This Is How You Are Settling

Jaromir Chalabala
Jaromir Chalabala

Weeks, months, a year go by and you realize that it’s been a while since you’ve been in any sort of “relationship.” Even if things weren’t defined, you know well enough that it’s been some time since you’ve met a person you had a genuine connection with, beyond a few flirty text messages. It’s been a while since you had something more than just a date or two that didn’t go too well, or perhaps someone who you actually felt like you could have something more with. It’s been a while since you have actually had a “crush” on someone that is reminiscent of your hormonal high school mindset. It’s been a while, but you haven’t given up. Even if you were tempted.

It gets to the point where you just wish somebody, anybody would work out. You end up meeting someone wonderful, someone so kind, interesting and even attractive. And then you find a reason why it will never work. You want it to work, you really do, but you know it never will.

And your friends will be like, “Well, why not? Aren’t they good enough?”

And your response is, “Yes, but…”

The overbearing “but” that kills every “what if” that you could have with someone. You respond with a “but” and list off a bunch of silly reasons why things between you and this person won’t work, like they hate chicken or they are weird at texting or maybe they live in a different part of town. But you know the real answer.

They are good enough, but they are just not for you.

In fact, they would be great for someone else. But they just aren’t for you. And even more so, you need to remember that you’re not for everyone either. And that’s just fine. That’s just fine so long as you nip that in the bud. Move on, and let the other person do so, as well.

You can’t just love someone simply because they are available and willing to love every single piece of you. Love is so much more than that. Loving someone is more than just having a perfect model of a human that likes all the same things as you. Love is more than just being able and willing to love you back.

You end up in this struggle where you sit between being pegged as being too picky, but also with the ever looming thought that you can’t just dive into someone else’s life without being sure that you want to. You can’t settle. You can’t just pick one out of a bunch (or an app), and say, “You’re it. This is fine. We are together now.” That’s not how love works nowadays. At the same time, you can’t demand perfection and not expect to be single for a while.

So don’t settle, but be reasonable. 

Often times people let themselves spiral into an unsuccessful search for “the one,” or they just settle with what they think can get. You get to the age and patience where being picky becomes ridiculous, so it’s common for people to just settle for whoever is most convenient at the age of thirty. But why do that to yourself? Why continue on and settle, only to be unhappy with who you landed on?

This is the one time in your life where you technically get to choose your family. You get to choose the to be with a person that you get to grow and love and celebrate life’s best or worst moments with. So choose those deal breakers carefully. Don’t get obsessive on things that don’t matter at the end of the day. Remember, teeth can be fixed, weight can be lost, hair can be cut. Take care to choose the important deal breakers. Does the thought of kissing them make you cringe as if you were mouth kissing your great aunt? Or perhaps, you are 98% confident that they are cheating on you? Are they physically or emotional abusive? Maybe they just simply can’t please you in bed.

Or maybe you just can’t put your finger on it. Maybe you don’t have a reason other that pure, simple human intuition that a person is not the person for you. And that is the most reasonable thing you can do. Listen to your heart, and you won’t settle. Even if it take a while, listen to it. Carefully. Your heart, your intuition won’t lead you stray. TC mark

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