
Itâs over.
Whether he broke it off with you or whether you called it quits, he now wants nothing more to do with you.
And you feel horrible.
Maybe you want him back.
Maybe you donât, but you still feel like there is a stone left unturned.
Whatever your circumstances, you know you want to talk to him. To see him, to explain yourself, to get answers.
He hasnât been open to contact, and itâs frustrated you. Now, you find yourself tempted to text him, call him or even visit his house.
This is normal.
Yet, part of you knows, deep down, you shouldnât.
When a trauma shifts our world, our brain must reorganize its models. It looks for answers to make sense of things again.
Itâs a painful process, and to lessen the pain, your mind seeks the one thing that could reduce it â your ex.
Sometimes, your brain tells you to put every fiber of your being into getting your ex back. Even if your ex treated you poorly and you know you deserve better, you still find yourself lusting after him.
Thus, be on the lookout. Hereâs 7 excuses your brain will throw at you as reason to justify you contacting your ex that, ultimately, do nothing but prolong your suffering.
You want to be friends.
I am a supporter of the âfriends with the ex ideaâ. I really am. But it cannot happen immediately. You need âno-contactâ time to reestablish your identity and life model as an individual (and so does he). Itâs time to do your own thing, get out on some dates, and find your own feet again outside of the relationship.
Donât try to kick off a successful friendship with an ex straight after a relationship ends. Any attempt to do so is an attempt not to really let go of your ex at all.
You want to get back some small piece of property.
I see this one all the time, and it can often appear the most legitimate reason to contact an ex.
After breaking up, youâll have a âmove outâ session, where you collect the majority of your things from him and his place. But thereâs inevitably extras youâll miss, things you forget, stuff you didnât realize was still over there that you may be tempted to chase up obsessively later on.
If you repeatedly call your ex, head to his house unannounced, send outlandish numbers of texts or Facebook messages with the guise of getting a minor, not-especially-valuable piece of property back, this applies to you.
Ask yourself in these situations, âIs this really worth it?â Is the stress of sending 8 texts or having to make 14 phone-calls really worth that only somewhat-interesting $40 dress that, if youâre honest, you didnât like that much, anyway? The answer is usually no.
After the initial âmove outâ (which should be completed swiftly after the breakup), there is rarely a piece of property thatâs so important to get back that itâs worth your sanity.
You want help with work/study/homework.
âIâm not trying to get back with him. I just always needed him to help me with X, so I need to see him for thatâ. Yeh, right.
I promise thereâs other who can coach you trigonometry or help you learn Spanish. Itâs not a gift exclusive to him. Breaking up and becoming single again is about learning to stand on your own two feet. Be it at TAFE, university, or work, youâve got to look to build yourself and your self-esteem by kicking ass in life and doing things on your own.
If youâre really in need of the assistance, there are plenty of other people in your workplace or your course who would be happy to help you. Make some new friends.
Not only will asking him for help prolong the already traumatic âgetting over himâ period, but itâll cost you self-esteem gains as you go forward and learn you can do anything and everything perfectly well on your own.
You want his emotional support
Despite being broken up, avoid contacting your ex under the not-so-subtle guise of âneeding himâ for your emotional health. Texts, such as âI canât handle this without you. I really need you to call me so I can chat and be okâ through to âI think Iâm going to do something stupid if we donât talkâ all convey a similarly needy and disastrously low self-worth message. That you canât function in your life without someone who has flat out told you they donât want to be in it.
Surround yourself with friends, distractions, and interests that help minimize your time thinking about him. Use positive affirmations, âMy emotions are no longer his responsibility â Iâll handle this without him.â Delete his number and all contact details. You donât need him. Show yourself.
You want explanations.
As your mind sorts through the rubble of what happened, you yearn for more information. This is a normal part of the grieving process, as you try to piece the series of events together to make sense of the world again.
But chasing down your ex to get such explanations is not the answer. Youâve broken up, and your ex has declared he no longer wants to have you in his life. Listen to this next point, because deep down, if youâre honest, youâll know it to be trueâŚ
There is no explanation he can give you that would satisfy you.
He might apologise; he might be steadfast. He might be passive; he might argue. He might deny what he did, or he might admit it.
But no matter what he does, there is no explanation thatâs going to make you feel better and able to dance off on your merry way.
The only explanation necessary is this. Youâve broken up, and heâs decided he no longer wants you in his life. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve and surround yourself only with people who do the same. The quicker you do that, the quicker you wonât be worried about having to explain your exâs nonsensical actions.
You want closure.
Closure is a common reason to want to contact an ex. To move on, to say goodbye one last time and finally feel better about things.
Many years ago, I tried to get âclosureâ with an ex. Sheâd broken up with me a week earlier, but convinced I needed closure, I twisted her arm into spending one last day with me. We went out, we had fun, we chatted for hours.
But no longer would she hold my hand. No longer would she kiss me. Her energy had changed, and I spent an afternoon with a real life example of exactly what Iâd lost.
It was like taking a dogâs food away, but holding it for a while in front of his nose, just to remind him what he was losing. Six months later, I ran into that ex, only to realise I still wasnât over her. Thinking I could get âclosureâ cost me over 6 months in real time getting over her.
Trying to get closure by seeing or speaking to an ex will only delay the process and reopen all the old wounds. Itâs an excuse to have them around you, just a tiny bit more.
Closure can only come from one place. You. You close the book, once your mind has gone through the pain of sorting through the breakup and reorganizing your structure of the world. Once your mind finds its own explanation for how things went down and you forgive yourself and move on, you achieve closure. It has nothing to do with the other person, and wanting to see them to get your closure will only extend your pain.
Next time youâre in the acutely painful phase of a breakup and go to contact your ex, think twice. Are you doing this because you canât bear to face the pain head on? Are you using one of the above reasons to find an excuse to keep part of your ex in your life? How much time in getting over him is contacting him going to cost you?
You’ve been drinking
Do I really need to explain?
Breakups are never easy. Don’t let these thinly veiled excuses serve as reasons for you to do something you’ll regret. The last thing he deserve from your post breakup is more of your time and focus. Use it instead to heal yourself and find something more compatible.