A man wants to chase.
From the deepest roots of male biology comes a dating dilemma that today, is more relevant than ever.
How do you challenge a man to ensure he sees you as a prize?
The answers flood dating forums and articles, which all lead the reader to a similar conclusion.
“You can’t be too easy. Make him work for it.”
The thrill of the chase. The value of challenge. The want of that which we cannot have. It’s ingrained into the deepest parts of the human psyche, an evolutionary response to millions of years of competing with other species’ for survival. Our brains learned if the world presented us with an opportunity that seemed too good to be true, chances are, it was.
As superficial and unfortunate as it may seem, our brains long encoded patterns must be considered in the way we date. To attract high caliber men, you’ll have to challenge them.
But that’s where we hit a fork in the road.
Traditional dating advice will tell you to act the part. Play hard to get. Act aloof. Treat em mean and keep em keen.
And you know what’s interesting?
For a little while.
Like a monkey that learns it can press a button, men and women learn that playing hard to get does get a response.
Then, something happens.
They realise you can’t keep up the act forever.
When do you stop playing hard to get?
How can you keep acting aloof with someone you like?
What sort of relationships do you form when you set them up by ‘treating em mean’?
When this facade eventually collapses, something else happens.
He finds out you’re not the high value woman he thought you were.
Within a few months, his attraction falls apart, and you’re left wondering if you didn’t ‘play’ it right.
Fortunately, there’s an alternative.
While being challenging is essential to a great dating life, playing hard to get, as a means to get there, is not. There’s another way.
Being “naturally challenging” is the real, authentic, and infinitely more powerful way to showcase yourself as a high value woman, without ever having to fake a thing. No playing hard to get. No acting aloof. No treating the men you like as if you don’t like them.
Being hard to get, developing yourself as a naturally challenging woman, not only showcases your value to prospective men in the most powerful way possible, but it’s free of all acting, which means it will keep the men you want chasing and working to win you – for life.
Here’s how to become a naturally challenging woman, who never needs to worry about playing hard to get again.
Being naturally challenging is maintaining healthy priorities
If there’s one concept that sums up the difference between the manipulation of playing hard to get and the healthy habit of being naturally challenging, it’s this. Have and maintain healthy priorities.
In dating, it’s easy for our instincts lead us astray. The hardwired dopamine response of new romance tells us the night you had planned with the girls really wasn’t that important. That it is a good idea to keep checking your phone, just in case he texts, even when you’re at work. That it’s not so bad that you’re already seeing him 4 nights a week and have missed yoga 3 times.
Most people meet a new love and, within a few weeks, have made this stranger one of the highest priorities in their life, above friends, family, fitness, and even career.
These actions are biology talking, and it’s not biology designed to create a healthy, long-term partnership. By taking time to let a man prove himself as worthy of a place as a high priority in your life, you become naturally challenging without ever having to fake disinterest. Once there, he feels secure and validated in the work he did to earn it.
Being naturally challenging is irrelevant of sex
The ‘challenge’ of the dating process often gets related to sex.
“Don’t give it up too easily.” “Make him work for it.” “Why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?!?”
Much emphasis is put on challenging men, as it relates to sex, as if sex is the highest prize a man can hope to attain.
Being naturally challenging is about what it takes for a guy to win you over, to convince you that he is relationship material. It’s not something that ends at sex (or is even slightly relevant to it).
Being naturally challenging is knowing that, just because you’ve slept with him, you’re still weighing him up, on an ongoing basis, as to whether he is right for you.
Being naturally challenging is knowing that, just because you’ve slept with him, if he doesn’t continue to respect you and meet your standards, you’re willing to walk just as much as you were before sex.
Being naturally challenging is knowing that, just because you’ve slept with him, the real challenge of winning you over… of showing you he’s long-term material in which to invest your companionship, energy, and love, is only just getting started.
Being naturally challenging is valuing your exclusivity
Fact: The average woman has more dating options than the average man.
Despite this clear dating synopsis, something odd happens in a lot of women who date.
They are apt to undervalue this gift of dating abundance, tossing it carelessly to men who refuse to do the same in return.
