To My Almost Love, Did You Ever Even Care?

Two in the morning. That’s what my clock states as I check it again for the nth time.

Maybe I am waiting for something? A phone call perhaps? A text message? Anything that I got used to receiving at 2 AM.

Or maybe, everything is just starting to sink in… that our love story has already come to its end as soon as it began.

I have so many questions swirling in my mind that it’s starting to give me a severe headache.

How did we even get to this point? Why the sudden change of emotions? What happened to the possibility of us being together? Did you just want to make me fall for you, but never really intended to catch me? Was I just your latest conquest, suitable for your then current mood, but became too bland for your own liking?

Who lacks what? Was it me? Or was it you?

It wouldn’t be this confusing, nor would it hurt this much if I have all the answers. If you had cared enough to explain. But you didn’t. You just started acting as if things between us never really took place. And here I am, starting to question myself if I just imagined all of those. But if I did, why do I feel like a part of me is missing?

Do you still remember that time we had our very first 2 AM talk? I was not really sure why I even agreed to meet you, but I badly needed someone to talk to. Life wasn’t going well for me back then, and I would take whatever chance I could get to escape from my thoughts even for just a second.

I was a mess, and you were there wanting to slowly declutter my life. I was hesitant to even give you a chance to try, but you assured me that fixing me was the last thing on your mind. “You don’t fix someone who was honed by experience, you make that person realize how much she’s grown.” Those were your exact words.

You told me you just wanted me to see myself from your point of view.

You said you just wanted me to realize that I am worth someone’s while. And as cautious as I may be with my heart, I slowly opened my door for you and let you in.

Now tell me, was that a mistake? Maybe it was. Maybe I should not have even answered your phone call that day.

And so our strings of 2 AM meet-ups began. From the shallowest conversations over coffee, to getting to know you deeper as each day went by. You held my hand and believed in me when I didn’t even trust myself. You said it’s not hard to love me… and that’s when I realized you were easy to love as well.

As the song goes, “Why do all good things come to an end?” – and yes, this is the same question I have in my mind. This non-existent relationship between us kept me wide awake at 2 AM. You kept me waiting at 2 AM. Crying over something that I never really had. We shared months being there for each other. We shared so many possibilities that I was actually looking forward to. Wishing, praying and hoping for everything to come true. And then you suddenly became aloof. I started to backtrack. What was it that made you into the person I could hardly recognize? Was it because I told you I was falling for you? Because I was certain that’s where we’re heading. 

Were you even bothered that you left me hanging? Are you even aware that you left me hanging?

You see, I have an idea of what’s happening. And truth be told, I just don’t want to admit it to myself, but I am aware of how this ends. I’m familiar with the works of modern dating. But could you blame me for being an old soul? Is it too much to ask for something real, pure and sincere?

I want to keep my hopes up that in this sea of people, there’s still someone out there who’s willing to believe and see how wonderful love really is.

That’s how I saw you. That’s what I thought you were.

Sadly, I was wrong.

To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m still waiting to get any answers from you. I may be foolish, but I’m not dense. You being indifferent already says it all.

We all deserve an explanation, even if it’s not the one we want to hear. Whatever happened along the way, I hope you just had the guts to tell me.

A closure wouldn’t hurt. And next time, please do not deprive someone of that. 

Closure leads to clarity, and clarity lightens a heavy heart.

That’s the least you could have given me after all you’ve put me through. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Mary Louise Vern Ignacio

Always a work in progress and in a relationship with words.

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