
Should you wait for him to say it first?
What if you say it, but he doesnât say it back?
And most importantly:
When is the right time to say it?
These are all questions youâll have asked yourself if youâve contemplated telling a man those 3 magical words for the first time.
With good reason.
Saying âI love youâ at the wrong time can be as damaging to a new relationship as a failed marriage proposal is to an established one.
Clearly, no coach can tell you exactly when to say it. Ultimately, when to say âI love youâ is a personal decision you have to decide for yourself. The beauty of love is the fact that everyone feels and defines it differently.
However, if you want to maximize the chances it goes well, here 5 important points to consider.
How do YOU define âloveâ?
Think about what you consider to be your definition of love. How do you define it?
Most women, when I ask them this question, tell me, âI donât know – I just feel it!â
So I encourage them, and you, to go deeper, by asking a follow up question:
When that feeling occurs, how much do you typically know about the guy? For example, how many things can you name you DONâT like about him?
Iâve noticed that in successful, long-term, loving couples, the woman has absolutely no problem naming negatives about her lover. Sometimes, I have to stop her or she just keeps going!
But she still loves him.
Is that your definition of love?
How well do you have to know a manâs faults â warts and all – before you call it love?
While no coach can ever give you a timeframe of exactly when to say the words, Iâd recommend you base your definition on how well you know all aspects of him. Not just the ones you like.
If you go to say I love you and you canât name a number of things you donât like about him, consider whether it could be the rose-colored glasses talking. It might be worth putting the âI love youâsâ on hold for a couple more months until you know him better.
Make him work for it
Iâve always found it odd that our society teaches young women to make a guy work for sex and value their bodies copiously, yet rarely have I heard anyone tell young women to make men work for their love and value something much more important – their heart.
If you sleep with a man and he disappears, it can be very disappointing. Relatively speaking though, casual sex is not emotionally traumatic for most people. After all, thatâs what a booty call is.
But if you love someone and he leaves, it can take months or years to get over and can leave you with deep and potentially permanent emotional scarring.
Your love, support and companionship is the ultimate gift and energy you can give to a man. Donât underestimate its value. Men have started wars to earn love from the woman they desire.
Sex and valuing your body is important, but make a man work even harder to win your heart. Donât give your love away to every guy youâve known for just a few months. Make a man earn the greatest gift you have to give.
Pick your moment
If, after all this, youâve decided he is the right guy, say it in a private, safe space, where you wonât be interrupted. Make sure neither of you have anywhere to be and that youâre both feeling open and vulnerable.
Avoid the 3 âDonâtsâ
There are few hard rules for saying âI love you,â but this is one.
Donât say it for the first time when youâre:
Drunk
Having sex
Have been exclusive for less than 3 months
When you say âI love youâ, you want it to be the most genuine thing youâve ever said to your partner. Sex and alcohol prevent this.
As for the 3-month rule, unless you can name a number of things you donât like about him (perhaps, he was a long-term friend before you dated), youâre best off holding your tongue – just to be certain. After all, thereâs no rush. The habit of confessing your love to guys youâve only known 6-8 weeks is one thatâs sure to come back to bite you.
Avoid repeating yourself
Finally, if you decide to say it and you put your heart out there, thereâs always a chance it may not be reciprocated. That doesnât mean panic stations – it could simply mean it doesnât fit his definition yet. However, donât repeat yourself, at least for a while.
Iâve met a few women, who say, âI donât care if he doesnât say it back; itâs how I feel, so Iâm just going to keep saying it.â
I donât recommend this. Remember, your love is the most valuable gift you have to offer. You wouldnât keep hugging someone who never hugged you back. You wouldnât keep paying attention to someone who never paid you attention. So why would you do it with love?
This also doesnât consider the fact that, even if itâs not your aim, he does feel pressure from you to say it back. You want him to say it on his own terms, not because heâs under pressure from you.
Thereâs two other questions Iâm often asked on this topic.
âWhat if he hasnât said weâre exclusive, but Iâm absolutely sure he has been? Is it then OK if I say it sooner than 3 months?â
Thereâs no rush. Have the conversation about exclusivity, first. Let love blossom for another month or two unsaid. No man has ever left a woman in an otherwise great relationship because she kicked off the âI love youâsâ a couple of months late.
âWhat if he keeps saying it and wonât let up, but Iâm not sure I feel it yet?â
Be open. Itâs important to communicate that you love where things are at, but that you need more time and donât want to feel pressured.
âI love spending time with you and love where we are going, but I need time before Iâm ready to say it back. That could be a couple of weeks or it could be a couple of months, so I just need you to give me time and take the pressure off, so we can keep going the way we have been, yeah?â
In summary, love, including its declaration, is the greatest gift you have to offer a man. Treat it as such. Savor it and make a man work hard – while getting to know all aspects of him â before you decide itâs time.
As long as youâve done this and feel it genuinely, you can rest assured youâll be saying âI love youâ at the perfect time.