As a coach for women, I’ve become well versed in the grievances many women have with today’s dating scene.
One of the most prevalent relates to the overwhelming number of (for lack of a better term) ‘fuckboys’ – men who stuff you around and tell you what you want to hear before ghosting away on a moment’s notice.
Despite access to ever increasing numbers of men and the so-called ‘abundance’ now available to women, it seems finding a quality man amongst the clutter is harder than ever.
Where are the men who are exciting, want to form a real connection and work towards a relationship?
More importantly, wow does the modern woman (i.e., you) find such men when they all seem to be camouflaged amongst 100 fuckboys?
I’ll tell you how. Through one tool we all, in modern dating, seem to have forgotten. A tool I’m encouraging women everywhere – especially my clients – to pick up again.
The humble phone call is the ‘stone age’ filter quickly turning that 30-foot stack of hay into a small, high quality pile of golden needles. From the convenience and safety of their own homes, it’s helping modern women separate the men from the boys.
Here’s 10 rock solid reasons why – if you’re not picking up the phone – you absolutely should be.
1. You’ll build better connections with men
This alone is reason enough to give up the texting habit in favor of dialing.
The quality of connections you create when you speak to a man trump anything hours of texting could achieve. You can be playful. You can learn his mannerisms. You can tease him, complement him, and show your genuine interest. And he can do all the same for you.
There’s not a single way talking on the phone won’t improve your connections with men. If you’re serious about meeting someone and forming a connection with a great guy, get serious about having real time conversations with him from the beginning.
2. You’ll weed out fuckboys
“Come watch Netflix and chill”…
Said no guy over the phone, ever.
Ok. I know a few do. But not many. And they have to clean it up a lot.
There is an enormous advantage of phone calls over messenger that most women forget.
They’re the best ‘fuckboy’ filter in the world.
Via messaging alone you’re going to find a high percentage of duds, players, and fuckboys. Most women who’ve ever been on Tinder know this.
But once you reach phone calls, your ‘fuckboy’ percentage will drop markedly. They don’t want to form real connections. If you insist on calls over text, most will put you in the ‘too hard’ basket and move on. Which, from your point of view, is brilliant.
3. You’ll get an immediate sense of chemistry
One of the biggest problems in modern dating (Tinder/Facebook/Online) is you have virtually nothing to go on before you meet him. You have no sense for his mannerisms, you can’t predict his humor, and you have no idea if there’s even a drop of chemistry.
This is markedly different from 20 years ago, when most first dates happened following an in-person introduction.
Even if brief, such introductions served to give you a sense for chemistry – a window of personality to know if this stranger was worth a date.
Today, we lack the luxury of this tiny, but important, first impression. Because of this, many women have found themselves stranded on a 4-hour first date with a man she knew within 5 minutes was not for her.
Chatting on the phone prior to a date gives an almost-as-good sense for chemistry as does being introduced in person. If there’s no spark from the call, you’ve just saved yourself 3.75 hours.
4. You’ll have better first dates
If you’ve spent a week getting a feel for a guy over the phone, naturally, that energy is going to transition smoothly into your first date. Having a text-only relationship prior to your first date leaves the two of you stumbling and fumbling, trying to get a feel for one another in person from a static start.
5. You put forth your standards
Men are like water. They follow the path of least resistance. If you find that men you see and date are constantly texting you, but refusing to call, it’s because you’ve played a part in enabling it.
When you require a guy to call you (i.e., it isn’t optional), you’re expecting more of him than most women are. You’re asking him to step up or step out – and you get a great result either way. The ones who aren’t willing to put in the effort flake to an easier woman, while the men left standing understand they need to respect your standards.
6. You’ll build your conversational skills
Great conversation is a skill. The more you practice it, the better you’ll get at it. If you want to make a great impression talking to men who make you nervous, then you must practice by talking to lots of men.
You can get good at using your thumbs, or you can build real confidence in real conversations with real men.
7. You’ll meet men with ‘real’ confidence
There’s a lot of guys who can talk a big game over messenger, where they can delicately articulate their responses and plan the wittiest lines well in advance.
But a man with real confidence isn’t afraid to have things happen in real time. He trusts himself to keep up with you, but also has the confidence to know that, even if he can’t, it’s not the end of the world.
8. You’ll stand out from other women
It is a mistake to assume a man you’re seeing casually is just seeing you. Such is the nature of modern dating and the abundance we enjoy today. You are up against other women vying for his attention, just as he is against other men vying for yours. Both you and he are looking for the standout person that takes your breath away.
The woman with the confidence to talk to him on the phone – while the rest sit around texting – has a sizeable advantage over other women who want his heart.
9. It takes less time than you think
Many a client has groaned to me about my advice regarding the phone, a primary concern of theirs being the time required.
The reality is, phone calls often save you time compared to texting.
2-hour marathon phone conversations are not only unnecessary – they’re flat out a bad idea. A good phone call need not take more than 15-20 minutes (which let’s be honest, you already spend texting) while leaving your connection and rapport with him light-years ahead.
10. You plant the earliest seeds of healthy, mutual investment
By picking up the phone, you begin to establish many healthy relationship patterns. Communication. Time. Mutual Investment. These things represent the lifeblood of a happy relationship. By picking up the phone, the two of you have begun to practice habits that might last you a lifetime.
Pick up the phone, and pick it up often. Rekindle this long forgotten dating talent and talk – in real life – to every man you consider an option. While the humble phone call alone won’t find the needle for you, it does a damn good job of clearing out the hay.