You’ve just had another guy flake.
You’ve only known him several weeks. The two of you had started to build (what you thought was) a great connection. He’d met some of your friends, you’d slept together, and now… he’s disappeared. Just like the rest of them. No real explanation. No real honor. Right when things seemed to be getting serious.
You asked your friend her opinion, and she thinks, “You didn’t tell him what you wanted and you slept with him too soon.”
You’re over men, over dating, and about ready to give up on the entire damn idea. Why can’t you find a guy good guy who is mature enough to actually want to build something?
Any of this sound familiar?
There are 9 deadly words that come to women’s mind in this situation, thinking they can use them to end the frustration.
If you’ve ever gotten sick of flaky guys, who seem nonchalant about committing and their interest in general, you may have even used them yourself. They are a completely understandable reaction to such a situation.
Unfortunately, they end up having the opposite effect, killing his attraction and increasingly the likelihood of the pattern repeating.
A woman meets a man, decides she won’t let the same flaky bullshit happen again, and within the first couple few dates, says to him proudly…
“I’m not playing games. I’m looking for something serious.”
And in just 9 words, she’s crushed his attraction and virtually ensured history repeats itself.
It would be different if she said it 6 months on. The problem is how early she goes to it.
What she thinks she’s doing is being strong, showing her standards to a man and saying, “You won’t mess me around!”
What she’s actually doing is handing her power over to a virtual stranger (and yes, he’s still a virtual stranger after three great dates) and saying, “Even though I know very little about you, I’ve decided I want a relationship with you. Your move.”
People who don’t agree with me might argue, “No, the woman isn’t saying she wants a relationship with him yet; she’s just saying she wants to work towards one.”
That may be true, but that’s not what he hears.
He hears an agenda to get out of single life and into a relationship, with him. And he thinks, “Why does she dislike her single life so much that she’s so keen to get out of it?”
Every date and all the time spent together from the moment you’ve uttered the 9 words is now under a framework of pressure. You’ve taken away the room that allows his attraction for you to grow by putting him under your ‘we’re growing a relationship’ umbrella.
In the same way you’re turned off by a guy who wants to use you for sex, men get turned off by a woman who wants to use them for a relationship.
While the majority of men take a let’s wait and see approach (which is inheritably attractive, because it provides a natural challenge to the other person), many women hand over their power early (and blow his attraction in the process) by having an agenda right off the bat.
When a woman tells a man, “I’m not playing games. I’m looking for something serious”, she’s misunderstanding the way men look for a relationship.
Saying to a man, “I’m not playing games. I’m looking for something serious” does not work, because:
Men don’t start dating you thinking about a relationship.
Really absorb this concept, because it’s something that women, who are frustrated at guys who won’t commit, find easy to forget when they meet someone new. A man’s mindset does not change to thinking about a relationship with you until later on.
This mindset change only happens after he’s been seeing you a few weeks, maybe a few months, quite happy in his single life, when suddenly one night, he can’t fall asleep, because he can’t stop thinking about you, and he suddenly realizes to himself, “Holy shit. I want this.”
That same guy would never have had the room to build that sort of attraction for you if you’d come out in the first week with, “I’m not playing games. I’m looking for something serious.”
You will meet the occasional guy, who has an agenda for a relationship, but is this the kind of guy you want to be with? The guy who just wants a relationship, rather than a relationship, specifically with you?
To better explain, there is another important concept to understand about attraction, which is especially relevant if you’ve been finding guys interested in you at the beginning, but quickly becoming flakier about a relationship in the first few weeks or months. It also explains why a typical man’s, “Let’s wait and see approach” usually gives men the power in dating:
Whichever person cares less about the outcome will be the one that attracts the other.
This does not mean you play hard to get. Don’t ever act disinterested in a guy you like. But that’s not to say you can’t challenge a man in the same way that a man challenges you by not being totally won over by you in the beginning.
When you show a man that you are happy single, when you show him that you enjoy your time together but are still in a ‘take him or leave him’ mindset, when you show him you’re not head over heels in love and planning a long-term future after the first month of dating (again, because you’re reserving judgement until you know him better), he’s going to want to work to win you over. And he’ll work hard.
This is why you can cook him an elaborate dinner on the second date, shut down his attraction completely, and have him flake on a relationship, but do the same thing for him 5 months later, and he’ll think to himself, “I’m so lucky I got this girl to commit.”
The moment you tell him in your first few interactions that you want something serious, you put all your cards right out there on the table for him to take or leave. For a virtual stranger. And the guy says to himself, “Why would she value herself so little to do that for me? She hardly knows me.”
Whereas, another woman might like him, be open to a relationship in the future, but isn’t fazed about the overall outcome. She’ll take him or leave him, because she’s quite happy where she is.
He hasn’t won her over just because he’s been charming for a few weeks. Her efforts to impress him are limited in the beginning and are only relative to his, because she believes she’s good enough just as she is. She keeps her own life going and only puts more effort into him slowly, as the months go on and he earns it. Slowly, but surely (if things continue), he rises up her priority list.
If he walks away or stops putting in effort at any point, she doesn’t freak out and try to grab him back or pull out her best recipe. She can live without him. She might hurt, but she’ll say to herself, “Oh well, I’m good enough as is, and if a guy doesn’t see that, then he’s the wrong guy for me.”
With this type of woman, the guy never feels like he has her 100% in the bag. And it leaves him room to always be attracted to her.
You might ask, “Well, what about after they’ve committed and are in a relationship? How can she not be 100% in the bag for him, then? This can’t work long-term, because you’re just advising people to play hard to get.”
No, I’m not. And no, she’s not. Because for this woman, even after the two have committed, he still feels like, if he messes up, mistreats her, drops his standards, or forgets how lucky he is to be in a relationship with her – she’ll walk away.
She’ll put her own standards for herself above her desire to be in a relationship. In other words:
Even once committed, she’s never so sold on a relationship that she wouldn’t go back to single life if he really screwed up.
And that’s why, when you become this type of woman, a guy will spend a lifetime growing attraction for you, falling more in love with you, and always working hard to treat you like the amazing catch that you know you are. Eventually, he’ll want to marry you. Working for you, and hence attraction, becomes a job for him that never ends.
So the next time those 9 lethal words come to mind, stop immediately and tell yourself, “No, I’ve only known this guy a short time, and have no real idea about him.”
And next time you find yourself going out of your way to impress a guy you’ve only dated for a short time, stop again and say, “No. I’m good enough as I am. Let’s wait and see.”
Don’t listen to your friend, who told you it was because you didn’t make your intentions clear or because you slept with him too soon. Re-evaluate the way you’re approaching dating. Create an amazing single life for yourself that you’re content to stay in, then go out and actively date, while caring way less about the outcome. Do that, and right then and there, you’ll have discovered the real secret of male attraction.