Despite my cheery disposition and positive vibes, my very close friends know that I have an extremely morbid mind. Whenever I’m quiet and brooding, my thoughts turn dark for no reason and I keep on picturing terrible scenarios in my head which lead to internal philosophical debates and existential crises.
The human condition has become worse for wear over time. We amble through life not realizing just how much history is within our grasp, and how much of the future depends on what we do today. When you stare out a window during a long bus ride, what do you think of?
Here are a few of my most common morbid thoughts. Maybe we share some?
1. These are not my memories
When I go to someone’s house, I always think about how many memories they have of that house. They might have tripped on those stairs, or looked out on those windows watching the stars. I think about how someone must have memorized its every nook and cranny, how these walls must have heard shouted arguments and whispered reconciliations. It’s really unnerving when you think about it. Someone lived their life in this home, and you’re just passing by.
2. No one knows how anyone feels
No one has completely and actually felt what anyone else has felt in their life time. Often, we say, “I know how you feel,” but do we, really? We feel emotions at varying levels and no one can ever know how you truly feel at the moment. The ones you love cannot accurately discern how much you love them and the ones you don’t like have no avenue to know just how much you dislike them. All these emotions, all these feelings roiling within you and you cannot communicate them to others in a manner that they can understand just how deeply you feel is a little screwed-up, to be honest.
3. You are neither the first nor the last
Every patch of land you step on, several “someones” have already stepped on before. Wherever you stand, someone had stood on before. Maybe the view was different. Maybe they were with loved ones. Maybe they were remembering loved ones. We are all just retracing others’ steps before us. And, others will just be retracing our steps after we’ve moved on. The human race is going in circles and I don’t think everyone’s aware of it.
4. You are someone’s ancestor
Someday, someone from my lineage would get dragged to a cemetery and would watch as someone older lights up a candle for me. They don’t know me. They have never seen me. They do not know my quirks, the way I smile or laugh, what I was like. Maybe they’d tell stories of me, what I did for a living, how I relate to them. But there will come a day when no one I’ve ever interacted with would still be around. I guess we’re all pictures waiting to be framed.
5. Today the Earth is more beautiful than it will be tomorrow
The rate with which the humans destroy the planet is alarming. In a few more decades, Earth will not be as beautiful and habitable as it once was. And we are to blame. I’m not sure what’s scarier: experiencing the downfall of man-made civilizations on the face of the planet or allowing future generations to suffer the consequences of what we have done?
6. You only know you were happy when you no longer are
We’ll never know we’ve already experienced true happiness until it’s gone. We’ll keep expecting something greater to come, something grander to appear, and when it doesn’t, the thought that we didn’t relish in that single moment a little longer would kill us.
7. If we’re alone it’s frightening. If we’re not it’s also frightening.
The universe is vast. I cannot imagine we are alone in here. There must be life out there. Whether it is similar to us or not, there exists, somewhere along this time-space continuum, something to remind us that the universe does not belong to us. I don’t know how the world would handle it when the time comes for us to meet them. I’m scared it won’t go well.
The universe is vast. Maybe we are on our own. I’m scared we are.
8. Every thing could be the last thing
When I go somewhere, I don’t know whether I’ll come back. When I go somewhere, anywhere, I don’t have any idea if it’s the last time I’ll ever go there. No matter how much I enjoyed it, there are places I have not returned to yet, if I would ever. What if I don’t make enough memories and there’s no way for me to get back there?
9. Again, this could be it
When I meet someone, sometimes, all I can think about is the fact that maybe that would be the last time I am seeing them. Maybe things between us will change. Maybe tragedy will strike. Maybe moving away would be an option. Whatever the reason, I can’t stop thinking about how maybe it’s the last time I’ll see them. Or, if they ever wonder if that’s the last time they’ll ever see me.
10. That country from which none have returned
It’s fucked up how the only way to know the true version of After Life (if it even exists, that is) is to die. And once you go, there’s no way of letting others know the answer. They have to find it out for themselves by dying.
11. All the things you love will be “classics”
One day, One Direction, Beyonce, The Script, and artists today will be known as “oldies” by newer generations to come. What will happen to Frank Sinatra, The Carpenters, The Platters, etc? I worry about the transition of time. Like, Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings will be considered classics. What will happen to To Kill A Mockingbird, Catcher in the Rye, Wuthering Heights, and others? Will Hamlet turn obsolete? What other forms of literature and art have vanished in the last centuries? What songs, books, films had been at their prime and then, with the turn of the time, were replaced and became obsolete?
12. Limited perspective
Sometimes, I wish I can see myself the way others see me. I can’t.
13. How much genius is missing?
All over the world, there is potential we don’t get to see. There are poems scribbled in the margins of books that won’t ever see the light of day. There are artworks whose brilliance are obscured by the shyness of the artists. There is so much potential in the human race and there is no way to show it all. I want to see them all.
14. More and more every day
The dead outnumber us.