You’ve gone through a month without saying his name, without checking on him. You’ve gone through a month with being okay on your own. You were doing just fine moving forward with your life alone… and then you saw him.
The sight of him brought back everything that you’ve tried so hard to repress.
Here they are again, reminding you how much that person was once a huge part of your life. Someone that you have always wanted to be your constant, even until now. Someone who made you both the happiest girl and most shattered soul.
You’re back to square one… no, not really. You never really moved from square one. Because the thing is, no matter how hard you struggle to remove him completely from your system, he will forever be an imprint etched in your heart. All the efforts you’ve exerted into bettering yourself, or at least convincing yourself that it was what you’re doing, slowly disintegrate in front of you and vanish into thin air.
You loved him real. You loved him with every fiber of your being. Everything else ceased to exist, because for so long, he’s the only one that mattered. Your life revolved around him, he was your universe.
Nostalgia came rushing down like an avalanche, all too fast and all too heavy for your feeble heart to take. And deny it as much as you want, but you regret losing him. Because he was your solace in this world of uncertainty. He was your identity in more ways than one. He knew you like the back of his hand. You were his favorite novel that he had each line memorized.
When you were feeling lost and confused, he was the only one that made sense, the only one that kept you sane. He was your greatest support system. He was your best friend. Losing him felt like someone took away your ability to breathe. Everything went from a warm sunny day to a cold stormy night. You were unfamiliar of the stabbing pain in your chest, and you were unfamiliar of the empty space beside you. You never imagined this all-consuming agony haunting you day and night.
And then it hits you, you never really wanted to move on. You’re the one who’s feeding yourself with dysphoria. For some reason, hurting inside reminds you of a wonderful period in your life. It reminds you of the days when he was there and the love was real. You are an emotional masochist, and you would rather have it that way. Because not everyone is capable of moving on. Not everyone would opt to move on in a manner that other people do.
You miss him still and you’ll miss him until you no longer want to miss him. It may not sound rational for anyone, but for you it doesn’t have to be. For you this is moving on. Feeling every inch of the pain. Reminding yourself over and over again that you lost the love you wanted to last. You lost the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your lifetime with.
Because this is how you see it… moving on is learning to continue living with the pain and the misery. Striving to survive and hoping for the best there is. Despite him being your greatest heartache that you have to endure, he was still the best thing that had walked your way. And you couldn’t be more grateful to God that once in your life, He had blessed you with someone who see through your flaws. Someone who loved the sum total of your being.
Even if the pain subsides and the heartache reached its extremity… your love for him will remain. Always… because he will forever be your ALWAYS.