The freedom to meet people and the opportunity to explore options is of paramount value when looking for ‘the one’. The constant focus from women is traditionally on sex, while exclusivity gets thrown to strangers as though worthless.
The naturally challenging woman understands the promise of her loyalty and exclusivity is amongst the most valuable offerings she has, treating it and protecting it as such. She does not give it away easily or promise it to men who do not promise the same in return. Above all, she does not feel guilty for taking advantage of it and enjoying multiple dating, because she knows she is well within her rights to do so.
The naturally challenging woman treasures her freedom and values the gift of her exclusivity. She knows that when she gives it to a man, it could be the last time in her life she does, and takes the decision accordingly seriously.
Being naturally challenging is genuine and honest
I’m yet to meet anyone who enjoys the deceptiveness of modern dating. Unfortunately, the games and playing hard to get work, even if only in the short-term.
Being naturally challenging means you act congruently with your genuine self. You’ll never have to worry if you’re showing too much interest. You can treat the guy you like in accordance with your feelings without holding back or worrying if you’re ‘doing it’ right. A burden lifted from your shoulders.
Being naturally challenging works in the long-term
Playing hard to get and acting disinterested are dating ‘strategies’. Strategies – doing something outside of the norm – can only be applied for so long, until you inevitably lose focus and fall back into what is natural.
Showing disinterest in someone you like and playing hard to get are unnatural responses that cannot be maintained. Being naturally challenging works in the long-term, because it’s part of who you are, a natural way of life.
Being naturally challenging is applying high standards (rather than talking about it)
I’m yet to meet anyone, man or woman, who openly admits to having low standards. Yet, I meet people every day who prioritize strangers they know little about over people and activities that have withstood the test of time.
The definition of low standards is having a low set-point for what you accept into your life. When your actions show you’re quickly sold on a man and shoot him up the priority list, low standards becomes the underlying communication.
The high-value woman is open and loving, but she also knows getting to know someone on a deeper level takes time. She balances openness and hopefulness with a sense of pragmatism about the relationship. Just because things are headed in the right direction after 3 weeks does not necessarily mean they will be after 3 months or 3 years. She waits to see.
As time passes and she gets more insight into who he is as a person in a variety situations and environments, slowly but surely deeper levels of her standards are passed, and she prioritises him progressively more highly in her life.
Being naturally challenging is still being attainable
They say men want what they can’t have.
It’s not true.
Most men want a Victoria’s Secret model, but put in no effort to get one.
The truth is men want what they can possibly have, but which is difficult. Being naturally challenging doesn’t mean becoming a woman so invested in her other priorities you reach the point of unattainable. If you take up declaring how “fiercely independent” you are and how you “don’t need no man for anything”, you cross a line, where you become so challenging that men won’t even try.
Being naturally challenging is never fully being sold on a man
The naturally challenging woman knows that no matter how committed the couple is, there are still ways he could lose her. This might sound odd, but it’s fundamental to long lasting attraction.
The man must feel that, if it came down to it, she would always have the strength and certainty to leave if he failed to show her the respect and treatment she deserves. Esther Perel often speaks of the importance of space in maintaining desire in long-term lovers. The naturally challenging woman holds her relationship and loyalty in highest regard, but never so high it trumps her self-respect. This creates healthy space in even the closest relationship, allowing room for ongoing chasing and attraction.
Being naturally challenging isn’t something you ‘do’. It’s a way of life.
You can’t ‘fake’ good dating and relationships. Playing hard to get, trying to act and represent a high value woman, when you’re not one, will never cut the mustard. You’ll get the guys you want for a short period, then lose them again and think it’s because you’re not applying the ‘strategies’ correctly. You can continue to try tricks to get men, or you can apply advice that will work for a lifetime.
Being naturally challenging is a way of life. Good dating advice will always come back to self-improvement, and you cannot improve yourself, without naturally becoming more challenging to men. As you do, your self-esteem will grow, snowballing the effect. Before you know it, you’re the stand out woman men are looking to chase for a lifetime, and you never once had to play hard to get.