Like it or not, online dating is here to stay. It has become the increasingly common way that singles, everywhere, can meet their matches in our fast-paced modern world. Studies report almost 25% of couples meet online, with those numbers increasing each year. Gone are the days, when there was a stigma attached to online dating, when you’d be ashamed to admit you met that special someone over the internet. If there was any doubt left that it wasn’t normal to meet someone online, the world’s most recent viral dating app, Tinder, put an end to it, when it drew in the last resistors in Generation-Z.
Still, despite the online dating revolution, there are plenty of people, who jumped on it – only to jump straight back off. There are many more failure stories, when it comes to online dating, than success stories. Why is it that some people are able to hit the nail on the head with online dating, while most others seem to tragically miss out?
While there are plenty of mistakes that get made online, you might be surprised to learn that it’s the mistakes you make before you even sit down at a computer that play a potentially bigger role in determining your failure or success online. Here are 3 attitudes that you absolutely need to have, going in, if you plan to be successful dating online.
Attitude #1: “I’m going to be here for a while.”
Online dating takes a long time.
If you’re getting into online dating with the idea it will be your shortcut to love and matrimony, it will quickly disappoint you. Sure, you’ve probably met that one woman, who boasts the story of striking it lucky with the first guy she met online – but that is not the reality for most women. If you’re lucky and take plenty of action, there is a chance you’ll meet someone great in the first 6 months. But, if you’re like the majority, it can take a year or more online to find ‘the one’. Sit down, expecting to be there a while.
“If you’re getting into online dating with the idea it will be your shortcut to love and matrimony, it will quickly disappoint you.”
With this attitude, you won’t be so disappointed by all the duds that come your way in the meantime. After each one, you’ll just head back to the computer and kick-off again, rather than get down in the drudges about how online dating doesn’t work, because you’ve been at it 3 months without success.
Attitude #2: “Awkward dates are something to laugh at.”
Online dating is more awkward than regular dating. So, if you’re put off by awkward dates, you’re probably going to be put off by online dating.
When you date in real life, you already felt some chemistry. That’s why you accepted the date. You previously met the guy and felt he was worth exploring.
When you date online, you have no idea if you like them or if there will be chemistry. You meet them to find out if there will be.
Think about it. When you’re viewing potential matches, you’re given a ‘resume’ with which to judge potential suitors. You have no idea of their energy, their ‘feel’, or their sense of humor. You have no idea if they have the traits necessary to be in a healthy relationship.
Online, you have little idea about any of the things that are actually important in a future partner. A guy can be a tall, wealthy doctor, who looks perfect on paper, but turns out to be a rude jerk, while another guy, who works at a post office and is the same height as you, can turn out to be the loving, charming, caring partner you’ve been looking for. If you met both these guys in real life, you’d instantly know which one you vibed with and would be all over that post office guy. But, if you met these two online, the opposite would happen. Because you can’t know any of their personalities before you meet them, dating online means you end up on more awkward dates, with guys like the doctor.
Bottom line? The average online date has much lower levels of chemistry and much higher levels of awkwardness than the average date with someone from real life. If you can’t learn to laugh off these situations and be amused (rather than freaked out) by the various oddballs you meet – you’re unlikely to survive online dating.
Attitude #3: “I’ll be dating a lot of guys, often at the same time.”
Online dating is a numbers game. It’s the nature of the beast. It facilities all types of men to apply, which includes all forms of creeps, allowing them to mix in with the good guys and hide their weirdness behind a computer screen. This is something you’re just going to have to understand and accept, if you want to succeed.
“The average online date has much lower levels of chemistry and much higher levels of awkwardness than the average date with someone from real life.”
When online, you have to increase the overall numbers of men you date to give yourself a chance to find that golden needle in a very large haystack. You can’t get put off if you meet a few weirdos. Going in, expecting that you’ll be dealing with a number of Mr. Very Wrong’s, will mean you’re less put off along the way while you’re finding Mr. Right.
You’re going to need to churn through some serious numbers if you want to give yourself a real chance of finding love online. That means, getting comfortable with the fact you’ll be dating numerous guys at the same time. I strongly recommend multi-dating to women, but online, it’s even more important. You simply have to get through such large numbers that’s it almost impossible to find success without it.
To put the reasons for this in proper perspective, imagine if you only have time for one date a week. If you go on an average of 1.5 dates with each guy (3 dates for every 2 guys you meet), this means, you only meet 25 men in a year. An entire year! At that rate it will take you four years to meet just 100 men. And don’t forget; these are 100, randomly selected, who-knows-about-chemistry online bachelors. The odds of finding your match in 100 such men are very low and four years you probably don’t want to spend.
“Going in, expecting that you’ll be dealing with a number of Mr. Very Wrong’s, will mean you’re less put off along the way while you’re finding Mr. Right.”
When I coach online dating, I encourage short first meet-ups. 45 minutes is ideal. This gives you enough time to establish any chemistry and get a feel for the person. If things go well and you like each other… great! Your date will be cut short, and you’ll both look forward to seeing each other again. And if he turns out to be a weirdo, also great! You’re out of there quickly.
45-minute meet-ups allow you to get a feel for three of four men in the time it would usually take you to meet one. If you can do that twice a week, you’re meeting 8 guys a week or 1600 over four years. Now, how do the chances of meeting Mr. Right look?
This doesn’t mean you have to lie or lead men on. The whole process should be done in a healthy way, and when you do meet a guy you really like, you can slowly evolve it into an exclusive, committed relationship. But you’re likely to miss such a guy entirely if you start out with the attitude that you’re going to limit yourself to only seeing one online, virtual stranger at a time.
Too often, women (and men!) fail at online dating, before they’ve even begun, because they enter it with the wrong attitude leading to unrealistic expectations. Online dating is a fantastic way to increase the numbers of men moving through your life, but you need to know what to expect from it if you’re going to make it work. Adopt these three attitudes before you start online, and not only will you survive the swings of online dating and vastly increase your chances of finding Mr. Right, but you’ll also have some amusing stories and a ton of fun along the way.