man in white dress shirt kissing a woman in white long-sleeved dress while sitting on bench beside brown large tree at daytime

I Told Myself I Wouldn’t Fall This Hard Again, But Here I Am

I consider myself a bit of a hopeless romantic, but not the kind who finds her happily ever after. Instead, I’m the kind who wears my heart on my sleeve and ends up heartbroken and alone.

Each time I lose another lover, I convince myself that this time will be different — that I’ll be different. But without fail, someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet again shortly after, and I throw all caution to the wind as I fall hard and fast.

Now, here you are: the chance I thought I’d never have, the prize I never thought I’d win. And even though I adamantly told myself I wouldn’t fall this hard again, here I am already falling for you.

With every text, I smile. And each picture you share makes my heart skip a beat. I spend each moment we’re apart waiting in anxious anticipation, imagining what it will feel like when I see you next.

Time with you passes so quickly and so slowly all at once, which leaves me blissfully living in the moment yet disappointed when I realize it’s time for us to part. I find myself intoxicated by every part of you, from your bright smile to your delicate feet.

When you look at me with those eyes, I grow weak at the knees. Each time our lips touch, I melt. I cling to you because I can’t get enough of you. I beg for one more kiss because I can’t pull myself away.

Yet, no matter how euphoric it all seems, I can feel the nagging worries and the unshakable fear of my past stirring inside of me.

I find myself questioning my worth and wondering when you’ll wake up or walk away. I panic when you say nothing, and I quiver when you meet my affections with a seemingly cold shoulder. I convince myself that the feelings aren’t mutual and that I’ve once again given my heart to someone who is incapable of giving theirs to me in return.

What am I doing? How could I be so naive?

But no matter how many red flags I see, nor how many sirens sound inside my head, I can’t ignore my feelings for you. No matter how hard I try, I can’t dismiss them or shake them off.

I told myself I wouldn’t fall this hard again. Yet here I am, already drowning in my feelings, desperately wondering if you’ll ever feel the same.

Writer. Mental Health/Disability Advocate. Mom. Lover of All.

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