole Foods, and while you’re at it, throw in a few bottles of wine and call it a damn day. Also, they sell apple pie at the bakery. Go buy one of those, too.
With the exception of those who can’t handle strong scents, fall candles can pretty much cure the Ebola virus. Pumpkin spice, cinnamon-snickerdoodle, narcissistic-nutmeg, you name it. Your inner #basic will come out and you will rock that shit like it’s your damn job. Also, this isn’t to say that those in relationships can’t enjoy a good fall candle, but nothing is more rewarding than coming home after a long day and lighting one of those fuckers while you cry in the bathtub and question your life decisions.
Donuts on donuts on donuts.
Nothing says “fall is here” quite like binge-eating an entire pack of cinnamon sugar donuts. I’m pretty sure it’s listed in the Bible under Proverbs 1 that one must do this at least a few times during fall. And you know what makes being single even better? YOU GET TO EAT THEM ALL. But only after you post a #nofilter #ilovelife Instagram photo, of course.
Football, or no football.
Whether you’re a football fan or not, it doesn’t matter. The fact of that matter is that you can watch whatever the hell you want come sunday afternoon. No arguing whose team you’ll watch this time, or banter over whose team is better. Because obviously, it’s yours, and you don’t need that type of negativity in your life.
You get to spend the holidays how you want to.
If you’re in a relationship during the holidays, you know that at some point there will be a discussion on whose family you’ll be spending it with, or having to coordinate times to hit up both. Your family will never understand why you can’t just stay with them, and their family will resent you forever if you don’t show up. Sounds very unfortunate, and I wish you all the luck in the world while trying to figure that out. I’ll just be over here posting up for the evening, stuffing my face until I can’t breathe, and then passing out on my aunts microfiber couch. But have fun!