Over the past two years, I have formed a bond with one single female that could be described in a number of ways. Admirable, best friends forever, envy inducing, so magical even Beyonce would be jealous, slightly delusional, of spirit animal nature, and borderline stalker are just a few that come to mind. Sure, I don’t actually know Mindy Kaling, but there comes a point in time in your late 20s — when you spend most of your time sleeping or working (because partying is no longer in your bloodstream the way it used to be) — when you start referring to celebrities you love, admire, and worship, as if they were actually your friends. To explain in further detail, I’m going to refer to a handful of her glorious Tweets over the last few months, because few people have mastered the art of the complete non-sequitur that is 140-character microblogging as she has. (And if you don’t follow her on Twitter, really, what are you doing with your life?)
1.
skinny foodie, get away from me
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 26, 2013
Is there anything worse than a skinny foodie? And can you really even trust a skinny foodie? Like, oh, am I just supposed to believe that you really got the full flavor palate from just one bite of that entree? I call bullshit, and so does Mindy.
2.
I love my @ELLEmagazine cover. It made me feel glamorous & cool. And if anyone wants to see more of my body, go on thirteen dates with me.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) January 7, 2014
My girl Mindy’s name has been all over the news (blogs) this week, stirring up controversy about her upcoming Elle cover – and how it’s only her face. Lots of mysterious stigma involving a Melissa McCarthy cover, a Lena Dunham cover, and the idea that girls with curves don’t ever get a full body shot on the cover of a magazine. Mindy’s response, above, is basically exactly how I would feel. Cover of Elle Magazine? Yes, please. I don’t care if it’s just my hand. Or my knee. Sign my body parts up to be on the cover, and if you want to see more, go on 13 dates with me. (Just joking, we both know my relationships never last that long.)
3.
🎶You think I'm pretty with my "no-makeup" look makeup on🎶
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) January 6, 2014
Because most guys think that Kim Kardashian looks really natural and doesn’t wear makeup. No comment.
4.
If everyone's baby is reading crazy early then maybe babies can read earlier than we have been thinking?
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) December 30, 2013
Logic? Logic. She uses logic. She’s also brave enough to remind you that your baby is not a snowflake. (I admire the chutzpah there, I do. Because hell hath no fury like mommy blogger scorned.)
5.
Uh I dress exactly like Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) December 22, 2013
It’s absolutely not the point of the film, but don’t tell me you didn’t have a moment with that fur coat he wears.
6.
"After I have sex with a guy I like to tell him the plot of Anne of Green Gables" says a character in a new movie I'm writing
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) December 19, 2013
Mindy is the Queen of “asking for a friend” type tweets. It’s the ultimate template. You get to confess all of your deepest, darkest secrets, and nobody knows if it’s really you or your friend. And nobody will be able to prove otherwise.
7.
Just chatted in concession line w some of the wives & girlfriends of Lakers they were so hot. I got enormous margarita & chicken fingers FYI
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) December 9, 2013
She has no qualms about complimenting the hotness of other women whilst ordering a bucket sized margarita and some chicken fingers. Because god above, who doesn’t love chicken fingers?
8.
I'm naming my daughters Rhiannon and Roxanne and they are just going to have to deal with it
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) December 6, 2013
A Fleetwood Mac reference and a Police reference in the same tweet? We’re not worthy.
9.
I love cornbread so much I wish that my nickname was Cornbread
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 14, 2013
If you don’t feel this one deep in your bones, I think you must be someone who doesn’t eat foods, or live in a warmer state, where comfort food does not apply to you. Because everyone knows that cornbread is the ultimate comfort food and my god, have you tasted the Trader Joe’s boxed product? Easy, peasy, freaking party in your mouth. Just call me Cornbread, guys.
10.
Just got home and packing for my trip a tiny bit tipsy. this is how it should always be done. I'm bringing so much body shimmer
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 23, 2013
Packing for a trip while intoxicated is the best/worst idea you could ever have. It goes by much quicker, but you usually end up with no pants and fourteen pairs of underwear. You know, just in case.
11.
I'm jealous of my children, who will grow up thinking avocados are a commonplace food
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 19, 2013
As my best friend who recently moved out on her own said last week, “Ah, avocados. A luxury of the rich.” Avocados, the commonplace currency of the future.
12.
90's kitsch is fashion now?
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 11, 2013
Did you watch the Golden Globes? Did we have a moment looking at Heidi Klum’s dress wondering if it was 1996 again?
13.
I keep a tinkerbell costume ready to go just in case
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 27, 2013
Emergency costume? Me too, Mindy. Me too. Except mine is Minnie Mouse.
14.
"300 but for wedding angst." How to describe 27 Dresses to your unwilling boyfriend
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 21, 2013
She gives spot on descriptions of rom-coms to woo your boyfriend, or male friend, or father, into watching a movie with you. See also: her descriptions of While You Were Sleeping and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
15.
Impossible to watch Rick from Walking Dead and not say "Rick! Rick!" as Caitlin from SNL. It is the new Borat "My wife."
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 21, 2013
This one is near and dear to my heart, because really – if you’ve seen both of these shows, you know you do it, too. If not, you are a robot, or on your comedic deathbed.
16.
The hell of the modern dinner party is that interesting people never want to talk about themselves and boring people ask no questions.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) October 7, 2013
This one pretty much sums up trying to date in your twenties.
17.
I just can't not, she said.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 27, 2013
Finally, somebody answered the question plaguing our era: what, exactly, was the THAT that she said?
18.
I'll be Bridget you be Mark Darcy
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 5, 2013
I definitely relate hard to this one, because most of the men in my life have been real Daniel Cleavers. And a Mr. Darcy loves you for who you are in all of your blue soup, granny panty, vodka loving, breakup bluesing glory. And really, isn’t that what we want most out of life?
19.
This is my diary, right?
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 27, 2013
For some reason, while I hate people who updated their Facebook statuses every thirty seconds, I have no qualms about tweeting nonconsequential details about my life every fifteen seconds on Twitter. There is no rhyme or reason to this, but I feel it. I feel it.
(This post was in no way sponsored by Mindy Kaling, The Mindy Project, FOX, or anyone at all, but if any one of those people or places wants to give me a job, I’ll totally take it.)