It’s been a while. You don’t quite remember the last time you had been with someone. I mean, sure – you have had a few random dates or hook ups here and there, but it really has been a long time since you have had a true connection with someone. You look at the last time you were actually in love with someone as if it were a distant, fond memory. With every person you meet, you wonder if they will give you that spark that you had felt the last time you thought you were in love, but alas, nothing once again. You aren’t even quite looking, you just aren’t clicking with people the way you once used to so easily when you were a teenager. And even when you think for a second that someone might have grabbed your attention, the red flags come waving in ever so unholy-like.
Even when you are content with being on your own, you can’t help but feel that a part of you is looking for something more.
You are just stuck. You are stuck, and when a person is stuck in a situation, you can’t help but think and rethink and over think and think some more. You start to think about what it feels like to truly and deeply be involved in someone’s life and them in yours.
You start to wonder what it feels like to have someone to call and talk to you about your day, someone that isn’t exactly blood-related or a roommate.
You start to yearn what it is like to be physically close with someone who actually cares about the effect that this all has on you and what possible consequences could be involved.
You start to wish that you felt things for someone the way that you see strangers in the street embrace, the way that you see how your parents still look at each other, or even the way that people kiss in even the most clichéd of romantic comedies.
You start to forget what love actually is.
Regardless of how you feel or what you think and overthink, you don’t really remember what it truly feels like to love someone. And this can mean it can be harder for you to ever fall back in love with someone again. It can make it harder because you are constantly questioning what it is that made you ever fall in love with someone in the first place. It becomes harder because you start to wonder, “what’s the point?”
You know how they say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all? Well, it’s that in-between stage – of wondering when you will ever love again – that is the hardest part of it all.
You start to think that all of those random people that you had the pleasure (or regret) of meeting over the years were just simply a way for the universe to keep your spirits high to reassure you that you are still somewhat dateable. And while that is nice and all, it’s all been on that superficial level that makes you wonder if you actually are dateable. You start to question whether or not you are beautiful enough, fit enough, likeable enough, nice enough, sexy enough, or just plain ol’ good enough. You just wonder if you are enough because there could not possibly be a good reason for why you can’t simply make a connection with someone that lasts longer than just a few dates and a couple of weird make out sessions.
But you know it’s not you. You know that you are just perfect to someone out there somewhere, someone that you just haven’t met yet. Or perhaps you have met and the timing hasn’t aligned together just right. Or maybe you just aren’t in a great place in life and this is the universe’s way of telling you to get your act together so that you can be your best self for when that next person that you fall in love with comes along.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. Right now you are stuck in a waiting game. Whether you are actively looking, or just passively living your life – even the most apathetic people need to feel love once in a while. Again, you are stuck. You are stuck in the middle of being in love and giving up. When date after date just fails you, you can’t help but feel that small voice in your heart telling you that it’ll come along again someday – you just have to keep living your life as if there is no one else in the world but you and the people who bring out that best self within you. It is your heart to telling you to stop wondering and overthinking about what love is, and just do it – love the life and people you have in your life already, and it will find you.