I found a broken reflection of myself in a puddle on a busy sidewalk. I whispered.. “again?”
It was after the heavy rain on a Sunday evening of Mid-November when the person I love decided to call and say, “It’s over.” We both agreed with it, and sometimes saying yes is the only choice you have. Not because you agree but it is the only way and the only thing that’s left to say.
But deep inside my heart it wasn’t okay at all.
You know when it’s not okay with you, when you feel there’s a sudden pain in your heart. When breathing becomes hard, when saying a word hurts, and every blink of your eyes is a tear kissing your cheek.
Again? Yes, Again. I thought.
What will you do when the person you love decides to stop loving you and decides to put an end to your journey but to accept it? It’s not that I’m weak, it’s just that I-f*cking-love-you-to-death kind of feeling; that’s why I’m letting you go and that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I really, really love you and I know that you know how much you mean to me. So much of myself is made up of your love and my love for you.
But that night was the night when I decided to swallow everything.
I rode the bus going home that night. I didn’t cry although my heart was crashing into millions of pieces. I put my earphones and played my Pity Party playlist on my phone and suddenly, it was all about you; the songs brought back all the memories we had. It was both nostalgic and heartbreaking. I’ve loved many times in my life, and every time I’ve loved someone, the only thing that scares me is that eventually they will leave me. And most of the time they don’t choose it. Life chooses for them to grow apart from me. And that’s okay, it’s inevitable.
One thing I have learned growing up is that there will be people who’ll come into our lives that will change everything. And by the time we’ll feel comfortable or dependent on them is the time they have to leave. It’s like they come to fix us and when we’re already set, that’s the time they have to say, “My work is done and I’m good to go.”
They said people come and go and the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. I don’t know if it’s okay or not because as of now, changes suck and I’m so tired of seeing people leave me. My life is all about them. About the people I love the most. So why do I have to let them go? Why does the universe allow them to go? I don’t know. I’m so tired pondering this all.
Yes, again. That night, again, I let my special someone go. Because she has to and I have to accept that. I didn’t ask anything from her. I just let her go. Because I’ve been dealing with changes everyday and I already prepared myself for this part. Not because I wish to, but I know this will come one day. That’s not being negative at all, it’s about getting used to the changes in our lives.
No one is exempted from changes because changes don’t have time to choose. It happens to everyone everyday. Some changes can be good but most of the time we don’t like it, because who the hell wants it, by the way?
Again, someone left me and I don’t know if there will be people who’ll stay with me forever, who’ll spend their entire lives with me. I don’t want to be dependent. I don’t want to sound needy nor clingy because after all that’s what our lives are all about, welcoming change, even though we don’t fully accept it.
We change everyday, every single damn day.
It’s so hard to live life thinking that all these people surrounding us will one day leave. It’s so hard to depend our happiness on someone that might be just temporary.
The only thing that’s permanent in this world is the memories that we share together.
I’m like a canister of memories; half of me is our memories together and the other half is the people that I love the most. And most of the memories inside it are the people that are all gone now.
I guess after all, we have to accept that life is constantly changing, sometimes it’s for the better. And the only thing we have to do now is to cherish every moment we have. Spend our time wisely, spend our days with the ones we love and love them every day. Because we don’t know when our last day with them will be.